Another year gone by (very long rambling post)

This has been a year for the books! More like the past year and a half really. I moved twice. Finished my MSW program. Ended an 8 year relationship, and started a new one. It all sounds so easy when I type it like that, but man was it depleting....

October 2010 marked the ending of Crystal and I's relationship. It was an easy decision to end it once I was able to look back and see how lost in myself I had become in this relationship. I had become this very passive, unsure of myself, and had lost my passion for many things. I know I've said it before, and I want to say it again. I dont regret my relationship with Crystal at all. In fact I'm pretty sure she saved me from myself at one point. We had many great years together, but with time we just grew into roommates, sleeping in separate rooms, no intimacy of any kind really, and really, it just felt like I was living with a good friend. I wanted so much more than that. I was feeling suppressed, empty, and started getting angry all while trying to balance a full time Masters program and a 30 hr a week internship. It was also at this time that Crystal decided that she wanted to buy a house. I knew I could not enter this with her, which was heartbreaking because for 2 years prior we had been looking for houses together. I just hadn't figured out how unhappy I was in that relationship towards the end. Long story short.. Crystal finally found a house and bought it. I actually ended up living with her for 4 months in her house as a roommate (absolutely no sexual contact, it was OVER) but it was tense, painful, and depressing to be living there. It didn't leave any room for healing and moving on.
It was also during this time that Christen came into my life. Not only did she come into my life, but she literally JUMPED into my life. I met Christen in a very strange way. We met through a mutual friend on FB that I had known for years(Strange story that requires its own blog post). We messaged back and forth for a few months just chatting and talking about everyday things, life... just getting to know each other. I was drawn to her personality right off the bat.. Not to mention that she was easy on the eyes. There was a giant draw back to this new person... She lived in Louisiana... I didn't expect our relationship to go beyond friends, but it just continued to evolve. We would skype while I worked on my Thesis, Case Notes, and other school related things. This was comforting and hard at the same time.. Reason being is that I still lived in Crystals house at this time. It was uncomfortable and deep inside I felt like I was being disrespectful to Crystal since I was in her house (paying her 500 in rent) but still fairly fresh from our break up. I saw her walking around hurting, as was I, but I also had breaks from that hurt when I would Skype with Christen. I would laugh, and talk about silly stuff to cut the edge off of the hard day of being a free mental health intern. She could hear me laughing, talking and at times she could see the light shining under my door from my computer after I had fallen asleep while skyping with Christen. Tension and jealousy came to a head (understandably now that I look back on it) and the time came to where I HAD to move out of her house for my own sanity. This was all happening right in the middle of my last semester of grad school. Right in the middle of the scurry to finish my thesis in time to graduate.. I ended up moving out into an apartment in an area of Sac that I was less than thrilled to live in. I'm still here by the way.. at least until march 2012.
Fast forward.... I lived alone for 6 months. It was one of the hardest transitions I've ever made. I went from living with someone for 8 years to being alone again. It made getting my thesis finished easy, but it was hard in just about every other way. Letting go of 8 years is hard. And I still tear up a little when I think about it. Not because I still have feelings for Crystal but because of everything that came with that 8 years. All of the great, good, bad, and ugly.
Since we talked on a daily basis at this point. Christen and I decided to meet face to face. She jumped on a plane and flew to CA. I had spent months talking and looking at this person over skype. She had seen me cry, study, sleep, and eat via Internet. Now it was going to become "3-D" I still remember the day so clearly. I drove to the Sac airport. I must have gotten there at least an hour early, my nerves were so high. I waited at terminal A, staring at the escalator as people poured down. I spotted her, and stood up. She didn't see me at first, and then we locked eyes. She took off down the escalator and sprinted towards me. All 5 feet 3 inches of her hit me like a linebacker. I gave her a giant huge, and a gentleman behind us said out loud "now thats a hug!" She stayed a week and then had to go back to Louisiana. From that point on she came to CA just about every month until she moved here. In May I graduated and finished a decade long run at higher education. Many of you knew me when I was going through nursing school myself. Then you followed me from Fresno to my move to Sacramento and my ultimate acceptance into the Grad program, and then to the completion of this program.
In Sept 2011 Christen was able to get her Louisiana nursing license switched to a CA nursing license and we started to plan her move. I flew back to Louisiana to meet her family and bring her back to CA with me. Sept 11 2011 at 530 am we left in her Rav 4 attached to a U-haul and and headed west to CA. Now if you've never driven 2000 miles attached to a Uhaul with your significant other, I suggest you try it! If you can survive that you can survive anything! 4 states, several adventures, and 5 days later we pulled into Sacramento.
She has now been here for 3 months and its been so wonderful. Now thats not to say that there hasn't been adjustment pains on both of our parts, but she really is a wonderful person and helps to bring out the best in me. We knew each other last year at this time, but this year is different. We get to spend it together.
Many of you know that I struggle with the holidays. My parents are not supportive of my "same sex relationship" and will not allow me to bring Christen down for the holidays or even to meet her. So this year I stood up to them for the first time. I will not be there for Christmas this year. I will be spending my Christmas with Christen. I have compromised by going down from Thursday-Saturday afternoon and then I will drive back to spend Christmas eve night and Christmas day with Christen. Thats something I was never able to harness the strength to do while with Crystal. Year after year I cowered down and complied to family tradition, dismissing my own needs and wants and leaving Crystal either alone or to go to her family's house alone. Well... I can't do that anymore nor do I want to. I dont want to start this relationship off like that. It was rough and emotional having this talk with my parents. But I did it and feel good about it after the fact.
In between all of this craziness I was also the designated "Birth Coach" for my best friend Adrienne. Her husband was deployed to Afghanistan for 90% of her pregnancy, leaving me as the back up. On Sept 3rd at 5am I get a call "Jenn, its time!" 24 hrs and 0 sleep later Caleb was born. It was such an amazing experience and I was so honored to be able to support Adrienne through that all be part of the event.
Haha, I think I gave myself anxiety writing this all out. It reminded me just how crazy this past year and a half has been. And I really only skimmed the surface. I didn't mention health issues, job issues, or the growing pains that go along with it all.
This feels like a giant ramble, but I've been feeling those "growing pains" lately and needed to just get some of it out. I have a tendency to minimize until things explode. So this is a way to let a little pressure out.
I realize my blog followers have dwindled away, but for those of you that still do read my blog, thank you for your years of support and reading. You all have followed me through some of my most challenging years yet and I appreciate your prayers and support.

I hope that 2012 brings us all the comfort and joy that we wish for. I dont know if I will post again before New Years, so if I dont I wish you all a very happy Holiday and a blessed New Years. <------- Standing in the middle of the Grand Canyon just before a lightening storm. 3rd day of our cross country trip.