Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Still not the best

Not sure why I still come to my blog, but I think I will always keep it.  It seems to be a great way for me to look back and measure... Its for me. I realize that most dont come here anymore but for those who do I thought I'd jot a little down for ya'll as well.  I know I think about you guys often and worry if I haven't seen you post in a while.

Things are still not the best.  The body trimmers have stopped but I am still having some pretty big issues somewhere.  It hasn't been figured out yet which is the hardest part.  I can't really eat anything other than rice, toast, and rice noodle soup.  If I do veer from that it is very painful and I end up vomiting 70% of the time.

For those of you that know me well you know that I like to work out and have muscle.  I have lost so much of my muscle in the past 2 months and have lost almost 30 pounds.  Its a good thing I still had my "grad school" weight to lose or I'd be really off looking. 

I've realized through this process that I dont really have many friends.  It has been a tough realization.  One I kind of knew all alone.  It takes a lot for me to consider someone an actual friend vs an acquaintance. I did however think that if it got bad people would step up.  Well... I was wrong.  No one has stepped up.  No one calls.  No cards.  My brother had a daughter 2 months ago and I can not make the 2 1/2 hour drive down there and he hasn't offered to bring her up to meet me.  None of my family have come to see my new house.  Its been tough.  Every once and a while someone will leave a FB post or something but no actual face to face support from anyone except Christen, and even thats been rocky at times.

I've learned quite a bit about myself the past two months.  I've learned that I can handle getting stuck by needles 8 times in one day. I've learned that being chronically ill challenges every aspect of who you are and who you want to be on a daily basis.  It humbles you... Or me at least. I've learned that I have not appreciated the health that I had before. I've noticed that my patience has grown tremendously. From waiting in traffic to listening to one of Christen's VERY detailed stories that could be summed up in 2 minutes. I've learned that I can take care of a pitbull puppy even when I feel like shit (which is like having a toddler!) And I have learned that I have much more spiritual faith in my soul that I once though.

I've learned so much in the past 2 months.  I just haven't learned whats wrong with my body yet. 2 months ago I hurt my back at work.  A month ago I had ovarian cysts removed and ever since then its just been getting progressively worse. Tomorrow I will spend the day getting myself back and forth to drs apts while trying not to throw up on myself or fall asleep in a parking lot. I have a 3 hr test of some sort tomorrow to check my gallbladder, and another apt for my back.
Last thing I've learned so far... its tough getting places alone when you dont feel well.

Hope you all are having a easier time than I am at the moment.
Be Well

6 comments:

Tera said...

Sorry girlie...life just really sux sometimes. actually, a lot of the time...anyway...

i know once you are feeling a bit well you'll start seeing the sunshine again. that's just who you are. until then, know i care even if i am too far away to actually show it. and also going through so much stuff i am having trouble breathing some days...

I hope health happens soon...it's the basis for life. you deserve health and happiness AND SUPPORT. Jenn, sweet Jenn...

Raine said...

Wow Im so sorry you were so ill. I hope you are doing much better now

Wanda's Wings said...

Thinking about you and hoping your health gets better.

Raine said...

just stopped by to see how you are doing- how bout an update?

Raine said...

came by to see how you are. Would like to hear from you

shodushellie said...

I was just going through and reading some of your posts, Jenn. I, for one, am really happy that you decided to keep your blog and to post. I made my blog a while ago and stopped posting because I had no real support on it. Anyway, not to get sappy...but you have been such a great friend in the short time that i've known you and i'm happy that this is just another way we can keep up with each other. i know you are doing better now, health-wise, but to read about how you were just breaks my heart...i mean, i knew it was bad but it just makes me want to give you the biggest, comforting hug. Too bad we're all the way cross-country. If i lived in Cali, then you'd probably get sick of me because I might visit you too often or try to mother you (i'm good at that lol). take care my friend and remember you always have me to talk to if you need me.