Thursday, December 13, 2012

Creeping Memories and Dreams

I have to say first off, this could be triggering to some so please proceed with caution. i will try to watch how i state things.                                                                                                                           I have been doing really well with dealing with assault flashes/memories for the past few years. I found a great counselor who helped to balance me out.  I met some great friends in my MSW program who are very supportive and understanding and I'm with a wonderful person who respects me and my body. But for the past month I have been having HORRIBLE dreams. The type where you wake up from it.  Walk around, go back to sleep and go right back into the dream. 
    It is so hard to feel balanced after nights like that.  It started just after having my gallbladder removed.  Could be that I have a lot of abdominal discomfort still from it and it leads to dreams like that... I'm not sure.  But I feel like I've gotten past that part of my life to such a large degree that it is so hard for it to creep back in.
   I'm really good at compartmentalizing my own stuff vs others issues, but when I have nights where I dream like this it is hard for me to be grounded enough to truly hear other people. 
   It is however nice to not go into "crisis mode" like I used to.  I become uncomfortable, and a little distant but I dont go into crisis and I can still function.  I guess thats a giant plus in the grand scheme of things.  I'm also becoming much better at talking about whats going on with me and not just going inside myself like I used to.  I guess to break it down, I dont intentionally trigger myself anymore or keep digging in once I'm "down". 
   It is however difficult to wake up and shake it off.  I wont brush that off.  Its hard to not be angry about this event in my life and that it will always be there to some degree.  Scars, memories, dreams, moods, seizures.

  Reading back on this post its kind of nice to see how much I've grown in this area.  I used to post out of crisis.  Now I'm simply posting out of outreach for understanding and expressing my feelings. Whether I get a response on this or not I will get past it.  I didn't always believe that to be true.


Wanda's Wings said...

You are getting so much stronger. Our past traumas will always be there to some degree. It's good that they no longer control everything. Hugs to you my friend.

shodushellie said...

I know what those type of dreams are like and I know they are difficult to shake yourself out of. I hope they'll lessen and that you'll be able to sleep well with the holidays coming up because I know you've had a lot of stressors lately.

I think it's really good that you are able to deal with your triggers better and not automatically go into some sort of panic mode. I find myself shutting down in a way where I can still function but it's like I'm on autopilot until I can get to a place to process what is bothering me...and it's ALWAYS good when you are able to vocalize how you feel.

I'm happy that you have someone in your life who respects you because that's what you deserve. You know I'm always here for you if you need me!