The Mixed Up Thoughts Of A Jadedsoul

2012 So far

2012-01-22T10:30:00.000-08:00

Well.. Its going well so far. My new job has got me busy and a little insecure. My caseload is an hour commute away from me so I have to expect to drive a minimum of 100 miles and 2 hrs a day. Once I get to my kiddos I have to assess them, create goals for them based on their developmental and functioning level (that I get during the assessment) and then teach the tutors that are implementing my client goals how I want lessons ran. After that I have to supervise the tutors, make sure my goals are being met, and that progress data is being taken and taken right. I have to do this for 10 kids, with 6 different tutors and 17 parents. Its a full plate! But man I love being back with these kids. The autistic population is so unique. Each child is different and each encounter is different. I love the clinical aspect of my position, but could do without the supervisor duties. I don't like managing people and definitely don't like to micro manage people. Unfortunately good tutors are hard to come by because the position is tough and it doesn't really pay well, so the turn over rate is high and very few have the skills to be really good, which requires me to step in and teach, train, encourage, model and give "constructive criticism" to make sure the kids progress doesn't get derailed by negligent tutors. Month 1 is almost over, we'll see how I feel about it all in month 2.

Things with Christen and I are going well. I miss her most of the time. I normally work five 10 hour days mon-fri and she works three 12 hr days t,th,sat, so we don't get to see a lot of each other, which has taken some adjustment since before I started this job I saw her much more often. She really is a beautiful person. She challenges me and complements/balances me out and definitely reminds me to be silly every once and a while.

I really don't have time for much any more. I thought I was busy when I was in grad school, but now I'm just consistently busy with no lulls like there was in school. I'm starting to peek at the housing market again. But I'm approaching it much more causally than before, I'm not really in a rush, but want to capitalize on the great prices while they are still around.

Basically just trying to find a routine in "adult life" now. Hope this finds you all doing well. I've tried to stop by each of your blogs this morning and see how you are doing. Ill check in again soon :-)

Christmas

2011-12-28T11:34:00.000-08:00

Well I survived it! I had been dreading Christmas for over a month, and finally its over, and actually it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. Though it did feel emotionally heavy the whole time. I spent Thursday-Saturday with my parents down in Fresno. My mom was in a pretty grumpy mood. Instead of saying "Jennifer, I'm sad that you're not going to be here during Christmas and I'm going to miss you" she stayed quiet and passive aggressive. She did however ask a few questions about Christen, which is progress on her part. She really would love christen if she gave her a chance. She's a nurse, just like my mom, she is very polite, she's considerate, she's from the south (like my mom) she's religious, and she loves me, and you can tell that she loves me by the way she treats me.
So... anywho... Things went ok while I was down there besides her being in a grumpy mood. She told people that I was not going to be there for Christmas because I was "serving at a women's shelter for Christmas" vs the truth which is that I wanted to have my first adult Christmas and be with the person I want to be with and since she's not allowed at my parents house, I had to choose and stay up here with her.

The new year is also bringing a career change for me. I am going to go back to work full time with Capitol Autism Services as a Behavioral Consultant. Which basically means that I will be creating individualized behavior intervention plans for each client and then supervising teams of lead tutors and regular tutors while also training the parents of the clients. Many of you may remember when I worked for them before. I was a basic tutor then and I was the one implementing the behavior plan, this time I will be creating it and teaching others how to implement it. Its very exciting for me.

I dont we will do anything for New Years this year. We are saving up for a trip to Maui in the summer! But if any of you go out, please be careful, call cabs if need be, and have fun!

Another year gone by (very long rambling post)

2011-12-19T09:02:00.000-08:00

This has been a year for the books! More like the past year and a half really. I moved twice. Finished my MSW program. Ended an 8 year relationship, and started a new one. It all sounds so easy when I type it like that, but man was it depleting....

October 2010 marked the ending of Crystal and I's relationship. It was an easy decision to end it once I was able to look back and see how lost in myself I had become in this relationship. I had become this very passive, unsure of myself, and had lost my passion for many things. I know I've said it before, and I want to say it again. I dont regret my relationship with Crystal at all. In fact I'm pretty sure she saved me from myself at one point. We had many great years together, but with time we just grew into roommates, sleeping in separate rooms, no intimacy of any kind really, and really, it just felt like I was living with a good friend. I wanted so much more than that. I was feeling suppressed, empty, and started getting angry all while trying to balance a full time Masters program and a 30 hr a week internship. It was also at this time that Crystal decided that she wanted to buy a house. I knew I could not enter this with her, which was heartbreaking because for 2 years prior we had been looking for houses together. I just hadn't figured out how unhappy I was in that relationship towards the end. Long story short.. Crystal finally found a house and bought it. I actually ended up living with her for 4 months in her house as a roommate (absolutely no sexual contact, it was OVER) but it was tense, painful, and depressing to be living there. It didn't leave any room for healing and moving on.
It was also during this time that Christen came into my life. Not only did she come into my life, but she literally JUMPED into my life. I met Christen in a very strange way. We met through a mutual friend on FB that I had known for years(Strange story that requires its own blog post). We messaged back and forth for a few months just chatting and talking about everyday things, life... just getting to know each other. I was drawn to her personality right off the bat.. Not to mention that she was easy on the eyes. There was a giant draw back to this new person... She lived in Louisiana... I didn't expect our relationship to go beyond friends, but it just continued to evolve. We would skype while I worked on my Thesis, Case Notes, and other school related things. This was comforting and hard at the same time.. Reason being is that I still lived in Crystals house at this time. It was uncomfortable and deep inside I felt like I was being disrespectful to Crystal since I was in her house (paying her 500 in rent) but still fairly fresh from our break up. I saw her walking around hurting, as was I, but I also had breaks from that hurt when I would Skype with Christen. I would laugh, and talk about silly stuff to cut the edge off of the hard day of being a free mental health intern. She could hear me laughing, talking and at times she could see the light shining under my door from my computer after I had fallen asleep while skyping with Christen. Tension and jealousy came to a head (understandably now that I look back on it) and the time came to where I HAD to move out of her house for my own sanity. This was all happening right in the middle of my last semester of grad school. Right in the middle of the scurry to finish my thesis in time to graduate.. I ended up moving out into an apartment in an area of Sac that I was less than thrilled to live in. I'm still here by the way.. at least until march 2012.
Fast forward.... I lived alone for 6 months. It was one of the hardest transitions I've ever made. I went from living with someone for 8 years to being alone again. It made getting my thesis finished easy, but it was hard in just about every other way. Letting go of 8 years is hard. And I still tear up a little when I think about it. Not because I still have feelings for Crystal but because of everything that came with that 8 years. All of the great, good, bad, and ugly.
Since we talked on a daily basis at this point. Christen and I decided to meet face to face. She jumped on a plane and flew to CA. I had spent months talking and looking at this person over skype. She had seen me cry, study, sleep, and eat via Internet. Now it was going to become "3-D" I still remember the day so clearly. I drove to the Sac airport. I must have gotten there at least an hour early, my nerves were so high. I waited at terminal A, staring at the escalator as people poured down. I spotted her, and stood up. She didn't see me at first, and then we locked eyes. She took off down the escalator and sprinted towards me. All 5 feet 3 inches of her hit me like a linebacker. I gave her a giant huge, and a gentleman behind us said out loud "now thats a hug!" She stayed a week and then had to go back to Louisiana. From that point on she came to CA just about every month until she moved here. In May I graduated and finished a decade long run at higher education. Many of you knew me when I was going through nursing school myself. Then you followed me from Fresno to my move to Sacramento and my ultimate acceptance into the Grad program, and then to the completion of this program.
In Sept 2011 Christen was able to get her Louisiana nursing license switched to a CA nursing license and we started to plan her move. I flew back to Louisiana to meet her family and bring her back to CA with me. Sept 11 2011 at 530 am we left in her Rav 4 attached to a U-haul and and headed west to CA. Now if you've never driven 2000 miles attached to a Uhaul with your significant other, I suggest you try it! If you can survive that you can survive anything! 4 states, several adventures, and 5 days later we pulled into Sacramento.
She has now been here for 3 months and its been so wonderful. Now thats not to say that there hasn't been adjustment pains on both of our parts, but she really is a wonderful person and helps to bring out the best in me. We knew each other last year at this time, but this year is different. We get to spend it together.
Many of you know that I struggle with the holidays. My parents are not supportive of my "same sex relationship" and will not allow me to bring Christen down for the holidays or even to meet her. So this year I stood up to them for the first time. I will not be there for Christmas this year. I will be spending my Christmas with Christen. I have compromised by going down from Thursday-Saturday afternoon and then I will drive back to spend Christmas eve night and Christmas day with Christen. Thats something I was never able to harness the strength to do while with Crystal. Year after year I cowered down and complied to family tradition, dismissing my own needs and wants and leaving Crystal either alone or to go to her family's house alone. Well... I can't do that anymore nor do I want to. I dont want to start this relationship off like that. It was rough and emotional having this talk with my parents. But I did it and feel good about it after the fact.
In between all of this craziness I was also the designated "Birth Coach" for my best friend Adrienne. Her husband was deployed to Afghanistan for 90% of her pregnancy, leaving me as the back up. On Sept 3rd at 5am I get a call "Jenn, its time!" 24 hrs and 0 sleep later Caleb was born. It was such an amazing experience and I was so honored to be able to support Adrienne through that all be part of the event.
Haha, I think I gave myself anxiety writing this all out. It reminded me just how crazy this past year and a half has been. And I really only skimmed the surface. I didn't mention health issues, job issues, or the growing pains that go along with it all.
This feels like a giant ramble, but I've been feeling those "growing pains" lately and needed to just get some of it out. I have a tendency to minimize until things explode. So this is a way to let a little pressure out.
I realize my blog followers have dwindled away, but for those of you that still do read my blog, thank you for your years of support and reading. You all have followed me through some of my most challenging years yet and I appreciate your prayers and support.

I hope that 2012 brings us all the comfort and joy that we wish for. I dont know if I will post again before New Years, so if I dont I wish you all a very happy Holiday and a blessed New Years. <------- Standing in the middle of the Grand Canyon just before a lightening storm. 3rd day of our cross country trip.

December already???

2011-12-04T12:03:00.000-08:00

How in the world is it already December again?? It felt like I was just getting over last years holidays and then... BAM... here's another round. This time last year I had just ended an 8 year relationship and was starting my final semester of grad school. Well... thats all very far behind me now in the grand scheme of things. I'm now completely finished with school, finally starting a career, and am in a new relationship that is much more complementary than my past relationship.Its so wild to realize that I had no clue who I was or what I was about a year + ago. I'm still not sure how I came to lose who I was/am in my past relationship. Its very confusing for me since I feel as though I have a fairly strong and independent personality. But... it happened, I got lost trying to keep someone else happy and neglected myself and what I needed.Now... Im finding myself again. Its actually not as freeing and liberating as I thought it would be before this whole process started. Its a little scary, unfamiliar, and intimidating at times. I'm getting to know myself in a completely different way, which is requiring a whole new level of self-tolerance. There are so many ways in which my development was stunted by being in my last relationship. Intimacy, self-confidence, body image acceptance... so many things that were just not addressed for so long... I have moments of mourning the past 9 years, but then I realize that without them I wouldn’t be who I am today, and today I’m a lot closer to being comfortable with myself than I’ve ever been.

The holidays have always been tough for me since moving out of my parents house. Some of my previous Holiday posts reflect that a little more, but this year, though I find myself lightly-moderately depressed, it is a different kind of depression. Not as heavy or regretful. I now have the confidence and maturity to have the conversations that need to happen with my parents around the issue of my sexuality during the holidays to sort out how things will go, since my significant other is never allowed in my parents house. No matter how long I’m with them.

On a lighter note… I may be going back to work with the Autistic population. I miss it so much and there is an opportunity open in the area, so I will be meeting and discussing this opportunity this Wed. We’ll see what they offer.

I know the holidays can be tough for some, so I hope this post finds you all doing well and enjoying your friends and family. Be kind to yourselves as the holidays come and go.

Here, there, everywhere

2011-09-25T12:43:00.001-07:00

Hey all. My its been a while since I've been able to post. So much has gone on. Finally...FINALLY done with school. Christen is FINALLY here with me in California and life is FINALLY starting to settle down.

A little run down. Though the job market is tough for my area of work, I have been offered a job as a contracted critical needs assessor. It pays well but is not considered full time because it is contract work, and does not offer benifits. So my quest for "full time" work is still going on.

Christen was finally able to get her CA nursing license. So on Sept 7 I flew to Lousiana. I got to see where she grew up, and all the small things in her town that have helped to shape her into the beautiful person that she is. There was a family "meet and greet" the day after I got there. It was a little anxiety enducing, but I feel went really well. She has a very loving family. On Spet 10th we started drive to CA with her Rav 4 and a uhaul trailer. Ohhhh my! Let me tell you, driving across country with a u-haul trailor is a relationship builder at best! I think we handled it very well though. We stopped for a day in Austin Tx. That was pretty fun. We saw some drag queens (performers) we had some very yummy sushi, and learned how to have pacients when it comes to driving down one way streets.
It was about at this point I started to get sick. I knew I had ear infections in both ears but kept pushing on. I didnt want to ruin our trip. From Austin we went to New Mexico. Didn't do much there, it was just a pit stop before we got to the grand canyon. Once we got to AZ I was pretty sick. I'm pretty sure the ear infections lead to a sinus infection, but still, I pushed on. The grand canyon was amazing. There was a lightening storm when we were there that was fantastic! Unfortunately the thunder scared a dog and it got away from its owner. It somehow made it two miles away from its home and found us. Christen being the dog lover that she is, stayed with the dog in a down pour until we could get ahold of the owner (who happened to be a park ranger) And since I wasn't going to leave Christen alone, in the rain and thunder and lightening with a dog for Lord knows how long, I sat there, with a fever, in the rain with them until the owner came. (luckily the dog had a take with a phone number on it) Ohhh and by the way...monsune season in AZ is definitely something to experience...

It took us 5 days to get home, and I felt like poop for most of it, but it was also such an amazing trip. We played a car game called the "ungame" which can be found on Amazon for 5 bucks. I highly suggest it for all couples. We learned so much about each other and had so many great conversations.

We unloaded the U-Haul the afternoon we got home, and finally two weeks later we pretty much have everything in its place. On another positive note, she already has a job here! Man... I should have stayed in nursing school. It pays well and is in demand...but NO... I had to go into mental health social work or as I like to call it "Jesus work". It doesn't pay well, is greatly needed, but no funding. Anyways, its nice to have some financial stability again and am glad she got a job in the area of nursing she wanted to work in AND its close to home, so she doesn't have to travel far.

Lastly...yes, I am still sick. My decision to "push on" during our trip has left me with a super cootie. I have been sick for 17 days now. It has sucked! Yesterday lead to a trip to Urgent Care where I was given a stronger antibiotic. I really hope it works. I'm going nuts being this sedintary.
I'm hoping to upload some new pictures soon. I hope this finds you all doing well. I think about my blogger friends often even though I dont get the opprotunity to check in as much as I would like. You all have been such an amazing source of support for me throughout the years and that is something I dont forget. I'll be making my rounds to your pages soon :-)

Happy June

2011-06-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

Hey all. Hope this finds you all doing well. Time is going so quickly and crawling at that same time. Any of you every feel like this? Things are going ok. I'm adjusting to civilian life outside of college pretty well. The first two weeks were tough, but now I'm starting to ease into "normalcy". I've got applications out, had a interview yesterday for a position as a mental health counselor for youth ages 2-21. I'll know by friday if I made it to the second round of interviews. The competition is pretty intense for jobs in my area of work right now. Thank you budget cuts!! So I'm competing against professionals that have been in the field for years. The only thing I've got going for me is that I've been trained in the "newest methods" where as many of the "well seasoned" counselors are stuck in their ways and beliefs. So hopefully that will help out.

The time for christen to move to California is getting closer. Its not close enough for either one of us, but its getting here. Its gone from here getting here in June, to hoping she can get here in July, and now I'm preparing myself for her to not get here permanently until Aug..

On a lighter note, I've started to explore what I used to like to do before being taken over by Grad School. I've gotten back on my long board (skateboard not surf) and reacquainted myself with mindless cruising with my headphones on. Hehehe and at first I also reacquainted myself with the asphalt. I've also started reading for pleasure again. At the moment I"m reading the Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson. He is the author of The men who stare at goats. Its a very interesting non-fiction book on psychopathy and how many of the most "successful" people have a great deal of psychopathic characteristics. Its an easy read, entertaining, and very interesting.

Here are a few pictures of the important happenings of the last few months

This hat, robe, and hood around my neck cost me over $25,000. ;-)

Mt brother Bryan who also had a graduation this year. He has busted his ass to get through nursing school, then went on to be a nurse anesthetist, and now he just received his Ph.D. in nursing. I am very proud of him. The competition between us, along with his encouragement has helped me to dig deep and get to where i'm at.

And this is Christen.... :-) For some reason I can't get away from the medical field. I thought when I ran as fast as I could from the nursing program myself that that would be the end of my dance with the medical field. Nope, I'm bombarded by it. My brother, my mom is a nurse, and this beautiful sasstress is also a RN.

Hope you guys enjoyed the peek into my world!

Be well :-)

Wow

2011-05-17T13:32:00.000-07:00

Well... I did it. I have finished grad school. It has been a wild ride. I'm finding that it is bitter sweet. Two years ago I would have never imagined that it would end like this. I would have told you back then that I would be extremely excited about being done with college, and looking forward to graduation where I would walk up, get my diploma, and afterwards give Crystal a big hug and start to live life with her as a "civilian" (non student). That is not my reality. I'm feeling sad actually, and quite scared. Crystal was a huge support in so many ways during my journey in college and it is proving to be pretty emotion to be done and not have her be part of it. I'm considering inviting her to my graduation for closure purposes, but still haven't decided...

Christen has been wonderful through all this. She allows me to talk about this kind of stuff without getting offended, defensive, or jealous. She realizes that Crystal was a huge part of my life for a long time and that this kind of stuff is going to come up. I am thankful that she is so understanding. She's going to be coming for 5 days at the beginning of June. I'm SOOOOO looking forward to that..but kinda bummed that she wont be able to come to my graduation. I enjoy my time with her so much. Her projected move date is around July.. Not soon enough.

Employment wise, I had an interview with a private non profit mental health agency. It is for the position of a Perinatal Drug Treatment and Mental Health counselor. It sounds like a nice agency to work. Small..and services the rural population of West Sacramento. I should know by the end of the week if I got the job. It would be WAAAAY too easy if that was the case. And I will feel so blessed. With budget cuts, my job options are few and far between.

This is such a wild time of life for me. It sad and exciting, and scary, and liberating. Its a time of mourning and a time of celebrating. Its the end of so many things and the beginning of so many more thing.

Hope you all are doing well. I will make it to your pages soon!

How's it goin??

2011-04-02T08:03:00.000-07:00

Hey guys how's it goin? Its been a while and thought I would check in . Hope this all finds you doing well. At this time it finds me settling into a new place. I moved out of Crystal's house on the 21'st and into a apartment with the cat and the turtle. Christen will be joining me some time in the summer hopefully. The physical move went fairly easy. I had mostly everything ready to be moved. I got a Uhaul. I hired one guy to help with moving, Christen flew over for the week to hang out and help with the move (she's little but very strong... the mover man was impressed..hehe must the gymnast in her..) It did however suck that we were moving my stuff into a upstairs apartment.. The stairs got old. The emotional aspect of the move was definitely the toughest for me and I'm glad I can be open about that kind of stuff with Christen. It was very tough and surreal separating my stuff away from Crystal's after 9 years of it being together. Physically moving it away... It was tough to say the least. Ya know, Crystal and I used to get into this little argument all the time because she would get tired fo the noise of the tv and go shut the tv off and I'd get mad and walk in the room and see the tv was shut off and say " I turned that on for a reason" she'd say " but you weren't in here" and then I'd explain to here that the background noise helped with my anxiety. Its interesting how I'm challenged with that now. I have not watched TV in 5 days . The comcast guy came on Monday and did something and now I dont even get local channels.. I'm not paying for cable at the moment but I thought you got local channels for free...Anyways...no tv, just snow.. and no background noise. Music doesnt work the same for me, so its definitely been a challenge. On a lighter note... Graduation.. May 20th... Looking forward to that... :-) Hope you all are doing well. I hope to get around to your pages soon!

Quick Update

2011-01-31T14:50:00.000-08:00

Hey all. Things are going pretty good over here. I've moved into the house with Crystal, things are slightly odd and tense, but ok. It could be worse. I just started my last semester of this grad program. Sooooo ready to be out of school and live a "normal life".

Crystal and I have technically been broken up now for almost 4 months now, but in reality it has been almost a year since we've actually been connected. I've learned a lot about myself in this time apart. And yes, I do realize that we still live in the same house, but the responsibility I feel for her comfort and happiness is not at all what it used to be, and that has been such a wonderful change in my life. I had forgotten who "Jenn" is! I had become entirely too serious about life, way to structured on my "off time", not nearly as sassy as I naturally am, wasn't being the naturally silly me, and not really enjoying myself. Now that I have had the chance to take a step back and look... I had turned into a mini Crys. Now, I do not want to talk trash on Crys, there are many wonderful qualities about her, and we for many years had good times together. We just simply started drifting off in different directions, and I was going a direction that did not feel natural or authentic to me. It is also obvious that she is bothered by who I want to be and how I live my life (it does not seem to fit into her very predictable, structured and serious way of living, which I respect but do not want to live my life like that)

I planned to be single for quite some time after this split, but life has brought someone into my life. There is no age difference, which makes things easier. I had no idea how much of an impact Crys and I's 9 year age difference had on who we were as a couple. It definitely required me to "age" a bit to keep the peace. I can just be me with this new person. She actually likes and appreciates my sassy, silly, loudness outside of my work (which of course I am reserved and professional) Time with her feels very natural, we giggle, we can talk seriously, we can cry, we can just sit and hold hands and watch a movie. I know it sounds odd, but I never had that with Crys. There was always a level of tension involved..

I will always treasure the good times Crys and I had, and will always be grateful for the support she gave me and the experiences we had, but it is definitely time for me to move on, feel life, enjoy life the way I want vs enjoying it to the degree that it wont interfere with her life.
There is a location hang up with my new relationship. There is quite a bit of distance between us, and we dont get to see each other often but when we do its a week at a time. Her job will not allow for a closer location until June. So things are definitely being paced for us by the "Universe"

I have recently been told by several people that I seem much happier and lighter. That my energy has changed. All I have in response is "I am! And it has!!"

Things are getting better ya'll. My health is getting better, I"m on the last leg of grad school, I'm starting to feel more authentic, and I'm not taking life quite so seriously outside of my profession.

So thats me for now.. Hope you all are doing well, I'll be making my rounds to all your pages soon!

The end is near

2010-12-06T13:35:00.000-08:00

Hey all, I have TOTALLY neglected this blog lately, and am so sorry for not making it around to everyones pages. This week is the last week of school for my winter semester and today I just registered for my last semester of college!! What a great feeling. My last degree I knew I'd be going back, but this time, I think I"ll be done for a while. This body and mind are tired.

Sooo much has gone on in the past few months. My internship has brought so many unexpected situations into my life. School has been slightly challenging but not too bad, and my personal life...yeeesh! So... Its final, Crys and I are officially split up. Its a complicated situation but I have found that I have lost quite a bit of myself these past couple years by over compromising with her. I have recently realized that I like who I naturally am, and lost that part of myself just trying to keep the peace with her. I don't want to do that anymore, I want to be Jenn. Silly, sassy, carefree Jenn. I forgot that I am naturally care free... Somewhere along the line I started living a daily life of feeling weighted down. Always feeling like I need to keep up with what she wanted, what would stop her from having a "Crys reaction" and not acknowledging how I naturally what to live.
Since the split there has been a lot to work out. I have felt more authentic in regards to myself. I'm feeling like I can be me. The strange part is that we will probably live together until I graduate. We both need the other at this point in time to pay for living costs, which has made the "closure process" challenging. I think this is more so due to the fact that I'm ok with us not being together, she on the other hand is not ok with it and is reacting in ways that I would have never expected. But... I wont get into that...I really dont want to slander her name.

My seizures are always changing. I'm loaded down with medication right now. They have gone from frequent and mild to sporadic and violent. Surgery has now become an option, but my hope is that that can be prolonged until the end of May, after I snatch up my diploma and add a few more letters behind my name. We'll see how it goes. This last bad seizure left me with two black eyes and a bruised forehead...so its all up in the air.

Life is busy...life is stressful...life is scary...but life is also good. Some beautiful things have entered my life and I am so thankful for them...

Hope you all are doing well. I hope to get around to your pages soon!

First few weeks

2010-09-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

Good grief! Thats all I can say. The first few weeks of school and internship have been exhausting! Its been a wild adjustment to say the least. Where to start...where to start..?
I'll start with the internship... I think I've mentioned before that I am a Mental Health Counselor at a womens shelter for my MSWII final year. I want to start this by saying I love it there, and I love the women that I work with. They are a rough bunch, with a lot of defenses and walls up, but I get to see a glips of them when they're in my office for that one hour a week. I didn't expect to have such a "spectrum" of clients. I thought I might see some DV cases, a lot of drug cases and maybe a few PTSD clients. Boy was I wrong. I do have a few of each but in addition I am working with a lot of anxiety, a lot of depression, and few clients with schizophrenia, a few boarderline clients, and a few people I can't quite get a dx on. The crap thing is that it is company policy to do an assessment at diagnosis the first time I meet them. Thats just not realistic in some cases. Where many are fairly easy to diagnose such as PTSD and depression, some just have me baffled!
I'm seeing between 6-7 women a day, 3 days a week. Its pretty damn tiring, but I have to say...I really enjoy it and the work I do with the women.

School is going well. My classes are going pretty smoothly. Not a lot of class work due to the thesis. I'm taking an advanced mental health class as well as a Mental Health Rehab class. And one saturday a month I have a 8 hour field practice class. And in the back of all that is my looming thesis.

I'm happy to add in that crys and I's 9 year anniversary is this Sunday. Some days it feels like we've been together for 3 years, other times it feels like 20. Is that normal? Hahaha, either way, I still love her every morning we wake up.

So thats me as of now. I'm tired but have learned so so so much in the past three weeks. I just hope to adjust to this new schedule soon. Three 8 hour days monday-wed of internship, class on Thursday and friday and once a month on saturday, case notes, thesis, and papers. Its wild guys...WILD!

Week one down, 40 more to go

2010-09-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

So my first week of my last year of the MSW program is over. It was definitely a long week. After being introduced to my internship for the year I'm feeling a little nervous. Its going to be an environment and population I have little to know experience with. Its a shelter for women who are in a period of homelessness, have AOD and or mental health issues, and many have children residing there with them. Many are tangled up in the criminal justice system as well as CPS. The environment itself is pretty hectic from what I experienced. I was told that on Tuesday I'll already have 8-10 women to see and the tough part is that my supervisor is going on vacation just as I start so i wont really get any training on paper work, protocol, or tips on how to address this population. I'm pretty much getting thrown into it and have to hope that I float.

On a lighter note, school went fairly well. I only have to take 3 classes (due to writing the thesis) and the 2 that I've gone to seem interesting so far. I'm taking an advanced mental health class, which is right up my alley of interests, and a mental health rehabilitation class, which seems ok so for. I will have my 3rd class next Saturday. Its a once a month, 8 hour practice class.
The one thing I don't like is that my advanced mental health class is a night class. I really don't like taking night classes, for many reasons but luckily its interesting so that in itself will get me there.

As for this weekend... I'm just appreciating that its a 3 day weekend and soaking it up before the hectic schedule starts again.

This and that

2010-08-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

So.... since Im a week away from my last year of grad school I decided to down grade my hair from sassy with red highlights to dark brown...almost black. I guess thats what I get when my stylist says "so what color are we doing today" and I respond with" ehhh whatever brown you mix up back there." I'm not to picky about my hair.. I see it as "just hair". I'll rock it either way.

School starts for me next week. I'll have 3 days a week working in a clinical mental health internship, and 3 days of class. Yes... I'm taking a Saturday class... It kinda sucks, but.. what can ya do..On top of that I'll be working on my thesis and trying to fit in homework somewhere. I never understood why people cried at their graduations, but this time I think I might tear up. Undergrad was a piece of cake, but this... this is a true challenge.

I'm ready for it though. I'm bored of summer and need challenge back in my life.

I think I mentioned it in my last post, but Crys got a job. I'm hoping that will smooth things out a bit at home. Its nice to have extra time with the one you love, not so nice with that time is induced by unemployment...

In addition to all this, it would me a lot to me if you guys wold take 4 minutes to watch this youtube clip. It is something very close to my life and heart. All of the people in it are individuals that work at the hospital. It was done to raise money for breast cancer prevention and treatment.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEdVfyt-mLw

So thats me for now. Hope you are all doing well and I'll be making it to your pages within the next few days.

This and that

2010-08-12T16:00:00.000-07:00

Man, this summer was a bit overwhelming for me. I'm really looking forward to starting back to school and having something to focus on other than myself and the stuff going on around me.
There have been a lot of ups and downs the past 3 months. A lot of stress, a lot of dreams that crumbled and now its the "rebuilding" phase. I'm ready for it. One can only take so much demolition. It is very tiring.
This next year should go by pretty fast..in theory.. My last year of grad school and last year of school for a while until I get the school bug again and go back for my PhD. or find another Grad program that I want to do. "My name is Jenn and I'm a Schoolaholic" ;-) I don't know what it is, but I enjoy the challenge and structure of school.
I'm about half way done with my literature review for my thesis. I should be done with it by now but have had a few distractions lately keeping me from really focusing on it.
On a positive note, Crys was offered a job position. Not the one we were hoping for, and for less money than she was making with the County, but it is one that will help her accumulate her LCSW hours, which will pay off in the long run. Interesting enough, she got a job for the same company I'll be doing my 2nd year internship at. Luckily we will be at different locations so there won't be a "conflict of interest".
I'll be interning at a shelter for women doing mental health and AOD counseling. I'm a little nervous. My speciality is working with children but decided I wanted to step out of my comfort zone my last year and gain more solid skills in working with adults. Should prove to be interesting.
This is such a scary time for me. I'm headed towards the end of a long educational road and not sure what will come of it all during this tough economic time. I hope that my experience in working with children with spectrum disorders makes me valuable. Its something I'm very passionate about, and would love to continue to do after I'm done with grad school. I guess only time will tell.
Its very strange...I feel like this is a time where I need and want a lot of comfort and support but i'm having a hard time accepting it once its offered. I'm hoping to overcome that challenge soon.

Anywho, thats my little update. Hope you all are doing well and enjoying the last bits of summer. I'll make it around to your pages soon.

Tough Stuff

2010-07-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

Man, July has not been the kindest month to me. I feel like its a "white knuckle" month. Crys was laid off from Sac county due to budget issues. She was bumped for those of you that know County lingo. And of course once she is laid off the house that we have been waiting for the issues to clear up for almost 9 months now decides to move ahead. We had to let it go given the current situation, which has truly broke my heart. I can not even describe how tired I am of living in an apartment. I try to remember that as far as apartments go the one we live in is great and right next to the river, but it is really starting to get to me.

Its hard to concentrate on my Thesis with all of this going on around me, but I have a deadline of finishing my Lit Review by the end of Aug, so I need to snap out of it. On a positive note, it is now a for sure thing that CSUS will pay me $1850 a month to specialize in childhood mental health. The school wasn't sure they were going to get the funing, but it is secure now.

On another positive note, Crys's parents are coming down from Oregon to see a SF Giants game and they have invited us to come so we're going to meet up with them in San Fran on Thursday-Friday to watch the game and have some down time.

So thats me in a nutshell for this month. Hope all of your summers are going well.

Some more pictures from Maui

2010-07-10T14:32:00.000-07:00

Me and the sister in law posing with hula boys

Hat shopping! can you believe I didn't buy it!?!? ;-)

Lunch right off the beach with all the girls guess which one is the sister in law I don't care to ever see again..

Me, my fav sister in law, and ma in law :-)

Strikin a pose.

Me and Crys being silly

Hey all. I thought I'd put a few more pictures from Maui on here. I'm still getting them downloaded slowly but surely. Life is a little crazy right now. I'm knee deep in my Thesis, really busting my ass to try to get myself into the shape I know I can be in, and other life stressors. Hope you are all doing well. I'll make it around to your pages soon!

Pictures from Maui

2010-06-30T12:38:00.000-07:00

Hey all, Just thought I'd share a few pictures I've been able to get on my computer. The trip to Maui was amazing. When we got to our condo (which was free for us to stay in since it was a friend of Crys's family's) it was beautiful! A huge 2 story, bamboo floor, 3 bed 3 bath with a view of the beach and a patio bar. We went with Crys's mom and sister. This was the first time I had ever met Crys's sister in all the years that we've been together. I totally understand why now. She was the worst part of the trip. She is a 47 year old drama queen that things life is burger king and she can have it her way. Sooooo much of the trip was spent shuffling her around to whatever she wanted to do. We only rented one car so it made it challenging for Crys and I to get away on our own without having to deal with her pouting should she not get her way. She is the type of person that if you try to ignore her she gets in your personal space to get your attention. She never once carried on a normal conversation. You know... asking others about themselves, inquiring on how her sister is doing, asking what anyone else wanted to do.. Normal social behavior... Everything she said was about her. She fits EVERY criteria in the DSM for Narcissistic Personality. Seriously! And Crys's family is completely opposite of mine. They don't call each other on their "stuff" or get confrontive at all. It was very hard for me to follow those rules. Luckily I LOVE Crys's mom and Sister in Law.
In between the frustrations with the sister a good time was had between Crys, myself, Jodi (the sister in law) and Pat (the mom) We shopped, cocktailed it (I had to watch my sass towards the sister while drinking lol) Crys and I surfed, and snorkeled with turtles, we went to a Luau and watched fire dancers, lounged at the pool, stared at the beach, cocktailed some more lol, and did TONS of people watching. The sister aside, it was an awesome experience. Though I am so happy that the sister lives in Seattle and never comes down to visit while we are up in Portland.
Next time we come back, she will not be invited. And she's lucky we didn't vote her off the island this time! lol Crys came in our room towards the end of the trip and said "I don't think my sister likes you too much" my response was "thank God! If she did she'd try to talk to me more!" I got very good at shutting her down, and ignoring her towards the end of the trip. I suppose she's never encountered someone who didn't cater to her needs. But... Now she has! I played her game to a certain degree but then realize she was stealing the trip from everyone else and couldn't take it, so I started setting boundaries.
I'm hoping to download some more pictures within the next few days, when I do I'll get them posted and have less of a bitching post to go along with them ;-)

Hope you all are doing well!

Surfing In Lahaina
Lounging at the pool
One of the many beautiful views from the beach
Luau with fire dancers
Haha, must be a boy frog, died with its head somewhere it didin't belong. We called it our tiki frog. Sick humor...
Jenn+cocktails+ drink umbrella=fun!

Jenn in June

2010-06-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

This is just one thing that I'm doing in June.We are going to Maui on June 21st-27th. I can't tell you guys how much I've been looking forward to this. If feels like my whole life! With all of my medical stuff, comfort changes in life, school, clients, budget issues.... I just feel DONE! Fried! I hope this gives me a chance to recenter as well as Crys and I a chance to form a tighter bond.

My seizures seem to be pretty under control now with a diet change, and med change. I have only had 3 absence seizures in the past 25 days and since my overhauling treatment/med change and diet change have got me down to 135 lbs. haha, I haven't seen that weight since high school.

My thesis.... well, lol I've got about 700 pages of literature to read in the next 2 months. Gotta love chapter 2 of a thesis! :-P

On a totally different topic, I'm wondering if any of you have read the book Circle of Stones? My wonderfully awesome friend Carrie from blogger sent me this book last week. (her timing was impeccable!) I can honestly say that it has changes my internal dialog. Which as I'm sure you all know is HUGE! It helped me to understand something that I've payed thousands in counseling for, and shed millions of tears over in my years on this earth. It gave me a template for thinking that I had not encountered before. Its a quick read, 100 or so pages, easily understood, not a self-help book, but definitely helpful in more ways than I can put words to. Thank you again Carrie! You're a pretty cool chicky :-)

My ribs are nearly healed now. That was one of the worst injuries I have ever sustained, and I have sustained quite a few in my days. Its now is more of a slight bruised feeling with a tightness.

I've been doing some writing in my bold blend blog. Its unfortunate that the deeper stuff has to be patrol ed by moderation, but should you normal readers want to check in with that blog and dont have access, just let me know. And for those of you who do read the bold blog, Ill be posting again soon.

Hope you all are doing well and having fun adventures with your summer. I'll be checkin in soon :-)

Update

2010-04-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

This has been a wild month guys. Thats all I have to say. On a positive note, my head is much better, my hair is growing back around it, and I was able to touch up my color since it was bleached out after pouring peroxide in my hair getting crusted blood out. My bad luck comes in at this point. I was finally cleared to play in my soccer league again after the head thing. So this past sunday I played in our game. I am goalie, and I'd like to think I'm a pretty tough one. Somehow about 20 minutes into the game, a girl that had at least 100 pounds on me came charging at me with the ball. Without thinking of consequences...I did what I had to do to stop her from scoring... This included slamming into her with some pretty intense force. As she went flying, and as I went flying, I was able to slap the ball away in mid air, but that followed by the other player cleating me in the ribs as she went flying.

I have 3 bruised ribs and one fractured. This hurts WAAAAY worse than my head crack. There is no way to be comfortable, it hurts to breathe, and sitting in a desk for 6 hours is not cool. I actually ended up standing for most of the day..which can be tiring. Luckily I'm developing some really awesome friendships with some of the people in my grad program.

I was starting to lose faith that were good people out there, wanting friendships with no agenda. But there have been a few awesome individuals that have come into my life who are just "real". They are the type of people that what you see is what you get and I really appreciate that quality in people.

So...as for the seizures... the overwhelming belief is that the seizures are from a spot in my left lobe that is showing damage. What caused this damage..? Well most of you know that I grew up in a pretty rough home, and I survived a pretty violent assault. So.. between the two of those.. the belief is that this spot occurred, and now it is starting to produce seizures. mostly focal in nature ( Long staring with a little twitching) I'm on topomax, its starting to work, but I still have small episodes.

I start my thesis in a month or so. I'm creating Graduate level curriculum on Developmental Disabilities for the Social Work Department. Sadly that is not part of the current curriculum, and most people go out into the field with little prior education on the topic and not knowing how to treat individuals with developmental disabilities who also need mental health services. So.. I'm going to create curriculum, do pretests and post tests and if the numbers turn out positively I'm going to propose that Sac State initiate that as part of their grad curriculum. I love the idea that I might be able to leave a little bit of myself behind once I graduate, by presenting this curriculum. I hope its a successful project!

So..thats me in a nutshell right now. Crys and I go to Hawaii in a month and a half. We're spending a week in Maui. I've never been to Hawaii so I'm excited! And since taking the Topomax and working out, and eating well I've lost 15 pounds. Im actually starting to like how I look... Though it will now be a while before I can workout or lift anything due to the ribs.. And my birthday is coming up. Its next tuesday. I can't believe how the years slip by.. wild really..

Hope this finds you all doing well. I think about you all often.
Happy Tud

What I've been dealing with..

2010-03-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

So this was the result of a seizure I had. 6 staples in the head, a minor concussion and quite a few neurology appointments for the next few weeks..

Need to vent

2010-03-08T11:53:00.000-08:00

Man its been a tough go the last few weeks. I've tried blogging a few times, I get half way into the posts and then I get frusterated. I think I was trying to explain and say too much at one time in the posts, so today less is more.

I'm half way through my second grad school. Its starting to build up.. I have 16 hours of class a week, 24+ hours of a clinical therapist internship, I'm losing some stress induced/holiday candy weight, and buying a house. Crys is working a full time job and then on friday's in volunteering her time to collect hours to get her LCSW at a drug treatment program. So m-f we both get up at 5:30am, start our days and then don't get home until somewhere between 6-8pm. Which gives us about 2 and a half hours to clean up the house, give each other a hug or two, eat something, take a shower and go to bed. Then every other sunday I have a 8am-5pm class on Differential Diagnosis.

Bank of America contacted us last week and said that if we gave them 7k more then we could have the short sale house we've been waiting on. So we said ok since it only raised our payments 30 bucks a month over the span of 30 years. We so badly want this 8 grand tax credit for new home buyers and are scared that the escrow wont start in time for us to get it.

So...there's a lot of stress right now. The stress is making me angry and I'm having a few minor (old Jenn) flare ups. Which basically means I get pissed off easily. My anxiety turns to anger and I want to fight. I used to be quite the little fighter in my younger years and rarely got beat. Little peices of that part of me are trying to pop up again.. and I don't like it. I don't like feeling that angry. I know I have self control now and the likelihood of me actually popping off on someone is slim but never the less I don't like it. Thank god for my punching bag.

The other day I actually ended up having a mini breakdown trying to explain to Crys that I need more softness in my life. It feels like most people in my life are so used to me being the problem solver, the comforter, the strong one, the sassy one, the active and silly one that they forget that I need reciprical softness. I can take jokes and I don't mind being picked on, but I need hugs in between and told that I'm doing good. It feels like people think I don't need that. Well I do! I can juggle quite a bit at one time and still be successful, but man would it be nice to hear "Jenn, you don't have to"

So thats it in a nutshell guys. Sorry its such a negitive post, but its where i'm at and its not often I can honestly express it without someone getting offended or making it about themselves.

On a positive note... My sister in law is coming to Sacramento this friday with my niece. She has a conference to go to so she and the baby are going to stay here Friday-Sunday. That means that I me and Miss Hailey get to have Auntie and Me time!! Woo hoo! She's 6 months old now. She can giggle, and roll over and loves music. It should be a nice break from the frusteration I just wrote about.

I hope you ladies are doing well. I'm hoping to make it to your pages soon!

Rainy Days in Sacramento

2010-01-22T15:02:00.001-08:00

It has been raining for 8 days straight. At times downpouring. So much for good hair days. lol

Things have actually been fairly mild lately. I miss working with autistic population. I didn't think I would miss it as much as I do. But I really can't complain. I now work for a very awesome organization working with emotionally disturbed and behaviorally challenged kids and youth. I basically provide in home cognitive behavioral therapy, psycho education, and behavioral interventions through environmental adjustments. Its very interesting work, I have an amazing clinical supervisor, and I still get to work with kids. And I'm finally getting the professional recognition I've been urning for. Acknowledgement that I am a competent clinician, with good ideas, and have the ability to work with diverse populations.

I also received some really great news today. Months ago I applied to a Mental Health Stipend program through CSUS. Basically it is a opportunity to join a mental health focused cohort, we will be trained in various new approaches and methods of mental health interventions and get paid 25,000 for the year to do so. We will be placed in mental health facilities throughout Sacramento, working as mental health clinicians gaining experience, hours towards being licensed and getting school credits for it. I really wasn't sure how I did after the face to face interview for the program, but apparently I did well! I got one of the 30 spots out of the 200 people that applied. :-)

Haha, I've been so busy I really haven't have time to cause trouble lately. No fun stories, no wild adventures. Just getting educated, working, eating, sleeping and then doing it all over again. My plan is to do something fun this weekend. I haven't quite figured what it will be, but hopefully it all works out to be fun.

Hope you all are well. If you're in the path of the california storms...put on your rain coats! :-)

My Princess!

2009-12-27T13:19:00.000-08:00

Hehe... Yes...I am a very dorkey and in love auntie. My brother just posted this for me on youtube so I can watch her giggle when ever I want. I thought I would share it all with you :-D Who doesn't like to watch a baby giggle!?!?!?

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOz5bSSXOsE&feature=email

2009-12-21T07:55:00.000-08:00

My house is the one on the left with the yellow window and red door. Crys's is the houes with the wedding mints on it. I'm getting better with melting sugar! I made the window and door by hand. Thank you food network!

Ok, so I've almost made it through the holiday season. Just another week and a half and I'll be in the clear. This has been a particularly hard year for holidays this time around. The last few months have felt very lonely for me. Add holiday stuff to that and you've got a great receipe for depression stew. I'm hoping that 2010 brings enough distance from this past year to help me find my way back to center.

This year I am compromising with my Christmas plans. I am going down to my parents this year. I was semi looking forward to it until yesterday when my mom, as she often does, added her negitivity to the situation by telling me I need to drive after I already bought my train tickets because my gift is too big to take home in my suitcase and is being a HUGE brat about shipping it to me. I'm not driving. It is a set up. I can tell from a mile away. I want the security of having to leave at a specific time the day after christmas. Driving down takes that securety away. Sad that I have to create safety plans like this eh? Actually, I'm glad I've figured out that I need to do that to stay safe. It took way too many years of getting verbally abused and emotionally "set up" before I learned I needed such plans, but at least I'm aware now.

I'm leaving Thursday afternoon and coming back Saturday morning. I'm a little bummed out that my brother, sister in law and neice wont be there this year. They are doing the alternating thing and are at my sister in laws family this year..So I wont get my baby fix but hopefully everyone will behave and we can all just make it though the event with smiles anyways.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday. Hopefully you were all good and santa will bring you what you want most. For me.... I want my DAMN HOUSE ALREADY! lol

Happy Holidays my friends and may 2010 bring magic to your lives.

YAY!

2009-12-09T12:47:00.001-08:00

As of 12:04pm I was done with this semester!I walked my last 15 page paper into my Professors mailbox and exhaled. I wont have to attend class again until the middle of January. I still have to work, and still have clients through my intership (which is paid! HUGE bonus and was a total suprise when they offered me a paid position) So now it will be like having just ONE full time job instead of two!

This weekend...weather permitting...The wifey and I are going to head up to Oregon for her family Christmas party. There is supposed to be a dump of snow here within the next few days.. It actually snowed here in Sacramento the other day. At 6 am it was snowing. It never snows here because we're in a valley, so the snow normally dumps as it gets up to Tahoe. It didn't stick, but it was cool to see. I'm origionally from fresno.. remember? So our version of snow there was hail. LOL

Hope this update finds you all doing well.

Changing it up!

2009-12-06T19:48:00.000-08:00

Hey Ya'll,I thought it was time to take down the 4 year old picture of me and put up a current one. One that shows the earned bags and wrinkles :-)

So... this is me as of current :-)

Thanksgiving

2009-11-30T08:06:00.000-08:00

Hope you all had a very wonderful thanksgiving and for those of you who do not celebrate Thanksgiving... well I hope you had a great day doing what you do. The weather couldn't have been nicer where I was. Sunny and about 55. Thats pretty good for this time of year. Normally the fog is so bad that as kids we used to call it "Fresno Snow." Haha. Sad eh?

I rode the Amtrak down to my parents house the day before Thanksgiving. It was soooooo much better than driving. To get to where I live now to my parents house you have to drive highway 99. Many of you don't know what that is... but if you do know... then you know it sucks. People drive dangerously, there is nothing but farm land.... and well... it sucks. So I took the amtrak this time. It was the first time I had ever ridden a train. It wasn't bad. I expected it to be dirty and loud but it really wasn't. I just popped in the Soloist to my laptop and by the time it was over I had gone from Sac to Fresno and didn't have to sit by anyone the who way there or back. That was nice.. Not that I'm anti social but it is just nice to have a quiet traveling space.

I spent most of Wed (my train left sac at 6am so I was at my parents by 930.) with my niece. God I love that baby. She breathes life into my heart. I did not want to share her with everyone on Thanksgiving since I don't get to see her nearly as much as I would like to. So I borrowed my grams car and spent the day at my brothers house with my little Mak!

Thanksgiving was fine. There was as always too much food. This year it was at my dads side of the family. That would be the side that throws racial slang everywhere such as; stupid dyke's, homos, wetbacks, and yes...even nigger ( I dont normally repeat the words because the have such an emotional effect on me but sometimes its the only way to convey the discomfort I feel when I'm there.) And of course I"m not out to them. My parents have forbidden me to do so until my grandparents pass away...
I somehow tollerated it all by keeping my eyes on that little cutie of a baby!

My mom and I got along supprisingly well. She looks great! She had the Lapband surgery to help control her weight. She is now in a size 8/10 and was at a 22. So I am very proud of her.

So yes... everything went well until 930 the night of thanksgiving. My dad was tired so he went to bed, I was trying to help them figure out their tangled up entertainment system chording. Then my mom drops the bomb that I was hopping wouldn't be dropped. "Jennifer, I just have one question to ask, and then it can be over, but I just need to know if you know how you're living your life is wrong?" Now of course that was not the end of the conversation. It went on for two hours until I got to the point of just staring... A more detailed version of this covo will be processed out on my bold blend blog soon I'm sure..
Long story short... I'm still going to hell. She repeated many MANY times that this is something that they will never accept (me and Crys) That I need to think long and hard before bringing a child into the sin I live in, that I feel this way because of my assault (even though I has always felt this way just never acted on it due to the culture and environment I was raised in, and on and on. Much of which is too sensitive to put out on this blog without the safety of knowing who's reading it...So as I said... it will be on the bold blend soon.

So....2/3 of my trip was nice, the rest...well it kind of almost killed the enjoyment. ALMOST. I would have gone through it all over to spend another day with that Ms. Mak! :-)

Short update

2009-11-04T20:57:00.000-08:00

Man life is going way too fast right now. Hehe I almost got into an arguement with a co-worker today over the date. She said it was the 4th of November and I could not believe it. I thought..ok.. maybe the 2nd....but the 4th... I lost tract of two days.. can someone actually be that busy?

My semester is 3/4 of the way done. So far I'm pulling A's in all of my classes. The class part of this education program is not hard at all, it is the internship that is wearing me out. My internship is 2 1/2 days a week and it is that that tops me off. I get a lot of clients in my day... all with very different emotional and or chemical reasons for meeting with me. I love it, dont get me wrong, but it is definintely draining.

I have recently posted on my Bold Blend blog if you're a member of that there is a small update in there.

Other than that there's not much to update on. The house is still in limbo some where in "Short Sale Land" I'm hoping to hear something by the end of the month.

I hope this finds you all doing well. Thank you to those who continue to check in on me even when I'm slacking on my blogger updates.

:-)

Hey Ya'll

2009-10-14T09:12:00.000-07:00

Oooffff. It has been a doozy of a time lately. School, work, internship, house hunting, health problems.... Thank God its all starting to slow down.

So... let me start off in order... My fall semester is almost half way over. I'm a 1/4 of the way through my 2nd masters degree. Some tough news hit about a month ago though. A very amazing professor of mine that I was lucky enough to have for my MSW program as well as for this program passed away. She had been fighting bone cancer for a few years. She was on top of it for a while and then it just overcame her. It was heartbreaking. She really did have a great influence in how I see myself as a professional...

I am still working with Capitol Autism Services through all of this craziness of school. I love that job and the kids and families I work with. I have kept two clients. A 2 year old and a 5 year old. These two little boys make me smile sooooo much. Who would think that work would be a great escape from lifes stressors. I often hear "Jenn how are you working while going to school full time and having a internship?" My answer is " How could I not??" these kids keep me sane. They help me remember that my life is not as hard as I may think at times. They help me to stay young and silly, and they give the BEST HUGS! hehe

Crys and I just got a call from our realitor staying that a bank has accepted our offer on a house. Yes...again.... Maybe this time the contract will actually close and we'll ACTUALLY end up with a house. Its small... A 3 bedroom 2 bath in a older neighborhood. The best news is that I think we may walk away with a house payment just over 1,000. Can't really complain about that! This house is a shortsale so it could be a long process.. We'll see....

Lastly...my health. Its been a wild two months thats for sure. A few of you may remember about a year ago I had to have a lump removed from my breast. Well it came back fairly fast and larger. Sept 16th I had the almond sized growth removed and a week had to start 4 weeks of radiation. I have 1 more radiation treatment friday and then I'm done! YAY ! My doc seems to be very optimistic about it all. He likes the margins and the way my body responded to the radiation. So hopefully this will never be an issue again. If it is... Well.... I may just have to make the choice to be boobless! And I'm ok with that if I never have to have surgery or radiation again...

Crys has been amazing through it all. Of course we have had our tense moments but over all i could not ask for a more supportive..loving partner. I can't even begin to imagine my life without her.

So...thats my update. Im pretty much just living day to day trying to stay on top of everything. Ive never been so close to achieving my goals. I'm more than half way done with getting all the letters behind my name that I need to do what I want as a profession. I just might be getting a house with the person I love. I am blessed to have a job that enriches my life and I'm thankful for my awesome doctors.

Winter is coming fast. The holidays are creeping up...bleh... With that said I hope you all are taking care of yourselves. Wash your hands! You don't want to get H1N1 for Christmas! Wear warm clothes and know that even though I dont post as often as i'd like during this time of my life, I still often go to your pages and check in on you.

Hugs to you all!
Thanks for checking in on me :-)

What Jenn is Up To

2009-08-25T11:10:00.000-07:00

Ohhh my friends... I am so sorry for the lapse in blogs. I have no good excuse other than that I am totally overloaded with life. But before I go into my update I want to thank you all so very much for checking in on me and lending support even in my absence. It means more to me than I can express at the moment.

August 13th I was blessed with my first niece. Her name is Hailey. She was 6 pounds 9 ounces when born and I never thought I would stop crying once she was placed in my arms. Everyone said she looked like me. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life thus far... I live 2 and a half hours a way from her which hurts my feelings. I want and NEED to be in her life. Its going to prove to be challenging that's for sure. Especially since my parents don't want to see Crys. It is so very emotionally conflicting for me. I want Crys to share our niece and she wants to as well...but my parents are trying their hardest to cause a fuss because they want to share the experience with me but I chose to bring Crys when I go down there. I'd love to share it with them too... but they are making the choice to only see me under specific circumstances. I did not get butt ass drunk and come out at a wedding just to pretend I wasnt in a 8 year relationship with Crys.

Another round of school will be starting for me on the 31st. Yet another huge stresser thats popped up. On a positive note I was given a fantastic internship. I will be doing crisis intervention with families and their children ages 4-18. This should provide me with the clinical experience i've been craving. I was also offered a stipend after my interview with the agencey if I agreed to work 6 extra hours beyond what CSUS is requiring of me. I feel blessed with that offer since finances are tight right now.

We are still looking for a house. The amount we are willing to pay has definitely decreased... but we are still looking. We've been in contract 4 times so far and things have always desinigrated. So.... we just keep on keepin on with that one.....

I guess the last thing to mention is my health. Its not the best at the moment. The lump that was removed a while back is back... and bigger... It is this that is zapping most of my energy. THe worry, stress, and fear is driving me crazy. And trying to balance it with everything else in life is proving to be one of the biggest challanges I've ever faced. I don't know how to comfort myself around this right now. I'm having a hard time sleeping... maybe getting 4-5 hrs a night, I am having a hard time eating.... my stomach is constantly burning..... By the end of the day I'm finding it very hard to be nice to crys since it normally takes most of my energy to stay in my "Professional Role" and I have very little 3-D support at the moment. There are no quick answers with this one. Its one day at a time, one test at a time until its over. Thats the tough part for me. I want to know now, and I want it to be over with tomorrow. Not gonna happen though and thats making my skin crawl.

So there you have it my friends. A very short version of a very long story. I'm gonna add a few pictures of my past few months. Pictures can say things words cant express.
So with that said, thank you my friends for checking in on me, praying for me, and keeping me in your thoughts. It means so so much to me, even though I haven't been showing it like I should.
Thank you!

Of course the first pict is of me and the princess. Not the best picture of me but perfect of her! Then the second is of Crys and the wee one and last is my brother with his little princess!

The 411 on me

2009-06-24T18:31:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since I've posted. And again, through the request and encouragement of my blogger friends I'm sitting down to share the "low down" on me.

Honestly....it's a wild time in my life. I dont even know where to start really. We're still looking for houses. We have put in so many offers I can't even number them anymore. They all get outbid by others with a higher down payment. And the two that have been excepted somehow slipped through our fingers due to shadiness or technicalities. So... the search continues as interest rates rise.

Work is going good but tiring. I've recently had a client graduate from my program, which feels like a huge accomplishment on both of our parts. Now lets just hope that the parents keep up on the training. Thats always what nags at me. I know that half of the parents I work with will fall back into old routines after a certain amount of time without me in their house and the child will regress back to a certain degree. It sucks...but I can only do my part... My other clients are doing really well. I've even got my two year old client using sign language now. It took 4 months of constant bombardment but he's catching on. He can sign "more" "all done" and "help" and he is also catching on to PECS (picture exchange communication systems) to express his needs since he is non verbal at this time. So I think he and I are both feeling successful in that.

My anxiety has flared up again. I hate when this happens. Anxiety for me triggers other things, thoughts, and habits that I'd rather forget about... But...I suppose thats my body's way of saying I need to give it more love and attention. Today was actually my first appointment with a new counselor. The shitty thing is, is that she has taken over the office of my old counselor that passed away from cancer not too long ago. I knew I'd be in the same building but I was really hoping to not be in the same office. When she opened Kathy's old door all I could say was "shit". It was very odd walking in there again. I was honest with her and told her that it was tough being in the same room with her as I was with Kathy. Thankfully she has a great personality and I warmed up to her quickly. I used to judge myself for going to counseling, but now...I realize that I've been through a lot of really tough shit in my life, and to be the kind of person I want to be on a daily basis, to be the kind of professional I want to be, and to live the way I want to live...I just might have to drop in and talk to a counselor every once and I while. I mean shit...we all have issues...right? I haven't met a person alive that hasn't had something they've needed to process out with an objective person... So...as weird as it is being in that office again, I'm going to give it a shot.

Crys and I went camping last weekend up in Tahoe. It was really nice to get away. We went up friday and came back sunday. There is something really relaxing about staring into a fire on a cold black night. We took Pickle with us (the new dog) she was covered in sap after the first 10 minutes but she seemed to enjoy herself. I was ready to come home on sunday and take a shower but sad at the same time when we had to leave.

Crys just recently was informed that her position was going to be cut to half time. That has been a HUGE stressor. After two days of panicing she got news that there was probably going to be funding to keep her at full time, but we wont know until the end of the week. If she went to half time life as we know it would change drastically! Especially with me cutting back work so I can go back to school yet again... So...here's hoping that there's funding for her position.

My sister-in-laws baby shower is this weekend so I have to make the drive down to fresno on Friday to help my mom set up and cook for it. I really hate that drive. Two hours on the 99 is no fun. Plus spending the night there is always anxiety provoking. Especially now that she knows about Crys and a emanate argument is always just around the corner, but...this is for my sister in law and for my little niece that is going to enter the world soon...so Its worth it.

So...thats about it in a nut shell. I'm sure I could go on and on, but I will spare you my friends and readers. I'm sorry for not getting to your pages as often as I would like to but so much has been going on lately. I feel like I'm on a high wire without a net below me. I have very few friends with the mental and emotional maturity to talk to about this stuff, my family has pretty much dropped me since coming out, and Crys is very stressed about work, which leaves me very tired at the end of the day.

I truly hope you are all doing well, and please know that even thought I may not get to the pages I think about my blogger buddies on a daily basis.
Hugs to you all!

Requested

2009-05-24T16:04:00.000-07:00

In the past week I've gotten a few requests to drop a update on my blog. I didn't realize how long it had been since I had posted. But thank you to those of you who have checked in on my in between posts. It is much appreciated.

So...Whats new....let's see... Well...I'm going back to school again. Hahaha, yep I was accepted into the ABA program. I applied on a whim and didn't really expect to get in beings that most programs are impacted at the moment. But... I did, and Im going to do it. I guess I'm glutton for punishment. But... After a year off I'm ready for another round of education ;-) One can never have too much, eh?

As for the house hunting. Well...its ridiculous. Long story short... The house that I posted about a while ago was put back on the market. The selling bank pulled some shady shit and waited out the contract.. So...they put it back on the market as a "cash only" buy.... Well...it seems that no one has 150k to just throw at a house without financing, so.. the house went down in price by 7k and put back on the market for all to buy... I put another offer in on it with a clause in the contract that the selling bank had to pay up to 5k for any repairs needed to ensure it inspection ready. The bank came back with the notorious "Best and Final offer". I stayed with my offer, and now I'm just waiting to hear back... My realtor seems to think its going to hold and that after all this bullshit I'm going to get it...but I'm not keeping my hopes up. It would be funny though if after all of this, I got the house and for 7k less than my original offer. Would serve them right!

Crys and I got a puppy. Her name is Pickle. She is a petite, black, half terrier/half Chihuahua. Crys found her in the parking lot of her work. She is very sweet, but she has attachment issues, was a teen mother and its obvious that her previous owners mistreated her. She's lucky to have found a home with two MSW's. Hehehe. I thought my cat was going to eat her as a snack beings that "MooCow the cat" is a very large cat. Crys calls her Mancoon. But..they surprisingly get along pretty well. They are not friends by any means, but they haven't gotten into it at all in the 2 weeks we've had her. So...so far so good.

I played in a soccer tournament last weekend. My team seems to think I'm a good goalie because I'm not scared to get knocked down or to take other people out if they are in my way...so... I played the very stressful position of goalie for 6 games in 107 degree heat. It was not my most favorite weekend of the year I'll tell ya that! And to top it off, I dove for a ball, which I got and had control of...well the player on the other team didn't care and she purposely ran over me and my hand in the process with her cleats. Well... the old Jenn came out of me, and before I realized what I was doing I popped up and slammed her ass down to the grass. Got in her face and asked her "what the F did she think she was doing running me over after 3 seconds of me already having the ball" well of course we both got yellow carded and had to leave the game. But man it was worth it taking her down. I got off the field and onto the sidelines where I asked a teammate to help me take off my goalie gloves. Once I got my right glove off I realized something was wrong... My middle knuckle was half the size of a walnut shell and already purple and blue. The little witch broke my middle finger when she stomped on it and bruised the tendon in my wrist. Which make me even more happy that I slammed her ass to the ground after it all! I know... I know... I should have better self control...but come on! We're not teens anymore, we all have to go to work the next day, and there's no reason to intentionally jump on someones hand with cleats. So...now I'm doing my very hands on job with only 1 good hand. Not so easy when I'm working with the 2 and 3 year olds.....

Crys and I are trying to plan a trip up to Portland. (Donna you and I like to take turns, it seems when you go, I decide I need to go, and when I get back you seem to be taking a trip up there ;-)
We're going to try to camp in the Redwoods one night on the way up there and then 1 night on the way back. I really love that Crys likes to camp. Its one of my favorite things to do. Just get away for everything. Live very basically. No cell phones, no honking horns. Just roasted hot dogs, marshmallows, and the smell of dew in the morning. :-)

I think that's about it as far as the newest happenings in my life... Not very exciting and all tiring at the same time. I am definitely enjoying 3 full days off. I haven't had 3 days off in months! I normally work a Saturday morning case for a few house. Which means I work on average 5 1/2 days a week.

It was a beautiful day here in Sac. About 75 degrees with about 10 mph breeze. Gotta love the Delta Breeze! I played outside as long as my allergies would let me. :-)

So there you have it. A snap shot of my past month.

I hope you all had a very wonderful 3 day weekend as well. I'm going to eat a turkey burger and take some time to go through all of your pages.

Thanks again to all of you who checked in on me. Its always nice to be thought about!

Small Steps

2009-04-29T12:49:00.001-07:00

Just a small piece of late braking news for those who are passionate about, live with, or love someone who is effected by autism.

It is a little bitter sweet due to the fact that the answer is still missing, but proof that small steps will get you to great places with time and determination.

http://www.latimes.com/features/health/la-na-autism29-2009apr29,0,4441598.story

Hope this finds you all having a peaceful day.

So much to say!!!

2009-04-27T14:17:00.000-07:00

It has felt like forever since I"ve blogged anything worth typing. I've been on a bit of a "Self Pilgrimage" So many things have happened in the past 2 months that have really made me stop and re-evaluate...well...just about everything. So much that I can't even put it to words. While I was in the middle of this process it was very uncomfortable. I had to ask myself questions I didn't want to answer, I had to re-evaluate relationships/friendships. My own morals and ethics. How I want to deal with others morals and ethics. Rediscover my old strengths that I forgot about and found new ones along the way. It all sounds so wonderful doesn't it.... haha, well looking in the "mirror" for me has never been wonderful, but I can do it.

I cried. It had been so long since I'd had a good cry. I"m great at sucking them back and instead becoming internally angry. Well....that doesn't serve me anymore. So... now I let them fall. And it feels good. Maybe not at the time, but afterwards, there is a bit of peace. A kind of gift that I gave to myself...expression..

My easter went better than I expected. I drove the 200 miles down to my parents on that shitty freeway 99. Those who do not live in Cali wont understand it, but...it sucks. haha. My parents were perfectly fake. They danced around issues. They didn't ask any specific questions about Crys and I, though I shared a bit with them because that is my reality and I am their daughter. And the main reason for going down there....my 87 year old gram. I love that woman more than just about anything. I would do anything for her, all she's have to do is say in her Arkansas accent "Jenny, could you please......." and I'd drive down there and do it. No questions asked. (ohhh and she's the ONLY one allowed to call me Jenny. Not sure why, but she gets away with it. hehe) I asked her the night before easter if I could walk over (she lives across the street from my parents) and have coffee with her in the morning before she went to church. Of course she said yes, I asked her what time she'd like me over, and my jaw dropped when she said "well is 6 too early?" I replied "Of course not lady! You're my gram and I'll wake up at midnight to have coffee with you!" She laughed and gave me a hug, even though in my head I was thinking "Ohhh god 6 am, and I know I"m not going to be able to fall asleep until at least 2am". But I made it there on time! We had coffee, and she made me fried eggs and toast and bacon. Folks...... let me share something with you....haha I can not eat breakfast. It hurts my stomach. I normally drink a protein drink or something. But she started cooking and I was not about to complain. Even t hough I RARELY eat fried anything and really don't like bacon at all.... I sat there and ate that god awful fried egg, bacon, and toast and smiled. I went to the bathroom 20 min later and threw it up due to the richness of it all, but she didn't know and it was completely worth it to share that time with her. She does not know about Crys. Nor does she need to. She is 87 years old. A divot Southern Baptist, and would not at all understand or condone Crys and I. Our years together are limited, and I don't want them to be altered by something that she doesn't need to know about. My parents agree with me on this.
So...Easter weekend was smooth. And that feels really nice to say for once. :-) Every other year I was lying on why I had to go back that night, going outside to call crys, coming up with excuse after excuse as to why I didn't have a boyfriend. Definitely a nice change.

Ohhh and the weekend after that....well..... I GOT HITCHED. haha. well as hitched as I can be here in California. After a lot of work and counseling Crys and I have found each other again. How we were in the beginning. Life sort of made us lose track of why we loved each other so much. Well, we found it again and its stronger than ever. And since we are getting a house we wanted it to be legally binding that if something were to happen to the other no one (IE my family) could take the house from the other, or the belongings within the house. ) We didn't have a wedding, but documents were signed and notarized. So...we're as married as married can be. Hahaha though we've lived "married life" for the past 7 years....

As for the house...Well as my dear friend Donna said early on in the process "expect hangups!" Well....There has been a huge hang up for the past month. The bank doesn't want to pay the 1000 dollars its going to take to fix the electrical box for the house. The electrical box needs fixed so the power can be turned on for the inspection. So now...legal stuff is happening due to the fact that the vandalized power box was not disclosed before putting the offer in and I can't pay the 1000 myself because I don't own the house and can't make repairs until I do. So...after May 1st the bank can back out of the contract and offer it to cash only buyers. ....... :-( I really hope that doesn't end up happening. I'm trying to tell myself "there's a reason for everything"

So guys/gals. That's me in a nutshell right now. There's so much more...but you get the idea with this briefing. Ohhhhh 1 more huge things!!!! I'm going to be an aunt to a baby girl!!!! Hehe I knew it was going to be a girl. I'm stoked! :-D

Hope you all are doing well. I am so sorry I haven't been able to make it around as much as I would like to. Life is settling down a bit now, so hopefully I can do more "drop bys" :-)

So much to say, so little time!

2009-04-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

I have truly, truly missed my "blogger time." Things have been so busy around here that I just fall over when I get home. I sit there thinking "ohhh i really want to check in with so and so and see whats new" but then I realize I don't have the energy to properly give to the page when I sit to read it.
I'm hoping that my half day today will lend a little extra time to sit down and check in. That is...if I don't steal that time to grab my golf clubs and enjoy the beautiful day that Sac is going to have!

Hope you all are doing well. I miss you all and have so much to tell you!!! But....I have to go to work, so...It will have to wait.

Sending my best wishes to you all!

A few things about me

2009-04-02T07:48:00.001-07:00

Hey guys, I know I haven't been around much lately but don't think you all haven't been in my daily thoughts. And those of you that I am in contact with in my my 3-d life....well you know this because I contact you to let you know you're being thought about.

Things are busy but good. Things with Crys are coming back together. Counseling does wonders for communication! ;-) As my dear blog pal donna predicted...there have been some small to moderate hangups in the closing of my house. So...it looks like I wont be closing escrow until 2 weeks after the original closing date.... which means higher closing coasts... ugggg. Ohhh well...tis life I suppose.

I really just wanted to leave a note to let you all know that I'm alive, and think about each of you. Many say that, but those who really know me know that I really do take time out of my day to send love out to those in my life, both close and far away.

Ok... so now I'm jamming off to my 10 hour day of autism filled fun, but before I do, I'll leave you with a few things you might not know about me.

Have a good day all.

1) I normally wake up in a good mood.

2) I don't believe in ghosts but I like watching Ghost Hunters on sci fi to laugh at the silliness of them scaring eachother in the dark.

3) I like watching surgeries on tv

4) I plan on addopting

5) I know mixed martial arts

6) My favorite color is purple

7) I tell my parents that I love them every time we talk no matter what

8) I pop my fingers

9) I've broken my nose twice

10) my favorite Ben and Jerry's is Chocolate fudge Brownie fro yo.

Ok, so there's a few silly things about me. I would love to hear any interesting tid bits about you that you'd like to share. :-)

Be Well My Friends

Would you like to come in?

2009-03-23T08:58:00.000-07:00

Ok.... So this is a small tour of my newest purchase. The camera work is HORRIBLE!!! haha so sorry... I'm a social worker not a camera man... And at the end...well..... for some reason my camera is sideways...LOL...not sure why, so sorry about the Blair Witch copycat.

Its not huge, its not perfect, it needs some love and attention both inside and out, but the price was a steal and its MINE!

Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers through all this guys. It was a huge step in my life..
Nearly 30. Masters Graduate. Full time job, and my own house! I think I'm doin ok...

I finally got a freakin house!!!

2009-03-19T07:20:00.000-07:00

Its been a very long stretch of time since I've gotten any exciting news. Well yesterday that stretch broke! I got a house! The bank moved so fast on my offer I'm still in shock. The house went on the market one day, I put an offer in on it the very next day, a week later I'm going into escrow!

Its a smaller house. 3 bed 2 bath. Bamboo flooring, huge back yard. Nice neighborhood, and somehow I found one near the river!!!! Woo Hoo! I can still float during the summer. I never would have thought that at nearly 30 I would have a river front home... Wow....I feel blessed in this moment.
Its definitely going to need a little love but its totally ready to move into. The kitchen needs updating. (which my blogger friend Carrie is a pro at designing tile back splashes ;-) It needs new paint. And I think Spiky is sassy enough to offer some fun advice on colors. Donna...I think I remember you saying you were good at landscaping ideas? Heehee, and anyone else who has a knack for decoration and remodling... I'm sure I will have questions that will require many opinions.

I have one very bad picture I've taken of it so far. It was taken with my cell phone. So its not the best, plus I had to take it sideways to be able to get the whole house.

Just a small update for anyone who still drops by. :-) It is totally welcomed news.

http://pictures.sprintpcs.com/share.do?invite=jE4r2K8Jh5hFY73kUaTU&shareName=MMS&messageState=RETRIEVED <---------- site where a picture is available from my camera phone

Long Time No Post

2009-03-12T07:47:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys/mostly Gals,
Its been a while since I've posted. A long time blogger pal, Donna :-) , reminded me of that via email a few days ago, so I thought I'd use my available time today to post.
When I start to type I freeze. Its odd. Its almost like I don't want to go into it or allow anything to slip out because the emotions of it all are so tightly and haphazardly balanced that any change could make it all tumble.
The excitement of buying my first home is wearing off big time. I've put in 3 different offers on 3 different houses, all of which had no prior offers other than mine and at the last minute a counter offer is made against mine and the house is gone. A new offer was just put in on a cute 3 bed 2 bath, big back yard but smaller house. Only 1100 sq ft... but 2400ft with the yard. Bamboo flooring, but needs updates big time in the kitchen. And...its in a nice neighborhood but to get to that neighborhood you have to pass through what I like to call "The gates of Crack Alley" hehe. It really is the hood. People obviously selling crack on bikes. Shady cats peekin in parked cars and talking to random people. But then 4 blocks down it looks like the Brady Bunch's neighborhood. So...I'm not getting my hopes up, but it would be nice to finally get somewhere in this process. I didn't expect to encounter so much resistance in this house buying market.

I'm having some health issues. Thats making everything else kinda tough. Without energy its hard to get things done. So, once the problem is figured out I"m sure I'll post about it.

Crys has snuck her way back into my heart. Thought I don't think I ever really kicked her out. Its been a really tough process thats for sure. Being mature about things is not always easy! haha. And I've found that humble pie tastes better with some pepto ;-)

I really want to be more in depth with things in this post. I don't know whats stopping me. I want to purge alot of things. But I can't..and I'm not sure why. I'm normally quite good at it...hehe.

I hope to make it to each of your pages today and catch up on how you've been.
Thanks for the Check in Donna!

Prayers and Best Wishes are Needed

2009-02-18T14:29:00.001-08:00

There is a small little family that I have recently been introduced to by OHN, a blogger pal of mine. This has changed my world recently. It has brought me back down to earth and has forced me to really re-evaluate the petty shit I think about on a daily basis.

This family is so beautiful, so loving, and facing so much right now. I know many of you are prayers as am I. I also know that many of you are energy senders and well wishers. Whatever you happen to be, please visit this site...read a little bit, and leave your prayers and love.

http://gavinowens.blogspot.com/

Thank You

New Offer

2009-02-16T15:43:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I haven't heard back on what the status is on the home I'm in a bidding war with so I've put that on the back burner and focused my sights on a very cute 4 bed 2 bath home that needs NO work before moving into it (If I get it I will put lamenate flooring in and rip up the carpet thats really all that needs to be done, and paint of course), is for the great price of 135, and is a short sale. From what I hear short sales can be complicated but for that price and what I'm getting with it, its worth cutting a little red tape for. If I got it a little over 135 my mortgage payment would only be 1030! You can't beat that! Most of the houses in that area are going for the upper 180's but since its a short sale, and needs a few very minor updates the price is lower.

This home has more of a cozy charm to it, where the other home I thought had a lot of potential to have a very cute bohemian modern look to it. Funny how houses have their own personalities...

As for my valentines day...well, it was interesting. I will blog on it later. As for now I'm going to make some sort of spicy broth concoction to blast out this fluish head cold I have and watch Ellen! :-)

I hope you all find a moment to dance today. Let Ellen inspire you!!!!

Well....

2009-02-12T09:50:00.000-08:00

Well it figures...After a year of being on the market the exact time I put in my offer for the house, someone else did too... I found out last night that I'm in a bidding war with someone. Unfortunately for me, I do not want to offer anymore on this house than I already have. It needs a good amount of work done on it, and I'm trying to stay realistic about it all. It would be easy for me to get wrapped up in needing a new living arrangement and really wanting this house, but I can't. I have to stay mature, responsible, and adult about it...unfortunately. If I'm meant to have this house...then I will get it. It sucks to say that...but I believe it to be true. And if not...well...the search will continue.

Am I still standing?

2009-02-02T11:02:00.000-08:00

It feels like I'm in a never ending mirage of tough times, stress, and bad news. I'm not going to lie, its really taking its toll on me. Many of you may remember a post I wrote a few months back when I got the news that the counselor I was seeing, a woman who gave me my legs back and taught me so much about myself and my strengths, had terminal ovarian cancer. Well this morning I found out she passed away 2 days ago. Being in the social work field and knowing many counselors and social workers news spreads quickly when a colleague and friend passes.

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I drove to my clients house this morning. I thought of all the inspirational moments she gave to me, all of the tears she watched me shed and even shed with me, the kindness she taught me how to show myself... If it wasn't for this woman giving me the skills or showing me that I had the skills, I'm not sure I would have come out to my parents yet or as successfully as I did. There are not many people in this world who can show you that your own strengths are enough in life, and Kathy was one of those people. My whole life I lived believing I wasn't enough or that I wasn't strong enough for the life I wanted to lead, but somehow Kathy had the gift of reflection. She was able to show me my individual strengths, how I use them, and the potential they had if I used them to the best of my ability.

There's a image that keeps popping up in my head. Its disturbing and I haven't quite figured out what to make of it. The image is of me in a very large, very bright, white room, with no doors, no windows, and no one else but me standing in the abyss of the room. Just standing there.....

I put in an offer

2009-01-27T09:45:00.000-08:00

Ok, so most of you know that my life is upside down right now... Luckily my life has prepared me to be a great breath holder.... and I know that sooner or later there will be a break in the ice for me to pop up and breath again.

I'm not going to lie, right now is an extremely lonely and sad time for me. So many changes and realizations have happened since October. So many that I'm not even sure how to think. I've lost my faith in people for the most part. Definitely lost my faith in friends, I've lost faith in my family, and lost faith in myself. (now would be the part where I jot down a very angry vent, but whats the point?)

So, I'm doing the only thing I know how to do, and that's just keep on keepin on. I hate that i'm like this sometimes. But thats how I'm wired. I just keep on keepin on. Even when I say I give up, I really haven't.. I wish I could, but I can't. I just develop another callas and take another step.

So Right now the search for a house has come to a head. There's one that has tons of potential, very cute neighborhood. 3 b 2 bath, wood floors, across from a park.. It needs a lot of love, paint, and elbow grease, but It could potentially be a very cute house.

It will need to be totally re-landscaped. Repainted, I'll need to retile one of the bathrooms and add pergo flooring to it (theres ugly linoleum in it right now) but it could potentially be home and feel like home with enough work.

So we'll see what happens. I'm offering 10 g less than what the bank is asking for just because one of the bathrooms needs a lot of work to it. It looks like someone got pissed off before getting kicked out and took a sledge hammer to the bathroom..... :-( And there are other small things that need to be fixed that I don't want to pay for. So...here's hoping the bank accepts my offer...

I feel very tired, very down, and very week now my friends. So any prayers and positive thoughts you can muster up and send my way would be greatly appreciated. I don't ask for them often, but right now they are needed.

I Have A Dream

2009-01-19T17:19:00.000-08:00

Dr. King was a man before his time. Every time I hear those four little words I get chills down my arms. Those words are all inclusive. They speak for us all. We all dream. We all hope. We all strive. Yes at different degrees and with different strides, but at the end of the day we all dream.

I've always been one to dream big. I think I will be one of those who dream big there whole life, even if it exhaust me. And dreaming like I dream can be very tiring but I can't stop, because my dreams have kept me going. The only person that can stop me is myself. Ohhh and I'm good at it, hehe, but, I'm trying to learn how to suck at it ;-)

I remember deciding at the age of 5, and betting my brother 1 million dollars (lets hope he's forgotten about that bet!) that I was going to grow up to be a lawyer because I wanted to help people receive justice. Then at 10 I decided I wanted to be a teacher..because I wanted to help people learn. At 15 I had dreams of being a veterinarian because I was a farm girl and loved animals.....and look where all of those dreams lead me... hehehe to be a well rounded social worker.

So with all of that rambling, what could possibly come next........ YES!!!!! Jade's "I have a dream speech!"

I have a dream,
I have a dream that all in this world had food enough to eat,
I have a dream,
I have a dream that we all learn to love ourselves as much as we allow ourselves to love others,
I have a dream,
I have a dream that our youth get out of the mess that they are in and focus on what is real and lasting, not what is a temporary fad.
I have a dream,
I have a dream that one day I will feel as though I'm getting as much out of the relationships I have as I put in,
I have a dream,
I have a dream that people in the world practice self love instead of self hate,
I have a dream,
I have a dream that one day I will no longer think of my past as a black period in my life but instead be proud of my survival and perseverance,
I have a dream,
I have a dream that when each of us in this world focus on the night sky, and on that ONE particular star that catches our eye, that we feel loved and connected to the earth and those around,
I have a dream,
I have a dream that we all take responsibility for our lives and how we live.

I have a dream.

So...there are my dreams for this time in my life. Many are unattainable, many are in motion, and many are close to being achieved. But dreaming like this can be tough. Depressing even due to the lack of control in the situation. All I can do is love. Love so much and so deeply that it becomes contagious and that there would be no choice but for all of my dreams to come true!

So, those are my dreams. What do you dream about?

New Blog

2009-01-14T14:19:00.000-08:00

Hey All. You'll have to excuse me during this time of transition both in life and on blogger. Things are a bit confusing in my life right now. My blog reflects this. I just now figured out how to check my moderated posts. So I apologize for not having them up on my blog.

I know many of you have asked to read the bold blend blog. There are a few things I'd like to say about that before I go on. The bold blend is something I'm giving myself to process anything and everything that I feel or am going through. The mixed up thoughts of Jade blog was more of a beginning process for me. It taught me sooooo many things, but unfortunately it also taught me that there is no such thing and real freedom. I am someone who processes quite a bit through writing. I've always been that way. I also enjoy the relationships I've been able to build through this form of expression. But I've always held back. Probably due to fear or rejection, ridicule, and over all judgment. Same reason why I assume most people to live open book lifestyles. I feel as though I'm at a point in my life where I really and truly need to express, explore, and process. I want to be able to do this without judgment and without rules.
You can probably expect some crudeness, a few four letter words, moodiness, insain laughter, topics sexual in nature, tears, pictures, contrivercial stories and anything else that I normally sensor out of this blog.

So with that said, if you really want to read Blod Blend please let me know again. And if you're ok with reading Jade that works too. I will still be posting on it.

Sharing a smile

2009-01-14T12:07:00.000-08:00

So this little bun in my niece or nephew. :-) my sister in law just sent me this. Its already got my brothers giant head! Hehe..

This is definitely a nice gift for the day. Just thought I'd share it, haha though it probably doesn't mean as much to you all..

Be well!

Open Again

2009-01-11T20:29:00.000-08:00

So after much thought I've come to a conclusion about my blogger stuff. I've decided to create two blogs. One for those who just want to know about my adventures, general info and life, and then a deeper blog "the bold blend" in which I will actually process and journal about my life. I noticed that I started to blend them and maybe that's not the best idea. So, those that want to know me deeper will contact to view this blog, and those who are fine with reading the more basic stuff on Jade can continue to read from this blog. Either way, I still very much care about you all and will check in on each of you as I always have. I just had to create some structure for my life's information.

Hope this finds you all doing well!

2009-01-05T14:20:00.000-08:00

Just something I thought I would put out there. Its something that can not be slammed, manipulated or feel insulted by. Hopefully it will sprout a thought or two with you all.

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its
dedicated staff, he offered a question:
'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.
Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.

Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'
Then he told the following story:
Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.
I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'
Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.
In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.
Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the
plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would now be over.
The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.
Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.
Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!
Run to first!'
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'
Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.
By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.
He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.
Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.
All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'
Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!

Shay, run to third!'
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team
'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.
Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!
AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:
We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate.
The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.
If you're thinking about forwarding this message or sending the link to others, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.
We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.'So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:
Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?
A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

What People Think They Know

2009-01-03T18:01:00.000-08:00

I will Be Shutting My Blog Down for a bit Starting the Night of 1/4/09.
I wanted to leave this post because I do not have all of your emails to invite you to read privately. So if you would still like to view my blog please email me your email addy so I can add you to the view list. Because I am going private for a while until I can sort things out.

The incredibly creepy efforts of a reader of my blog to try to cause destruction to my life has not worked. I'm sorry.

The thing with blogging is this. On my blog...most of it is superficial. You really have to take the time to get to know me to know who I am, what I'm about, what I stand for, and what I have going on in my life. Sure, you might get a vague idea of that stuff by reading, but vague is nothing in the grand scheme of life.

People don't realize the damage they can do when they know nothing of a situation other than superficial information.

I can say that there are about 3-4 people that read my blog and whom I correspond with on a regular basis off of "blogger" that I feel know who I am, where my heart is, what my intentions are, what I strive to be. Those are the people that have made efforts to stay connected with me and want to know me for me on a deeper level than what I put on blogger.

I have a lot to think about right now...I have been incredibly hurt by blogger who at this point I'm not sure of their identity and I'm not sure I want to know. I don't know exactly what to do about it. Blogger has been such a wonderful outlet for me to explore myself, my thoughts, beliefs, people and the world. But...I don't feel safe sharing at the moment. Yes, I could regulate who comes to read me, and passwords and trackers and all of that, but that is not how I want to communicate to the world. So...until I find the security in my heart and mind to come back to write, I will for the time being just be checking in on you all. I will not be posting myself because someone thought they knew more than they really did...

Never go on what you perceive , go on what you actually know. Life is not a one story house, so check all the rooms ;-)

Like I said I will still be coming by your pages. I care about you guys. There is someone amongst blogger has taken the time, thought and effort to do something so very frivolously that there is no way this person can say they respect me, my life, my privacy, or my emotions. Feel free to email me. But for now, I will not be posting, just checking in and replying.

GoodBye 08!

2008-12-31T08:39:00.000-08:00

Hey all. First off let me say that I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and I also hope that 09 brings you all what you strive for. My Christmas actually went fine. My parents were very good actors in front of the rest of the family. They deserve an Academy Award...really. But it was smooth which is all I wanted. In the absence of family my mom tried to pick the occasional fight but I would not engage so...you can't really fight with someone if they don't fight back. I received some wonderful gifts. I new digital camera (so I'll have better pictures to post now) MAC make-up gift certificates. A digital picture frame, a heavy bag stand for my punching bag so that stupid upstairs neighbor guy can't bitch about my chains rattling his wood and... best of all!!!! I was given the news that I am going to be a Aunt for the first time!! YAY. My brother and sister in law are expecting their first child in August. I can not describe the feeling that flooded my body when I heard that my brother was gonna be a dad. It still is deeply emotional for me to think about. And I get to be a aunt! I already love this child and its not here yet! All the things I will teach it, and the love I will give it, and the support it can come to me for. Ohhhh yay! And I just can't stop wondering what my brothers children are going to look like. :-) They will be beautiful. My brother is a good looking man with great features and my sister in law is cute as well so it will no doubt be a perfect child ;-) I wish I could say that my Christmas with Crys went as smoothly as everything else. In fact that is what has me down. And I will try to make this long story as short as I can....... Crys went to Oregon to be with her parents for Christmas. She didn't get home until the Saturday after Christmas. I am/was desperately trying to revive my relationship with her, bring freshness, love, passion, excitement back into things. So I devised a plan. While she was gone I went ring shopping. Ok.... here's the deal in case you didn't know....Social Workers even with masters degrees don't make that much money until they put in their dues... So.. with that said I was on a fairly small budget for the ring I was going to get her. But the size wasn't the point for me. It was more the meaning, the thought, and the fun it would be getting it. Well... I was wrong in thinking that way. I went and bought a gold band. It was a 2mm in width band.... just a simple feminine band but I was going to inscribe the inside of it after I gave it to her. So I was all excited because I was buying this ring for her to show her that I'm still willing to fight for us. So I get home Friday afternoon from getting the ring. I typed up a sort of map type thing for her to find the ring. I put a note in her stocking that said "Go look under your pillow" Then the note under her pillow said "Now go find the book on the bookshelf that speaks of love" then there was a card in the book that I had written in and on the bottom it said "Now go into the living room" when she walked out into the living room I had lit candles while she was gathering notes and was standing there with the ring box in my hand. She smiled at me and said "What are you doing" I replied "trying to show you that I love you" I stepped towards her and handed her the box. She smile and started opening it. She got to the box.. my heart was beating so fast.. she opened the box and just stared. I just stood there. She looked at me, then the ring, then me, then the ring. I finally just said..."ummm is it ok?" At which point she said "Well its kinda small Jenn" my jaw dropped and my heart sank. She followed her statement with "and what finger do I wear it on? (I bought it to fit a ring finger) Obviously a size 5 isn't going to be a thumb ring... So I stood there, I couldn't get words to come out of my mouth. She just looked at it and kept remarking on how small it was. I felt the tears building up. It felt like they were coming from my toes there seemed to be so much force behind them. Before the tears fell I calmly took the box and ring and told her I will take it back and get her a 4 mm ring instead. The gift was lost. She didn't see it. The gift wasn't the ring, it was the love, the thought, the effort and the sacrifice it took to make that moment possible and it was lost. She didn't fight me about taking the ring back for a larger one. She did say once "Ohh but you can't afford it" but that's as far as it went. Since Saturday she has been very hard to be around. She is being rude, isolating, and impossible to please. Yesterday was tough. A case of mine ended early yesterday morning so I came home in between cases. Well I guess Crys came home for lunch a little early just to get some quiet (she's been needing a lot of quiet lately) well...apparently it pissed her off that I came home and she just started getting snippy with me as soon as I walked through the door. So....I grabbed my gym bag and left. It was at this point my feelings were so hurt by her, I was so frustrated, and also concerned that she needed time alone and couldn't get it (I know how that can feel and its not comfortable) so I called her and told her that I was going to stay at a friends for the night so that she could have some time by herself to unwind. She didn't argue. So...I made plans to go up and stay with my wonderfully wonderful friend Heidi (also a blogger) for the night. Crys then called and said she wanted to talk when she got home.. I said ok and thanked my dear friend for offering to lodge me for the night but that I was going to try to talk things out with Crys. Crys gets home and decides that she doesn't feel like talking. At this point its dark and I didn't want to drive in the fog for 70 miles to get to H's so I called my friend Jessica and asked to crash there. She lives in Sac so it was a safer option even though I would have rather gone to H's this was the safer choice. It was a surreal moment laying on Jessica's couch with my pillow and sleeping bag, staring at her ceiling and thinking about the past 72 hours and how nothing went the way I thought it would. I was woken up this morning at 5 am by mid town traffic whizzing down the street (So glad I don't live in mid town or down town its so loud) Jess is headed to Tahoe this morning so I gathered my stuff, hugged her and thanked her for letting me crash there and wished her a happy and safe new years. As for tonight....well...Its up in the air. I don't know what I'll be doing. I'm pretty sure there will be no partying, probably no giggles, or rejoicing. What I do know is this, time will keep passing. A new year is coming even when it feels like my world has come to a slow halt. I am off today, and Crys is at work, and though I am running on about 5 hours sleep I'm oddly fidgety, could be anxiety... but I'm going to try to do some self care today to help myself during these challenging spots in life.
Jenns Self Love To Do List 1) Blog (check!) 2) Go to the Gym (Will do after blogging) 3) Take a long hot bath 4) Curl up on the couch and watch I love Lucy (Hehe I love that show) 5) Play my guitar I think thats a pretty good list. Should take me the rest of the day to complete ;-) Thank you all for being with me the past year and for many of you that have known me for a while thank you for being with me for the past YEARS! You are a wonderful group of women AND a few men ;-) The gift of friendship and support you give me is priceless and I thank you for it. I hope you all have a very safe, happy, and smile filled New Years!

Just a post

2008-12-28T17:47:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am the Grinch

2008-12-22T08:47:00.000-08:00

I hate to admit it, but I am looking forward to this week being over with. I'm ready to put Christmas, Thanksgiving, and all of 2008 behind me. I really shouldn't complain. It has been a pretty fair year. I graduated, I've meet some wonderful new people, I've learned a lot about myself in many areas of life, I was able to let go of nearly life long secret and I got a new car. But for some reason I'm just so ready to leave it all in the past. Now of course I'll take with me the wonderful things that happened, such as the new people I've met and developed relationships with, and the car, and the fact that I threw myself out of the closet ;-) But I' m really eager to let everything else go and see what I can do with a new year. For some reason I never feel like I've been successful during the year. 2008 for instance.... I don't really feel like I did anything. Almost like I wasted a perfectly good year doing.....what? Working out, eating, working out, cocktailing, going to work, fighting with Crys, working out, going to work.... Where's the success? Where's the part where I help man kind? I think during my year I get fogged over and forget my goals. So here's hoping I live 2009 with clear vision!

As far as Christmas...well I'm treating it like a social experiment. Yes, when things get tough or uncomfortable for me I normally try to get scientific about it. Figure out why things are the way they are, what the antecedence, behavior and consequences are and then try to change the outcome the next time. I guess it helps to remove me emotionally. LOL Yes when the going get tough use your 10 years of college to help figure things out! lololol.

I'm driving down there Wed morning. I guess there's going to be a thing at my parents house on Christmas eve and then something at my prejudice, racist, ignorant dad's side of the family. You're always guaranteed to hear at least 3 racist names being called out, several things about fags, queers, dykes, homo's etc. And the TV will be way too loud when we eat. Because lord knows that family can not have a meal without the TV on... Then they might actually have to pay attention to each other...
Sooooo I'm staying the night there for the first time since dropping the L bomb and my brother will not be there to help if my parents come down on me. I'm a little nervous, but at the same time I say Bring It On. Even if I'm not with Crys forever, I know that this is how I'm wired. It doesn't makes sense to my brain to think any other way, so...if I get another bible thrown at me, so be it...

Crys is flying up to Oregon tomorrow to spend the week with her family. She was going to try to drive... I'm glad she scrapped that silly idea. There is 3 feet of snow over the pass! So I'm really glad that she'll be with her family on Christmas. I think this is the first year since moving to CA that she's gone back to spend Christmas with them, so...that will be good for her.

As for me...I'm going to serve my 48 hour sentence with my parents like a soldier. I'm going to be strong, I will help cook, I will not engage in arguments, and I will try to keep in mind all of the wonderful things my family exhibits and not their horrendous characteristics.

To all of you out there in blogger land. It has been a wonderful year with you all! I have made several new, and wonderful people this year through blogger. You are a wonderful group of friends and you all teach me so much and bring so much insight into my life. I know that the end of the year/ beginning of a new year can be a nerve wrenching, anxiety provoking time for many. I just want to send you all my very best wishes for this holiday season. May your Christmas be full of smiles and warmth in your heart and may 2009 bring you success, peace, and clarity.

Love to you all!

Chaa Ya Know What....

2008-12-15T09:21:00.000-08:00

Ahhh a weekend that went by way too fast!!!

<---- This is my favorite moment of the past weekend!! It all went by WAY too fast! Saturday was a blur. I woke up at 7am to get to a case I begrudgingly picked on up Saturday mornings at 9am...Don't ask me why I agreed to it... So...anywho that makes my schedule a 6 day work week. I have cases from Monday-Saturday. No wonder my weekends fly by, I only have 1 and a half days days off without seeing clients. My case went fine and then right after it I took off to get my hair cut. Its not as short as I wanted it but its cute for now. But I am sooooo In love with Heidi's hair! That's what I wanted my hair to look like! So...I go get my hair cut... Its ok. I still haven't figured out what to do with it.. RIGHT after that I go My friend J's. She had called me earlier in the day and asked if I had time to come over and chat. So going on my 8th hour of the day I head over to J's house. We have some serious talk time, some bullshitting, and some teasing. After a few hours there I leave her with a tight hug and I'm off, back home 11 hours into the day. I decided to go home and take a bath with green tea salts. It was wonderful. I nearly fell asleep in it. I was so excited to see my friend Heidi the next day (Lauren, also a blogger) I had trouble sleeping. Sunday came and I was ready to go! Even though it was cold, windy, and rainy. I was up, trying to do something cute with my hair...I wasn't so successful...but ohhh well. She loves me anyways. I headed out. We only live an hour apart but that hour took forever. I got to her around noonish. She ran to my car as I pulled up, I jumped out and hugged her so tightly. I almost didn't want to let go it was so nice to see her. We giggle immediately and start our day together.

I had such a good time. We talked, and talked, and talked, I think we talked about a little bit of everything under the sun. Almost as if we were really making use of the face to face time we had with each other. She is such an easy person to talk to. I love it. ( You are H!) I feel like we could talk about anything and either laugh or cry about it but feel ok either way. Its hard to come across people like that.
She was super brave and tried Indian red curry. I was so proud of her, even though its SOOO yummy then we sat around drinking coffee, people watching and smoking. Not very productive but wonderful!! We also made it to Target where we walked aimlessly through the store talking more than shopping and trying on hats and laughing :-) And when 7pm rolled around I was bummed. I was not ready to say goodbye to my friend. I squeezed her again several times and headed off into the rain and wind.

It all went by so fast!!! And now... In two hours I have a meeting with some parents and then right after that I have a case until 6:30pm. I want my Sunday back!

Hope you all had a wonderfully peaceful weekend and I hope you have a great up coming week!

12:41am and I can't sleep

2008-12-11T00:38:00.000-08:00

Yes...I will be up at about 6ish even thought I don't really have to up until 7am because that's what time Crys gets up and she is very loud in the morning. I am having a hard time sleeping right now. I have a lot on my mind. A lot of work stuff. I have a new client that I just got in replacement of the one I lost. He is SOOOOOOO CUTE!!! Ohhh my gosh...I will so just take him home. :-) He is 2 and a half and Vietnamese. We bonded quickly. But I have never worked with a child so young and for the first time I have to come up with quarterly performance goal for him. Wow... that's kinda big! 5 year olds are developed enough to determine obtainable goals, but a two year old? Wow...
I also have a friend on my mind. I'm going to be driving over to see her this Sunday. She is going through a lot right now and I'm trying to figure out how to be the best friend possible when I see her Because I love her!!!! She is a very beautiful person and deserves good friends right now, I hope I can be that for her.(she's a blog friend of a few years ;-)

I also hate to admit it but recent blog replies I've received have gotten to me. It sucks but I do question myself when this happens. I don't know if that's something that is natural when you're challenged on your expressions or a sign of insecurity.... But its got me thinking none the less... and one of my favorite blogger/chat friends of several years is a ANON blogger for good reasons and I do not want to block her by blocking ANON posters. I will just go on about my ways and erase the nasty that finds its way to me and welcome those that wanna share.
Ok....well now its 1 am...I guess I will go stare at the tv until I fall asleep. Hopefully Soon! Gotta long day tomorrow..

Peace to you all

So I'm back

2008-12-07T20:12:00.000-08:00

It is now.... 8:15pm on Sunday night. I have spent 30 out of the last 86 hours in the car and my nerves are warn super thin.... BUT!!!! I got a cute cozy hat on my trip! :-) hehehe Its knitted on the outside and fleece on the inside. So warm and cozy...

Everything went fine on the trip. We got there safe, we went to the "family Christmas party" which was a 4 hour trip from Portland there and then a 4 hour trip back. Get ready folks! I'm about to lay it all out there! heheh

Let me start by saying this...I have known Crys's parents now for about.... meh..... 5 years. I have been a passenger in their car SEVERAL times, every single time I am a passenger in their car her Dad drives. Now keep in mind... I am a fairly social person..I went to high school and road in the car with friends just learning how to drive....I went to college and was stupid enough to get into cars with drunk drivers....I even taught my best friend how to drive for the very first time!!!! And I can honestly tell you that Crys's dad is by far the WORST driver I have ever encountered in my life! I' m not kidding. My heart rate drasticly increases when I find out I have to ride in a car with him. My mouth gets all dry and I start to bite my nails. lol I'm not kidding...sadly

So we take off on our 4 hour car ride from Crys's parents house to the coast of Oregon where the party is being held. Her dad is driving... The 5 year old Nephew that I have personally diagnosed with ADHD in the middle back, Crys's sister in law back there with him ( I love her, she's a hoot and looks like Wynonna Judd lol) me, Crys, her niece ( She's a sweetheart and I love her but she breaths through her mouth when she's tired and it sounds like a peekanees lol) Crys's mom(which I love) and....as I mentioned before her father...the DRIVER... ( Totally ADHD, does not subscribe to social cues, interrupts conversations, and gives false "facts". He's a man with a great heart but drives me nuts!)
Ok... So long story short.... it was 4 hours of car jerking, side of the road gocking, speeding up and slowing down, squealing through the curves going through the mountains, car sickness, and whining from the niece and nephew. My eye was twitching by the time I stepped onto the dirt.

Ok so keep in mind I have not met at least half of the family members I'm getting ready to walk in front of. So... I walk in Crys starts hugging everyone that walks up to her...ok...normal response...but leaves me standing there! Alone! No... "ohhh this is my partner Jenn"... or "Ohhh Aunt blah blah this is Jenn the one you've heard about" Just left me standing there...lol so........! I sack up and start introducing myself. Not the most comfortable thing in the world, but I think I walked away from the whole experience with a little more confidence in myself. I think I might have been with Crys 30 minutes out of the 4 hours we were at that party. The rest of the time I was on my own. In a house half full of people I didn't know, many I learned after the party didn't know that Crys had a girlfriend....hmmmm.....
Thank god for Crys's sister in law!!! I love her. And....I hate supporting bad habbits, but thank god she likes to smoke! whoooo hooo! That gave me at least 5 minutes away from the anxiety and tension from out of about every 45 minutes. Blahhhh... she smokes Marbs. ultra lights....but...at least it got me out of the house!

The drive back....well...started off good. While out smoking with Crys's sister in law I begged her to drive back instead of Crys's dad. Hehe, she said she got car sick too on the ride up and agreed to suggesting it to him. Luckily he ate a lot at the party, got sleepy and agreed, so Jodi drove back...half way that is. One of the little ones had to pee half way home. We stopped and took them in at which point Crys's dad said he wanted to drive the rest of the way. I was soooo pissed when I heard that! lol

So..everything is fine. The kids are watching a movie in the car. I'm stuck in the middle of a bench seat at night with my sunglasses on because the kids movie screen was a foot in front of my face screen shining in my eyes, when all of a sudden the car starts moving over to the right. At that time we were on the freeway in the far left lane going....meh....around 65. The car goes into the next lane. I'm thinkin "ok he just wanted to change lanes" then the car keeps going. Thank god there were no cars around us at the time...the car keeps increasing in the angle at which it is merging lanes.....Finally crys's mom realized crys's dad fell asleep at the wheel and was not driving the freakin car!!! She shook his shoulder, he jerked the car back and forth, and regained control of the car. I can not even describe in words the anger that rushed through my body when I realized what had happened. I was sooooo mad... Hehehe I was so mad that I had to stick 5 pieces of gum in my mouth to stop myself from poppin of in the car. LOLOLOL Laugh...I'm serious!

Needless to say, I have no nails now. I had a beautiful set of nails before the trip, now I have nubs....

Another long story short the 9 Hr car ride from Portland Oregon back to Sacramento did not go too smoothly either. Hee hee, there was a lot of not respecting the small bladder, criticising of loading style, and picking on driving. I'm sure you've all been there...

So. Anywho..I'm back, safe, and tired. I was a little bummed that it started snowing on our way out and that I didn't get a chance to make my 2008 snow angel :-( ohhh well...

Hope this finds you all having a very peaceful day. Don't forget to share a smile with someone today!

Oregon

2008-12-05T09:46:00.000-08:00

Well we made it to the pacific northwest safely. It took us 8 hours but we made it. All of my predictions from the previous post came true. Several times I nipped at Crys for riding asses on the freeway, and one time I nearly peed on her seat. BUUUUT...we made it.

Its damn cold here! Now keep in mind, I'm a California kid, so this 40 degree weather is not my cup of tea! If its gonna be this cold, it needs to snow so I can strap a board to my feet!

When we arrived I was rushed by Crys's 7 year old nephew that has always and forever had a crush on me. Ever since he was a toddler and I came into the family he has aways gravitated towards me, always wanted on my lap, always wanted squeezes, kisses, or any sort of attention from me. So when he saw me get out of the truck yesterday he rushed me, except this time with more mass behind him. He nearly knocked me back into the car! "Auntie Jenn!!! Auntie Jenn!!!!" BOOOOM! lol thats about how it went.

I love this house. Its so predictable. Maybe thats why I love it. I can predict everything that will happen while I'm here unlike going and visiting my own family. Like I knew I was going to wake up this morning and find that Crys's dad had made our coffee for the morning. We HATE when he does this. First of all....he drinks Folgers coffee....(sorry if you like this brand...but I'd rather drink dirt water...) Secondly....when he makes it....its slightly coffee flavored water. Hehe, now this mama needs a strong cup of coffee in the morning!!! This coffee flavored water isn't gonna cut it. But...I politely and begrudgingly drink the cup he pours me, wait until he goes to work, and then sneak into my secret Pete's coffee stash that I keep here in their freezer for when I visit and make myself a strong cup of Joe. Yes it annoys me when someone messes up my morning routine, but this is predictable, I know its going to happen, I know her dad is making the coffee flavored water with good intentions and love, so....I get over it quickly and normally with a smile.

Today I was inspired by a great person from blogger. I woke up this morning, craving my normal routine. LOL I guess the dependency for structure has warn off on my from my clients. Anyways, craving this need for routine, I made my way through the coffee hurdle down to the basement where the computer is. I checked my mail, Then made it over to blogger. I peeked in on my very adored friend Spiky's page and I couldn't help but feel lighter. Have you ever come across someone where you could almost feel their spirit or energy? I often feel that way after reading her posts and I love it! Her blog is a change of pace for me. It was more of a blog I stumbled upon and couldn't be happier that I did.

I love her rawness, I love her honesty on issues, I love her crudeness, her vulgarities, and sassiness. This woman, her words, and energy has definitely shaken off a layer of dust that I had accumulating on my soul. Funny how people can inadvertently do that for others eh?

So anyways, I'm here, in Oregon, kinda cold, wired from 1 weak cup of coffee and 2 strong cups, glowing a little inside and feeling lighter and smiling after reading a post from a sassy friend.

Hope you all have a peaceful weekend!

Gonna be MIA for a few days

2008-12-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I am once again going to make the horribly boring, normally fight inducing drive up to Portland OR tomorrow. Its a 6-8 hr drive depending on conditions and stops. At least a few things can be predicted on this road trip. Like one thing that I KNOW will happen will be that we will be driving alone on the I-5, Crys will get annoyed at the site of a car in front of her, so to solve the problem she normally rides their ass until they get out of her way. That nerves me out, and makes me mad. First of all, when you ride someones ass, all they have to do it tap on their breaks and BAMMMM you've rear ended them and it will be YOUR FAULT. Second of all, I don't like bully drivers. Especially those that drive Hummers or other monstrous vehicles that cut you off, or get on your ass, because they know you'll move for them.

Hehe, another thing that will happen is that I'll probably come very close to peeing my pants. I am not the best person to be traveling with if you're one of those that doesn't like to stop. I can handle not stopping for food, but I'm sorry, I have to pee at least once every 2 hours. So... what will happen is I will tell crys I have to go potty when I first feel it come on. She'll see how far she can push it without getting off the freeway until i'm in her ear screaming get off the God Damn freeway or I'm going to pee on your seat! lol I swear that happens at least one time per road trip for us. She has a whale bladder and I have a bladder the size of a 7 year old.

So anyways, those are my predictions for the traveling part of the trip. We're actually going up there for a holiday party that Crys's family has every year. I've never gone, I was always working, or couldn't get it off, or sick. So this year I'm going. I've got to say.....I'm not overly excited about the gathering. Many of the people there have never met me. I'd say I've met about 1/2 of her whole family. So I expect that there will be at least 10 or so there that I've never seen and will be introduced to as Crys's partner. Hehe, I really don't mind that but its so funny. Those of you that are heterosexually challenged will probably understand what I"m talking about. But like for Crys and myself. Yes there's a bit of a difference between us. I dress a little more feminine than her, I like to wear make-up, I have a feminine hair cut, I can definitely be a "lipstick lesbian" where as Crys....not so much. Hehe, she is just more plain, not real comfortable in showing her curves (I don't know why she's got a great figure!) not much makeup if any, just one hair style. So, when you look at us, we don't really look like we'd go together, and most people that meet me never even consider the fact that I might not be straight, so to hear that we're together normally generates a look. Hehe a look I've seen MANY times. LOL and many times, when I've met someone from crys's life, that has never seen a picture of me before 8 times out of 10 we normally hear "Wow, you're so pretty" Crys and I giggle now when we hear that. I mean what do people expect to see? A mullet? A flannel shirt? Chin hair? I mean just because you're a lesbian doesn't mean you have to be hooked up with a butch looking woman.

Anywho...lol little rant there. So basically I'll be gone from Thursday-Sunday. Hope the weather is decent to drive in. More than likely I'll check my email and such while I'm there. Sometimes I need to escape the loudness of the tv that Crys's dad cranks up or seek some solitude from the niece and nephew that don't mind so I migrate downstairs and do my own thing for a bit. Normally sneak a smoke with Crys's sister in law too ;-) lol

Hope you all have a peaceful and rejuvenating weekend.

My Thanksgiving

2008-11-30T21:44:00.000-08:00

OK, so I had a little technical difficulty last night with blogger. Crys was on the computer so I thought I would use my iTouch to check my blog and stuff ( I just learned that it was wifi accessible.) Long story short I couldn't get the damn thing to display the keyboard so that I could type out my blog. It did it for the title but not the body. So sorry for the blank post.

Here's how my Thanksgiving really went.

It was definitely different. Throughout the day I found myself being stuck in my own head. Almost as if I were following what the routine would have been had I gone down to my parents part of the state. Things such as what my parents were probably fighting about, what orders my mom was barking, and how my grandma was probably sitting there in their livingroom all ready in here Sunday best to go eat horrible food at my dads mothers.

Despite the fact that I was making this story up in my head of what was going on at my parents, finding myself a little anxious throughout the day, it actually turned out to be a fairly peaceful day.

For the first time in my nearly 30 years on this earth, I have never, EVER!! been able to sleep in on a holiday or just wake up as I wanted to and glide into the morning instead of being thrown into it at 90 mph. I think I must have woken up at 8 or 9. Which is wildly late for me. I had made a pumpkin roll with a vanilla cream cheese center the prior night so as I usually do out of survival instinct ;-) I went and started the coffee. When the magical "green light" signaled to me that the coffee was ready to begin its journey to wake my body up I sliced up two slices of the pumpkin roll, put it on a tray, added our coffee to the mix, put the remote on the try as well and went into the room to deliver the breakfast in bed to Crys. She picked up her mug of coffee, held it with both hands cupped around it as to get her hands warmed up and we toasted to me not having to leave... or should I say "choosing" not to leave. We sat there sipping coffee, nibbling on pumpkin roll and watching "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving".

Finally at about 10 or so we plucked ourselves out of bed and replanted ourselves on the couch in the livingroom. lol Crys finally got some motivation and started on a turkey she had bought. I felt very spacey for most of the day, so I did my best to get the house tidied up, and some laundry done while Crys was following her Thanksgiving culinary traditions.

I sipped on Cabernet throughout the day. Not so quickly as to be drunk, but just seemed to be enough sips to stay a little chatty and giggly. hee hee
As hard as I tried to stay distant with it all, the thoughts of my parents still crept into my head. How they were feeling to not have either of their children there for Thanksgiving this year (my brother went to his wifes family this year and was also kind of boycotting my parents due to their response to coming out. My brother LOVES that he has a lesbian sister, I told him he needs to march in a pflag parade or something ;-)
So anyways I spent most of the day drifting in and out of thought concerning them, I made myself slow down enough to enjoy the peace that was present in my day, I didn't have to drive 450 miles that day round trip to be yelled at and I didn't have to sit at my dads parents house and listen to the ignorance flow as I hear the words "Fag, nigger, wetback, dyke, homo" and any other prejudice or discriminatory word you can come up with. THAT is what I really REALLY didn't miss.

All in all it was a very peaceful day in the house, not so much in my mind or soul, but as far as my first holiday outside of my parents tradition, I really can't complain. I didn't donate my time like I said I would. I feel pretty lame about that, but I did do at least one good deed for the day. The pantry was slowly filling up with recyclable glass bottles. In this part of the city they don't pick up recyclables so those of us that choose to care about the world must drive our recyclables elsewhere to dispose of them. Just to get out of the house and have some alone time (which I need a little bit of alone time each day to feel decent) I loaded up my car and headed to the mobile recycling center. There was a pretty lengthy line of people there. Many were obviously homeless and looking for a little spare change for the day. There was a woman standing there with what I would guess to be a 3 year old and was holding what was probably a 9 month old. The little girl was helping her mom tug the bags of recyclables as the line moved up. While waiting I commented on the womans oldest childes behavior and how well she was doing in such a boring line. The mom thanked me and said that "she was being good because she knows that what we get from these bags is gonna get us Thanksgiving so she knows she better act right". I didn't like what I was hearing. Yes I know it happens, but I don't like to hear that people have to grunt through the day scraping up bottles to feed your babies. So, even though there were about 10 other sob stories in that line this one in particular got me. I'm a sucker for kids, what can I say. So I told the woman that I had 4 bags of glass bottles that she could have to add to the funds she got from her bags. She seemed shocked that I would let those bags go, but instantly accepted the offer.

I lugged them all over to her and her little helper. The little girl looked in each of the bags as I took them over to her, she looked in them, and then she looked at me and said "you have a lot of big bottles!" I had to laugh... there was probably a good 8 wine bottles in there but I didn't want to spend the time justifying my 8 bottles that have been collected since October.

So I was headed back to my car from the line when the Social Worker kicked in and a flood of "what if's" filled my head. "what if she's just going to take the money and drink or get drugs with it" "what if she goes and gambles it instead of feeding her kids" and on and on....its sad that my mind goes there but I've worked with a lot of parents in the area of social work that have severe enough addictions that they do that. So, since this lady still had about 6 people ahead of her I decided to dart into the Raley's right next to it and grab a few things. I picked up some bread, corn, instant garlic mashed potatoes, and some juice for the kids. I figured if she really was going to get stuff for their day with the money she got from the bottles all she would have to get was some sort of protein and a little treat for the end. And if she did act irresponsibly with the money the kids could at least have a chance at some food. The mom seemed very appreciative of me doing that. I didn't really do it for her, I did it for her cute ass kids. I hope they had a decent day.

The rest of the day consisted of me eating, and eating some more, than having some wine and chasing it with more food. lol I'm really over food right now....

It was a nice day. It was kind of tugging emotionally, but there is nothing I can complain about. My mom didn't call and yell at me, we had wonderful food, it was quiet, and I didn't have to subject myself to a really REALLY uncomfortable environment!

Hope you all had a wonderful day with your traditions and loved ones. :-)

Now its time to gear up for Christmas! (rolling my eyes)

Gobble Gobble

2008-11-26T10:13:00.000-08:00

Hope you all have a very wonderful 4th Thursday of November (hehe, get it...Thanksgiving is the fourth thursday of november ;-)

This is a wild year for me. I'm not spending Thanksgiving with my family. Since moving out at 17 years old, which has been more years than I'd like to admit! I've always begrudgingly journeyed back home to spend the basic holidays with my parents. Easter, Christmas, and Thanksgiving. Which means that for the past 7 years of being with Crys I have never spent a single Holiday with her.

She has normally stay in whatever town we were living in at the time, cooked for herself and a treat for me when I got back into town, and I would spend the day at my parents house. A day full of yelling, order shouting, fight starting, anxiety provoking craziness. And I wish that were an exaggeration but its not. Sometimes I have to stand back and laugh about how wild that house really is. You just wouldn't believe it unless you experienced it, and even then you still would be left standing with a "deer in the headlights " look on your face.

For the first time... I'm standing up for me and what I want and choosing not to subject myself to that environment this holiday. It is both cowedly and freeing. It could be seen that I'm "ducking out" on what could be another longer version of the bible dodging talk we had a few sundays ago, and I am. I really don't want to have to go through that again, especially since I'm still getting over the first talk . And I'm pretty sure they've got full sized bibles at their house!! lol they only brought a pocket bible to our meeting. Could you imagine the black eye that a full sized bible would leave!?!?

I am also choosing to stay here in Sac for Thanksgiving because it is something Crys and I have never experienced together. As I mentioned earlier, we have always been separated during the major holidays. It would be nice to feel "normal" and wake up and get to have the kind of day I want to have with someone I really want to be around.

I've decided to make a turkey and ham and take it to the shelter tomorrow, and then have a small dinner and some cocktails with Crys at home later on in the day. Its definitely going to feel odd to have a holiday experience where it doesn't feel as though I'm weighted down with chains.

I welcome the new experience!

Happy 4th Thursday of November to you all!

Eat, Drink, and then Drink some more ;-)

The Monday Monster!!!!

2008-11-24T08:57:00.000-08:00

Ahhh Monday....the least favorite day of the week for me. It means that my weekend freedom is over and responsible Jenn has to come back from her brief vacation. This actually was a fairly peaceful weekend. Saturday I went over to a friends to help clean out a room in her house. It was one of those rooms filled with memories that she didn't want to face alone, so wanted a gal pal there to help when it came to saying "Let it go" or "Donate it" then I went home, had some Cabernet and listened to some music. Sunday.... was nice :-) Crys and I woke up, decided to throw some lounging clothes on and go out for coffee and a muffin. We hung out at a coffee shop for a bit, drove back home and were total bums for the rest of the day. It was nice!

Today, I'm back. I have my list of meetings, clients, errands, and calls that I have to make. I also have the looming thought of Thanksgiving in the back of my head. I still have not exactly shaken off the conversation I had with my mom last Friday. I really don't want to go down to my parents for Thanksgiving, nor do I really want to stay home. So...I think I might just piss everyone off and donate my time. I may go down to one of the homeless shelters such as Loaves and Fishes and help out there, or do a 5 k that is ran here annually called "run to feed the homeless". Maybe instead of making this holiday all about what "I HAVE to do" I can make it about what I want to do. Thats a new concept for me. Sure I might get some flack from my family, but...could it really get any worse?

So, there's my Monday wrap sheet. What's yours look like and how much stress are you feeling for Thursdays events?

Words from a desperate mother

2008-11-21T10:29:00.000-08:00

This morning started out promising. My client for the day canceled yesterday so I knew I'd have the day off. I woke up at 8am which is unheard of. I'm normally up by 6:30 at the latest. I made my way to the coffee maker, poured myself a cup, got a piece of chocolate and checking my email and blog. Got myself caught up on emails, giggled and smiled over a few posts from you all and planted myself on the couch to watch the Saprano's. I have the place to myself until 5:30 when at which point Crys will be home from work. Plenty of time to piddle around, get some cleaning done at my own pace, stop and start again, and just enjoy being a hermit (which I rarely get to do)

At 9:45 my stomach sank. While in my Saprano's induced stare I hear my phone ring. A ring tone that always pierces my core. My parents ring. I unwrap myself from the blanket I was in, set my coffee down and against my better judgment I answered my phone. It was my mom and right off the bat I knew that it was going to be a bad conversation.

My mothers greeting consisted of her saying "You're going to listen to what I have to say." I said ok, and allowed her to continue. She went on to say that she had been thinking a lot since our talk last Sunday and needed some information from me as well as to tell me a few things. I stayed silent waiting for the attack to begin. And it did. She told me that she was ashamed of me and my weak mind and soul. She said that she couldn't believe that she raised such a coward. I interrupted her to ask what she meant and her motive for telling me this.

Without any hesitation, the person that is supposed to love me unconditionally, support all healthy things I do with my life and provide me with emotional support laid into me. She said "I can't believe that you have let the things that have happened in your life ruin you they way you are allowing them to. Ever since your assault you have done nothing but run, hide, excuse your behaviors, and cover up." There was a silence that seemed like 10 minutes even though I'm sure it was just a few seconds. My mind was having a hard time registering what she was saying. Then she went on to say "You need to tell me what happened, I deserve to know the details of it all" The only thing that came out of my mouth at the moment way "Mom that is not relevant to why you are calling." In which she replied "ohhh yes it is, that fucked your life up and you've never gotten past it, and I need to know what happened."

I got so angry. SOOOO angry. Knowing my moms tactics like I do I refrained from popping off at her, I knew that that was exactly what she wanted me to do. I composed myself and said "mom, you have no idea what you're talking about. My life is not fucked up, in fact I'm fairly happy with my life right now, I'm doing good work, I'm in a healthy relationship, I've gotten a fairly high degree in the field I love working in, I can pay my bills, I really can't ask for more."
Her response to that was, "no you're not happy, if you were you would not be living this lifestyle, You need to tell me what happened during your assault so I know why you're doing this to everyone."

I was SOOO confused. How does the fact that I have ALWAYS been attracted to women have anything to do with my assault and the details of it??? Then she played the victim card in which she said "why do you continue to do this to me. Your whole life you have kept things from me, you have lied to me or never told me the whole story, I am your mother and I deserve to know about my daughter."
I really could feel my body getting hotter when she said that. I couldn't believe that she had the nerve to call me and throw all of this irrelevant shit at me. So I got brutally honest with her I said "mom, I don't trust you thats all there is to it. You do not deserve to know the details of my assault or my life because you have not proven yourself trustworthy with sensitive information. You use peoples words and life events as ammunition for when your mad. You have always thrown things in my face, You never forgive, you have selective memory about things when it suits you, and you calling me this morning about that is a clear example of this. Mothers that don't have a motive do not call their daughters and throw this kind of stuff at them. The details of my assault have nothing to do with me being with a woman. I am not scared of men and I don't hate men, I just find more pleasure and happiness in being with a woman."

Then in a last ditch effort to do...whatever she was trying to do she flipped things around again saying something to the effect of "So this is all about pleasure, this is some sick twisted way for you to pleasure yourself, is that not possible with a man, is pleasure worth going to hell for, is pleasure worth spending eternity in the pits of hell? You are messed up little girl, and there is nothing I can do to help you until you tell me what happened to you."

I was done...DONE with the conversation. All I could say is "Mom, you are not entitled to information just because you gave birth to me. Just as all others in my life you must work for it, earn it, and respect me. I don't know how you woke up this morning so twisted around to think that throwing this at me would make me share anything with you or how it would make me the heterosexual daughter that you want but it didn't work now, and it wont work later, and I am done with this conversation."
Another eternal silence passed and just as I was about to say bye she threw out "so are you coming to Thanksgiving?" My jaw literally dropped. I was on the phone with my mouth wide open. All I could say was " I don't know" at which point my mom hung up on me.

I was and still am in shock over it all. It was so twisted and so....irrelevant that the only thing I can attribute this to is my moms feelings of desperation and lack of control over the situation. And the nerve she had to call me and bring all of this up out of "concern and the attempt to understand" its just outrageous to me.

In the attempt to salvage my day off I thought I would write about it, stop myself from stuffing it all in which normally leads to more anger. I am not a mother yet, but I can never see myself doing or saying anything like that to my child. Especially to bring up a very sensitive subject as ammunition. It just doesn't make sense to me. And as much as I tried to see her as a "client in crisis" I couldn't. I was a daughter in the situation, a very confused and angry daughter.

Totally Exposed with a Thank you!

2008-11-19T13:03:00.000-08:00

I figured there was no better way to share a smile and give thanks like exposing myself....(get your mind out of the gutter, Its just a thank you!) LOL

Please excuse the horrible web cam. Its about 8 years old. So the audio doesn't really blend with the video. But...you'll get the point.

So now its your turn to share a smile with someone in your life!

So.... I'm going to hell

2008-11-16T17:19:00.000-08:00

I'm sure most of you have heard the expression "She/He threw the bible at me" A basic expression relaying the fact that they were preached to or told they were wrong from a Christian standpoint. Well... my mom actually threw a bible at me! No joke. We got to our meeting spot and she brought a bible with her and threw it at me. It was a great start to what I was hoping to be a civilized meeting. (sarcasm)
After getting scripture thrown at me I sat down at a picnic table, composed myself and said, "well I don't really know how to start this conversation but I want to thank you for meeting me here and thank you for agreeing to talk with me." My mom responded with, "Are you ok with spending eternity in hell! Because that's where you're going!" I had already decided to approach this situation as if I was going to meet with a client in crises. Yes at the moment I work with children who have spectrum diagnosis's but I do have a masters degree in Social Work and with time will get my LCSW, so I do know a bit about approaching people dealing with life's issues and crisis. I think it was very beneficial for me to approach the situation this way. My parents are definitely in crisis. The words hell were repeated over and over and over again. The statement "You're confused" was said at least 10 times and as I predicted past sexual trauma was brought up as a reason why I was in a "sinful relationship" I really tried to let them say what they needed to say without interjecting with my views. I wanted them to feel heard, respected, and loved. I don't have to agree with what they say to respect them, and I will always love them. They are my parents. So those were the things that I repeated in my mind as they were talking and wanted to relay to them, even if they couldn't do the same. I did however record the conversation without my parents knowledge. I did this for several reasons. 1 as a learning tool. So much can be learned by listening to this conversation. 2 so that I could look back at the conversation and feel comfortable in how I responded and reacted, and 3 to listen back on it and see all the craziness that was said by my parents. Some of the things that were said didn't even make sense or were sooo outlandish that they didn't deserve a response. I will not disrespect their Christian beliefs. I have many myself. Not the whole bible but I do carry a lot of it with me in my life. But what is hard for me to hear after the conversation and while listening to the tape is the fact that my parents said that "no matter what you do with your life, how many people you inspire in your life time, what you learn, or how hard you try, in the end you will only be judged by this one sin." Because I'm "living my life in a blasphemous manner." I WISH I could figure out a way to play parts of this tape on my blog. But it is on a small tape recorder. Not digital. I would love to have the freeness to share this. Whether people agree with my parents stand or not I just think it would be really freeing to just put it all out there. At the end of it all I said this "Mom, Dad, I love you guys very much. I can't say that I agree with what you believe or what you said to me or about me, but I do respect you enough to listen to you. For the first time in my nearly 30 years on this earth....I feel pretty normal. I like feeling normal and I'm pretty sure God approves of it too. Feeling normal is the best way for me to give back to people and the world. I would like to give you both a hug and let you know that I love you." They both hugged me individually, both cried and shook in my arms and I let them and then I turned around and walked to my car as they sat there staring into my car as I drove away. They were both very very hurt, very sad, scared, and emotional It was very hard to see them so upset but once it was all over, I did not regret having this talk with them. I do not believe I'm confused. I think I have always known that I didn't like boys. I tried, even got engaged, but was miserable the whole time. I have never been promiscuous, I have always respected my body and the body of those I have been with, which is VERY FEW. I am very certain that I would not be with someone for 7 years if it was just a period of confusion. And I'm pretty damn certain that I could go the rest of my life without "laying with a man" as my mom likes to call it. I have nothing against men, I think they're lovely and there are many great men out there, I just don't have an attraction to them. Nor do I have an attraction to every woman I see, even though my parents seem to think I do. I mean...come on, lol I have standards! So there it is my friends. I'm going to hell, I'm confused, and my past has traumatized me beyond repair and thats why I'm a lesbian in the words of my parents, especially my mom. I'm damaged goods that is confused and this is how I can tolerate life.
Thankfully I know that thats not true. I happen to like what I stand for and how I live. I have worked very hard to deal with and overcome the traumas that have occurred in my life. They will always be with me, but they do not rule me anymore. I try very very hard to show people that they are cared about and have enormous amounts of strength beyond what they know. I also have tried very hard and gotten an appropriate education in a field that I love so that I can be of help and support to others in the world that may need a little encouragement and guidance in getting on with their lives. I personally feel that one can not be an effective counselor unless they have worked through a little shit themselves. Well.... I've worked through the shit and now I'm planting a garden! I like me, I love my partner, and I genuinely care for people, (including all of you out there in blogger-land ;-) And I'm pretty sure that my God can see that.
Hehe, this is not the most educated sounding blog, most written on the wings of emotion and phrasing from a concealed tape, but I swear, I have the degree! Thank you all so very much for the support you have given me in the past month. It has helped so much and has helped to give me the strength to stand of for myself. You gals AND guys ;-) are awesome!

Ahh Sunday...

2008-11-13T21:33:00.000-08:00

Well the date is set and I'm pretty wired about it. Sunday.... The day I have set to have the "talk" with my parents. When I sign on to my screen on my computer Crys has it set to say "I'm super thanks for asking!"
For those of you that aren't South Park followers, its a phrase that a gay male character says. Basically the catch phrase for the character. Funny in most instances, but tonight... not so much.

I guess the phrase brings too much reality to the situation. I'm not super. In fact I'm stressed. I'm trying to prepare myself for anything and all that will be thrown at me as my parents regurgitate their thoughts and emotions about me dropping the L bomb on them. Its such a unpredictable situation> I don't even know what to prepare myself for, yet I find myself trying to be ready for any and all things they could possibly throw my way. Which in reality is impossible yet I try.

I fear the hour drive back home and all the emotions I will feel after talking with them. I have dedicated myself to being a strong adult in the conversation, yet I feel like I child when I think about entering the situation. It is a conversation that has been years and years in the making yet I'm not ready for it and at the same time wanting it to be done. I really don't want to hurt my parents anymore than I already have, yet I'm ready to be me. I'm ready to be JENN and face the world as the strong, loving, caring, compassionate, and lesbian me. Thats tough to say, and even to type, yet it is truth and I have to face it.

Tonight is going to be a long night. I can tell that I will have a tough time settling. I just told my dad the time and the place of our meeting. That has definitely brought a sense of uneasy in my world... But its time. I'm scared but its time....

I dont know where this will take me as a person, but I'm ready to find out. Thats a big realization for me and one I don't really know how to take or what to do with. I guess only time will tell.

Putting My Big Girl Panties On

2008-11-10T19:53:00.000-08:00

Hehe, I didn't know what else to title this post other than that. Its exactly what I feel like I'm doing. This Sunday I have asked my parents to meet me half way between Sacramento and where they live. This would land us just about in Modesto... I've asked them to meet me so that we can talk about everything that has come up in the past month...I.E. me dropping the L bomb on them. As I think I mentioned before in a previous post, I do not want to meet them in my city, nor do I want to go to their home and talk due to the fear of being trapped there.. So...middle ground it is.

My dad relays everything that my mom has been saying to me since she doesn't seem to have the courage or desire to talk to me at the moment. He has told me that she is devastated, shocked and hurt by all the lies.. Not to mention scared for my soul when I die.

I can't believe anyone could be shocked at this point. I mean.... I'm not ugly..I have a fairly decent personality with a good sense of humor ( I always make myself laugh anyways lol) I'm educated and social, AND I HAVEN'T HAD A BOYFRIEND IN 10 YEARS! Hehe... I mean if that was the description of my daughter I think I would have pondered it a few times before it came out.

My dad also says that my mom is blaming my lifestyle choice on sexual traumas. I really don't know how to respond to that or how I will respond to that when it is brought up. Yes the traumas in my life have affected me deeply in all areas of my life, they are complicated and uncomfortable but I can honestly say that I have never liked boys like I knew I should. I didn't like to kiss them as a teen, I didn't feel the need to prance around in front of them hoping that I'd be noticed. The only time I ever really wanted a guy is for a prom or a formal. I mean.... I needed a date to get me to the dance floor but after that I was normally on my own having a blast with friends.

Through the encouragement, advice, and wise words of many of you as well as from several in my "3d" life ;-) I have come to realize that I have nothing to lose by being completely honest with my parents. There are details they certainly do not need to know about and hope they have the class not to inquire upon but I am willing to be completely honest with them about everything. Even my anger towards my mom and all of her hatred towards anything that is beyond her little comfort box, how she treated me as a child, how she treats my father (that is a WONDERFUL man) and anything else she wants to know about.

I'm a grown ass woman! I am financially independent, I might as well be emotionally independent from them because I get nothing in return for the emotional efforts I put out for them, and I'm tired of living a double life full of secrets.

The way I figure it is I'm a good person. I am spiritual, I am hard working, my profession is one in which I give back to the world, I feel that I am a good friend, a good partner, I am open to learning about myself and others, I am loving, and compassionate. All things that parents should be thrilled to see in their offspring. If all they can think about is that I'm not going to bed with a penis....well... thats their loss. That is only 1/4 of who I am. And I'm FINALLY READY TO SAY THAT TO THEM!!!!

It only took me all my life, but I feel that I am now strong enough, secure enough, and ready to advocate for myself.

Hehehe, so there you go. A short story turned into a soapbox speech. Its been a tough road to this point, but I think its all going to be worth it when I can walk away knowing that for the first time in my life I am being truly honest not only with myself but everyone in my life....

My Blogger Friends....What Can I Say...

2008-11-07T13:55:00.000-08:00

I've just finished my rounds of blog reading. I've got to say...there is a lot going on in peoples lives right now. After reading from my list of blogger pals I realized how lucky I am to "Know" these people and share in their journey called life.

So many of you live day to day not realizing how inspiring you are to others. The thoughts you express, the growth you achieve, the hardships you find your way out of, the professions you have, the help you give, the diagnosis's you battle, the wonderful children you raise with painstaking effort. You guys are truly inspiring to me.

When I stand back and look from a distance at each person I know from blogger you each have a gift, a certain projection of grace, and something to give to the world. There is not ONE person on my blogger list that I can name that does not have a passion or that does not have a cause they believe in. All I can say is that I'm thankful to have you guys in my life. You are people to learn from, share with, and respect.

I am truly grateful to have met you all.

Here, There, and Everywhere

2008-11-03T19:52:00.000-08:00

Things feel so crazy right now. That's the best way for me to describe life at the moment. First and foremost my emotions and thoughts are still everywhere from me dropping the "L bomb" or...as many have labeled it "coming out". Tho... its not like I popped out of a cake or jumped out of a box...I just said some words. Hee hee I never really understood why people say "coming out" so...i've decided to relabel it "Dropping the L bomb" I like to add my own kick to things... ;-) As Lauren from my blogger list knows, I'm known for coining words or phrases...she knows two words in particular that just might live with her forever! hee hee

My emotions have been up and down. I've been everywhere from relieved to angry. More angry than anything recently. Its hard when you face something that you can not change, like the ignorance of others or sexual orientation ( I don't like to say sexual preference because that leads one to believe that it is a choice and not innate.) I h ave recently come to realize and truly understand that my family is ignorant. Don't get me wrong there are some truly wonderful things about each of them and they have all made me into the person I am today...And for the most part I think I'm a pretty decent person, but they are ignorant. They choose not to expand their thought process past what they were initially taught. They don't test boundaries nor to they desire to think anything else past what they believe they know or have been told. This is really hard to accept. I feel sad for the complacence they have towards life and their mentality towards the world. I say this with much shame, but I come from a family that does not believe in interracial marriage, they feel that anyone that is not white is stupid or less than in the world, that immigrants are only good for labor, and that women should be subservient in the home. This is not just my immediate family but most of my extended family as well. I have NO IDEA how myself and my brother escaped such stupidity!

Most people fall victim to cycles but somehow my brother and I recognized at early ages that my family's beliefs were WAY off. So even tho I just went off on a tangent with all of that, that is definitely something that I've been thinking about and accepting. Its probably just as hard for me to try to accept them like that is it is for them to accept me and my lifestyle. Which can cause internal conflict when thought about it too much..

So, my emotions have been up, and my support has been down. I have to say that I am truly TRULY thankful to all of you that have sent words of support and love my way during these past weeks. I really can't tell you how much its meant to me to hear so many words of kindness and support. I don't know how I'd be doing without you all, so thank you!!!
Crys has been good with it all, but she's a slow processor. She just told me two days ago.. "Wow it just kind of hit me how big you telling your parents was and how much it will change future events for you all" I just had to stand there with my mouth open for a minute. In my head I was thinking "Wait, this is my highly educated partner, someone with two masters degrees, one of which is in social work, and she....2 weeks after the fact just realized how big this is" All I could actually say was "Yeah babe its pretty big, but glad you were able to wrap your mind around it" and then giggled. Other than her and this blog I have received little to no support. My friends from back in Fresno have not called once hearing the news, friends here haven't really checked in...I wasn't expecting a huge support group, but it would have been nice or would be nice to have some people in my immediate life call and say "Hey Jenn, I know this is a tough time for you, especially with the holidays coming, I just wanted to call and let you know I was thinking about you and wondering how you were handling things"

That is my natural response when I hear a friend of mine is going though some tough stuff....am I odd by doing that or do I just have some inconsiderate or crap acquaintances...? You would think that people in their late 20s to early 30s would consider that...but... maybe I'm a rare breed these days.

Ok... away from the topic of me for a second... I do have to say that I am so happy that I am alive for and participating in these elections!!! My parents always told me "There will never be a black president or female president in your life time" Well mom and dad after tomorrow there will be one of the two and I couldn't be happier!!! I hope he lives up to his speeches and beliefs. I know its going to take a lot of hard choices to fix what Bush did the last 8 years, many things that may be uncomfortable for us all to adjust to and live with, but there is know way things can be fixed in this nation without a little discomfort. I have many analogies that can go with this but I will spare you all from my crudeness. ;-) And for those of you in CA.... :-) please vote no on prop 8. Especially if you're reading my blog. Thank you and much appreciated! ;-)

Back onto another unrelated topic, I have just been informed that the funding for one of my clients with autism is going to stop.. I have worked with this little boy for 2 years and it breaks my heart to hear that the funding source for him is going to stop. He really REALLY needs services on a consistent basis, and because of some red tape he is going to be placed in another program that is in comparison to the program I work for EXTREMELY sub par. He has made SOOOO much progress with his speech, behavior and anxiety management since he started receiving services from Capitol Autism Services that it breaks my heart to know that more than likely he will lose many of the tools we've given him, especially the ability to use his words and communicate his needs in an appropriate manner. And as for me, well....I hate to think about me in this situation, but reality kicks in and has made me realize that I will be losing 300 dollars a month without him as a client. I have been offered another case after his services are terminated, unfortunately it is 65 miles round trip for this case. The child has been without services for a year due to the lack of appropriately skilled workers we have working in our program. Many start with great intentions but with time or enough challenging situations they choose to find a less demanding and skillful job. So there's a pretty high turn around as far as behavioral consultants go. So...I chose to take the case. I couldn't imagine a family going a year without services, hoping and waiting that someone will make their way to their home to help their little boy. So, I guess with the bad of losing one case I get the good of starting a new, and much needed client. Not as many hours as the client I'm losing, but the need is huge!

And in closing... I know there are many of you out there having some hard times, personal and emotional challenges and starting new journey's right now. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm not going to spit out anything corny like " You've got to experience the bad to appreciate the good" but I will say that everyone that reads this blog is amazing in their own right. So many wonderfully beautiful and strong people visit my little blog and I am thankful to have you in my life. So stay on that journey until you get to where you want to be!!!

A Few Notable Things

2008-10-27T08:24:00.000-07:00

First off I want to thank all of you that responded in support of my last post. It's hard to even explain how much comfort some of the comments gave me. So again, thank you!

Secondly I would like to thank Sera from Looking to the Horizon for the blogger buddies award that she so sweetly gave to me :-)
And I pass it on to Tera, Lauren, and Mother of Shrek.

The past week has been tough to say the least. I was emotional for a few days, then I was depressed for a few days and now...I'm kind of numb about it all except for when I pass a yard with a sign reading "Yes On Prop 8" then I find myself getting a little angry. Not because I plan on marrying Crys any time soon, but the fact that people are ok with advocating for discrimination. It could be the social worker in me that finds that ludicrous but the daughter in me is also relates those feelings of discrimination with my parents.

On a positive note my dad called me on Friday. I woke up shocked to see that he had left me a message on my cell phone. I was so relieved to see this because I had no idea what to say to initiate conversation and was scared to even do so. The conversation I had with my dad was definitely tough, and very emotional. I don't know how many of you feel out there but it is one of the hardest things in the world when I hear my dads voice crack out of emotion or can tell that he's crying. This happened several times in our hour long conversation. He shared with me his sadness, the fact that he does not believe in my lifestyle from a religious standpoint and that he is morning the loss of a lot of dreams fathers have for their daughters. I did not get defensive when I heard all of this, they were all very valid feelings and emotions. Many which I have grieved over myself.

I wanted to assure him that I was not the kind of person that was going to march in a parade chanting "I'm here I'm queer, Get used to it!" That I did not want to be the lesbian poster child, but more just wanted to live my life and be happy. I think he was a little relieved to hear that.

The hardest part of our conversation was when my dad shared with me how badly my mom is taking everything out on him. My mom is the type that takes everything as a personal attack and in turn feels the need to attack others as a type of emotional release. So after coming out I can only imagine the attack my dad had and still has to fight off.

My mom has been like this my whole life. I suspect that it is due to her not wanting to take a good look at herself and deal with her own demons so she projects her crap onto everyone else in her life, and bullies people to gain a sense of control which she feels she can not obtain any other way.

I still have not talked to my mom since last Saturday when I dropped "the L bomb" but am so glad that my dad called me and I told him that. He said that he and my mom would like to meet me at some point and "lay the cards out on the table". I openly agreed but with one stipulation, that we would not meet at their house. I told him that I was not going to subject myself to attacks and feel trapped within their environment. I told them that the meeting would have to be in the middle of their house and mine so that both parties could retreat if things got too tense. He agreed. Plus getting my mom in a semi public setting is a defensive tool. She will control herself a bit better than if she was in her own house.

I think my dad is going to come around faster than my mom. I don't expect him to embrace this, but I do expect both of them to tolerate it for the sake of their child's mental and emotional happiness.
I know that this is going to be a very long and emotionally hard process for all parties involved but I'm hoping to feel a sense of relief soon. I have not yet reached the point of having that "weight" removed from my back. It all still feels very heavy.

Thanks again for all your support and kind words. They have definitely helped me in the battle of keeping faith in people.

Well...I dropped the bomb...

2008-10-19T19:52:00.001-07:00

Let me just say that this has been one hell of a month. Grueling really. Last night was one of the hardest nights of my life, and for those of you that know a little about me...I've had a few hard times to overcome in my life. Just under my assault last night was the toughest thing I've ever gone through.
Many of you have been my friends and fellow bloggers for years and with that you know the internal and family struggle I have faced in regards to being in my relationship with Crys. Coming from a very religious upbringing, my dad and his family being Catholic and my mom being southern baptist I was always told that homosexuality was a sin, was disgusting, and that anyone involved in such a lifestyle would be going to hell. I was also told from a very young age that if anyone in my family (meaning my brother or myself) decided to live such a lifestyle that we would be shut off from my family, never allowed to bring a partner over, that their love and respect would change if not denigrate.
Well, last night I couldn't bear it anymore and I came out to my mom. Crys and I drove down to LA for a wedding. We were all staying at the same hotel. My mom and dad, my brother and his wife, and Crys and I. Luckily mine and Crys's room was no where near my parents, and of course my brother has known about Crys for years and loves her. But the anxiety of possibly running into my parents with Crys by my side, the thought of having to hide her, and the fact that I was at a childhood friends wedding and I was being so non authentic just felt like acid on my soul. Just about everyone at the wedding asked me when it was going to be my turn to get married and if I had found a man yet.
The wedding was beautiful, and we all walked into the reception. I had 2 drinks and no appetite. My mom and dad being the godparents of my friend were placed at the head table while my brother, sister in law and myself were at another. (Crys upstairs in the room) I think my mom had drank a bit too much (and she's not a drinker) she walked over to my table and asked me to walk with her. One our way outside she told me that I was embarrassing her, (as she stumbled) I grabbed her arm and kept her sturdy. She said that I had drank way too much ( two jack and cokes) and that I was being disrespectful by not eating. We took a seat at a table outside and my mom just started picking on me. The fact that the 200 dollar fitted pin stripped suit that I had chosen to wear was not feminine enough, that I looked like I was gaining weight, and why couldn't I have brought a date with me... Something snapped inside of me at that point. I don't know if it was the stress of the break ins compounded by the sadness I felt about "hiding" Crys at a event that I really would have liked her to be a part of and the fact that my mom was obviously a bit tipsy and picking on me at what should have been a wonderful evening for all... but before I knew what I was doing the words "Mom, Crys is my girlfriend. She has been for 6 years."
Tears started flooding down my face at that point. I sat there waiting for some sort of response. She just stared at me with the most piercing expression for what seemed like forever. Then she got enough words together to tell me that I was disgusting, that she did not raise me to be like this, that I was never to tell anyone in the family about this, and that she wanted me out of her sight that looking at me made her sick to her stomach.
She got up and walked away from me, I just sat there, stuck in my seat wondering what I had just done and why did I do it. After getting feeling back in my legs I headed back to the room and told Crys. Somehow she understood what I said through all the out of breath crying I was doing while trying to talk to her.
Not long after I heard a knock on my door. It was my brother and sister in law. The first thing he said when he saw me was "So you finally dropped the bomb huh sister?" He also said that once my mom got back into the reception she took him outside and told him what I had just said. He said that he told her that he's known for a very long time and that he really likes Crys. He said that she told him that she is disgusted with the thought of me and pissed at him and my sister in law for not telling her and covering it up just as I did and then she stormed off on him.
I never got to see my dad after I told my mom. I can only imagine he's filled with disgust as well. Which the thought of my dad feeling that way towards me hurts much more than how my mom feels. My dad and I have always had a very special relationship and that could be over.
I woke up throughout the night crying in my sleep. I always thought that once I finally did it I would feel a sense of relief and feel proud of myself for gathering the strength that it took to do something like that but I don't feel either. I feel empty and as though someone has died.
The 7 hour drive back home was the longest trip ever. Each minute felt like a week.
I did not expect to finally come out to my parents this weekend, and I definitely did not think that I would feel so completely lost and empty after doing so. I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to approach them again, I really just don't know what to do now.
So no more hiding her from them, no more lying and making excuses for why my "roommate" is never home when they come to visit, no more saying "I don't have time for a boyfriend right now" Its all out now....
It was definitely the second hardest night of my life..

Having a Really...REALLY hard time + current update on the BAD GUY

2008-10-14T19:15:00.000-07:00

Last night/this morning at 3am Crys and I heard a crash... Our sliding glass window had been broken through.. I river rock lay in the middle of our living room. The blare of the alarm system I bought the day prior sounding off in high pitch. This time we had a phone by the bed, we had the stand by hockey stick and a 8 iron from my golf bag in hand. We both went charging out into the livingroom to beat the crap out of whoever was in the house... no one was there... All that existed was a solo river rock and shards of glass. I don't know whats going on... We don't know what to think.. It is beyond us. Nothing was taken, no prints were left...or found by the second team of CSI in a week. We don't know what to do. We want to move but we just signed a 12 month lease and the property manager is only offering to give us a different apartment but not out of the lease, plus she wants another 700 dollar deposit for the new apartment! And to break our lease would cost $1500, which neither of us have at the moment.

Crys is freaked way out, I'm a mess..... All I can do is go to my education and think.... "Ok Jenn, slow your mind down....Talk it out. writing makes thoughts and emotions more pliable...blog, journal, think!!!" But no answers come. Is this a lesbian hating freak? Is it the same person? Is it someone we know? Are these people going to keep going after us? It's toooooo much!!!!

We do not live in a bad area, that is whats freaking me out. We live in a fairly nice area... We do not have anything worth continuously breaking into our space for. Is it friends of the person that broke in before? Is it the same person that broke in before but gave Crys's car and my id to someone else? I don't know what to think!!!!

I have never....EVER felt this helpless or without resource.. I never in a million years would have envisioned this happening to us, especially since we have nothing of value to take! We have a TV, a computer, a ps2, and 2 cars. Is that worth risking 2 breakins for?!?!? Just about everyone in the U.S. owns those items. With the costs of the last break in, the deductible to fix crys's car, and me just paying off a decent portion of student loans we can't even afford to stay at a hotel for the night. But what does a night mean in the grand scheme of things!!

We don't know what to do... and are in for what seems to be a long stretch of long nights....

****************************************************************************************************************

Update on the guy that was caught in crys's car, with a gun, my id, meth, and pot. Apparently he is out on bail after being charged with 2 felonies and a misdemeanor . I received a reply back from someone at the County DA's office giving me the available information on the person. This is what I got. (just copy and paste if you want to see) https://services.saccourt.com/indexsearchnew/xCaseDetailsV2.aspx?SearchValues=BUTLER,JOSHUA,%20,3144361,3447008F08350 Now I don't know if Mr. "King-Malik" is the one that broke into my house and took the safety that I worked very hard to get back but I found it odd that he had my id in his wallet as well as crys's keys and car.... After looking up the charge codes he's basically getting two different charges of receiving stolen good and or car being in care of a stolen vehicle and driving without a valid license. Nothing mentioning the meth, the pot, the gun, the knife...And if he's out on bail how do I know that it wasn't him coming back when the sliding glass door was shattered? Plus crys just told me last night that the key that she got back from her car was a copy. I was not aware of that. Her Ford key with the black cover on it was no longer on her key chain, it was a wal-mart copy if it. Would I be jumping to conclusions to think that maybe...just maybe this person is came back hoping we wouldnt not have changed our locks, made a copy of the house key as well and was pissed to see that we had in fact changed all locks so decided to shatter our door?

I really am not sure what to think..But I can't help but feel a little let down by the justice system, for the second time in my life...

Update on break in

2008-10-09T20:53:00.001-07:00

Well last night at about 11pm Crys and I got a call from the local sheriffs department. They were calling to inform Crys that her car was recovered in a traffic stop. Apparently the male driving the car was driving erratically. From what the sheriff told Crys, the motorcycle cop requested that the driver step out of the car for further investigation. From that point the driver became erratic and was drawn upon by two police holding tazers. During car inspection they found blood on the dashboard, marijuana everywhere, a 32 caliber pistol, a knife and meth in baggies in her car. None belonging to us by any means. He also had my ID in his wallet but not my social security card. He had stripped Crys's car of all speakers, as well as the floor mats, stabbed a hole in Crys's seat and deposited what appeared to be seamen ( reported by the arresting officer) on the drivers seat.
We were able to pick her car up at 5 this evening after it was printed and DNA taken from it. I feel relieved that the person was caught, Crys isn't there with it all yet. She is more concerned about her car. I understand that because she was not the one who saw the lights, hear the noises and realized that someone was in our home . She is more worried about her car. But as Deb replied to my original post about all of this, I think I'm experiencing a little PTSD around this all. I'm feeling very triggered because I saw the lights on in the house, I heard the noises, I was up no more that 10 minutes before seeing the lights, so I'm more concerned about the person getting caught that took my sense of safety from me after I've had to work so hard to regain it from my assault. The two of us are in very different places with all of this thats for sure.

I will update on this issue as I hear about it...

One of the scariest moments of my life

2008-10-05T16:36:00.000-07:00

I'm having a very hard time settling down right now so I thought I'd blog about in in the hopes that it would help me calm down. Crys and I had a very scary thing happen this morning. At 5:30 this morning I woke up and was thirsty so I walked to the kitchen to get some water. I walked back to our bedroom and was laying on my back trying to stop my mind from getting started. No more than 5 minutes of being in bed I saw a beam of light coming from the livingroom. I then heard a chair move. I instantly woke Crys up and told her that someone was in the house. She thought I was crazy or half asleep. I unfroze myself, ran to the bedroom door closed it and locked it. Then she heard a chair move and believed me. Since I moved out of my parents house a more than decade ago I've always kept a hockey stick under my bed "just in case". Crys was so scared she couldn't move. I grabbed the hockey stick and stood by the door listening and at the ready in case whoever it was tried to get in. Both of our cell phones were on their chargers in the livingroom so we couldn't even call 911. After a long period of silence I couldn't stand there any longer wondering if they were gone so I opened the door hockey stick in hand and screamed "I have a gun and if you don't get the fuck out of my house I'm going to blow your fucking head off!" I had no gun but figured it would scare anyone that might be in there. It was silent after that. No noise at all. With Crys behind me I banged on the wall as I walked down the hallway towards the livingroom with my hockey stick. I turned on the hall light and made my way into the livingroom. I checked every corner, every closet, the patio, in the bathroom. Everywhere. It was clear. It didn't even look like anything had been taken or messed up. I started to question what I saw and heard. Then I noticed that the door was unlocked and a big boot mark on our carpet. Crys went over to call 911 and saw that our keys were gone out of our key bowl. We both ran outside to see if they took our cars. Right away I saw mine and the keys to it in the grass. Crys....was not so lucky. The mother f'er sole her car. Came into our house took her keys and stole her car! It was at that point I realized my wallet was taken out of my purse as well because my business cards were all over the parking lot as well as my insurance cards and everything else the asshole didn't want. But... he got my social security card and my drivers license. Luckily I had forgot to put my visa back in my wallet and had it in my jeans in the closet. I called experian, equifax, and transunion and put a red flag on my social security number so that no accounts of any credit type could be opened in my name. CSI spent half of the morning dusting our place which afterwards took us an hour to clean up and a sheriff came and took a report from both of us and tried to assure us that the likelihood of them coming back is extremely low. She seemed very shocked that this happened at the time of the morning when bad guy knew the likelihood of people being home was high. And then she proceeded to tell us that most people like that carry weapons just in case they run into resistance. That did not help the situation, especially since I had been up and in the livingroom/kitchen area to get water 5 minutes prior to seeing the flashlight beam. Which means that the person could have very well already been in the house or on the patio at that time.
Another thing that is keeping me tense is the fact that many nights I sleep on the couch in the livingroom due to sleeping problems or back pain so that I don't keep Crys awake and the thought of waking up and being face to face with the person completely freaks me out. It could have freaked them out too and no telling what could have happened if they would have seen me on the couch. I am so thankful that I slept in bed last night!

I feel so bad that crys's car was stolen. I also feel a little triggered. As someone who has survived a physical and sexual assault the thought of someone being in my home and entering without much force or effort shakes me up. I'm trying to stop my mind from going to all the "What if's" but its hard. Especially when some of the "what if's" have already happened in my life.

We are definitely lucky that all that happened was a stolen car, wallet, and ipod. It could have been WAY worse. But this is definitely up there on my top three "Scariest Moments"

My Weekend Away

2008-09-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

Our box of fun!

This was the view from our room

Crys wearing her dorky vacation sunglasses as we walk along the waters edge

A great representation of how I felt the day after

Who doesn't need a picture of of them sitting under a sign that says "Crabs and Liquor"

It was really nice to escape my everyday life. We drove through Napa Valley and up Highway 1 with the ocean along side us for most of the trip. When we left Sacramento it was 97 degrees. When we got to our destination it was breezy and 64. I most welcomed change in temperature. We were both getting over a head cold that I caught from one of the little ones I work with but it didn't seem to get in the way too much. We walked along the beach, collected little nic nacs on the pebbly sand and in tide pools and simply sat and watched the waves splash up against the rocks as we were slowly hypnotized by the sounds of the ocean.

We had several nice meals, all overlooking the water. At one point we watched a group of sea otters play as we drank wine. And as part of a tradition we have, we brought with us a pound of Sees candy and woke up the morning after our anniversary to drink coffee and pick through the box.

There were so many wonderful things about this trip. The ocean view room, the wonderful meals, the comfortable temperature, and the fact that we didn't have to hear our ridiculously loud and inconsiderate upstairs neighbor. Even with all of these wonderful things, when it was all said and done and we were back home I could only think of one thing. Crys fell asleep at 9:30 the night of our anniversary. Now I wasn't expecting to have this wonderfully romantic evening full of passion and ecstasy but I certainly did not expect that, nor did I expect to be sitting up alone drinking wine by myself and staring out of the window onto the ocean.

This is probably a little more info than I should share on my blog but it has deeply affected me. Since then I have been questioning myself in so many areas of who I am. "Am I not exciting, am I not fun, am I not attractive, am I too fat, am I not entertaining, what is wrong with me that would lead my partner to fall asleep at 9:30 on our anniversary? "

I couldn't help but be a little quiet the day we were coming home. We went to the beach for once last ocean experience before leaving. Several times Crys asked me what was wrong but I didn't want to wreck out trip by bringing it up plus I hadn't processed it all enough to put words on how I felt, so I just responded with "just feeling quiet right now."

When we got home we were both kinda pooped from the driving and traffic so we just watched black and whites for the rest of the evening. Yesterday Crys decided to load the pictures from my camera onto the computer. She called me in to look at them once they were all up. We looked through them and talked about each picture. When we got to the ones taken the day after our anniversary my energy and expressions were definitely off from my norm. She questioned me again about it and I finally cracked and told her how I felt about the closure to our evening. I explained to her that I did not have any sexual expectations but that I certainly did not expect to walk out from my shower to find her asleep on the bed. I also shared how I thought this was a pattern for us and how I felt that she put little effort into keeping romance alive in our relationship.

Surprisingly enough I was able to express this all without tears which is unlike me. When I talk about deeply emotional things I have a tendency to cry for some reason but this was different. I was able to say it all with not much more than a shake in my voice. Not so much for Crys. She started crying right off the bat. She got defensive and had many excuses. I did not approach the issue in a aggressive manner just because it can be such a sensitive issue to discuss but it didn't matter. The conversation started going in circles, nothing was being talked about, instead things were just being said, so at that point of realization I said that we should end the conversation at that point because nothing was being said, and that accusations were just being thrown around, which was definitely not my intention. I thought that being honest would lead to a in depth conversation about what was going on in that area of our relationship, instead it turned into something WAY different. From that point of the day on she didn't really talk to me which kind of stung. She stayed in the office on the computer and then went to bed without a word.

Should I have not been honest about my hurt feelings? Should I have just kept my thoughts to myself? Should I have sugar coated the issue? Is emotional and physical intimacy not important in a relationship? Do I put too much emphasis on how it can strengthen areas of a relationship and develop other areas? These were all the things that kept me up until 3 am this morning.
Last night as I put our coffee on for the morning I wrote her a note by the machine appologizing for upsetting her and expressed that that was not my intention when I brought everything up and how I know that I add complications to the relationship as well. Since she leaves on Mondays before I get up normally I was expecting a small note back. Instead I saw a empty counter. My note was gone. I looked in the trash, luckily I didn't see it there, but I did not get any sort of response.

What was supposed to be a carefree get away turned into a emotionally heavy situation. And I honestly have no idea what to do about it.

Anniversary

2008-09-25T17:58:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Cry and I's 6th year anniversary. We've decided to drive over to the coast and stay at the Ritz Carlton with a ocean view. I'm pretty excited. We've been through a lot this year both together and as individuals. I think we deserve this!

With hard work, luck, and good health I'm hoping for another good 40 together. = -)

How should I feel?

2008-09-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

This is a question that has been floating through my mind for quite a while now. Its something that I just can't seem to wrap my mind around. I think its a question that is popping up in the attempt of discovering my own self worth but is something that I can not really take a position on.
I am a social worker, I am a behavioral consultant for children diagnosed with autism, I am a friend, I am a partner, I am a grand daughter, a daughter, and a sister. And then...I'm just Jenn. When living day to day life I come across people that are just so proud of themselves and what they do in the world. The project this sense of " I am so awesome and do so many good things" when I encounter these kinds of people it makes me wonder how they got to be this way. Many times I agree with their notion of self. Many of them should be proud of themselves and their accomplishments, and I think that in many cases this is very healthy for people to feel.

I personally have a problem even attempting to project that into my life. When people find out what kind of work I do I am often given praise. I get many thanks from the parents of the children I work with, and even from my boss.
In my personal life I am told that I am a caring person, a good friend, and loyal.

Oddly, this does not make sense to me. I don't feel it. I have a very hard time seeing that I make positive differences in the lives of those I encounter. I don't understand how I improve emotional and personal situations of others.

At the end of the day, I'm just Jenn. That's how it feels. I'm not patting myself on the back, I'm not boasting about my good deeds, and I don't feel superior. In fact at the end of the day I often feel like I haven't done enough, or what I have done is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. This is something that I know needs to change, but I don't know how to approach it. I feel like I should be content with what I do and who I am, but that has proven to be very difficult. I want to believe that I'm helpful, I want to believe that I'm supportive, I'd love to feel that I have helped others create positive change in their lives, but at the end of the day, I just feel like Jenn.

Wild Weekend (kind of long...)

2008-09-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

It would be easier to write what didn't happen this weekend than to explain everything that did, if that gives you any idea of what the past 3 days have been like.

I went into my Friday case expecting it to be a smooth transition into my "weekend". (even tho I really don't have a weekend due to the fact that I work six days a week) I should not have let down my guard so easily. The first 20 minutes with my client went well. He was in a great mood. Gave me a unprompted "Hi Jenn" when I walked in, and held my hand while I was doing his pre-session paperwork. He has a behavior that his parents are trying to stop that is related to his extreme OCD. Well...while doing my paperwork, something triggered this behavior and he went into action trying to complete the routine that he felt compelled to complete. His mom, a rather thin, frailish looking woman stepped in to stop the routine in mid action. This set him off. Now he is about 5'6ish and in his early teens. So..he's a little more challenging then say one of my 4-year old clients. So when I say he was set off, I mean he was throwing punches, kicking, spitting, and attempting to bite, all so that he could complete the routine he had started. Since the behavior did not start with me, It is company policy that I let the parent handle it. I stood there watching this outburst, ready to step in and help if need be. The mom was doing everything right, she was using a firm tone, she was holding her ground, and bobbing and weaving as much as she could. I did not see what exactly happened to lead up to the peak of this outburst because they were in the bathroom, but all I heard was he say "Get down!" I went to check in with her and she had grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back to get him on the floor. Something out of cops really. I think this hurt his feelings rather than hurt him physically, so he started to cry hysterically. My heart was hurting for both him, and the mom, because it had obviously upset her to have to take those actions. They were both crying. I decided to break it all up now that the behavior had ended and asked my client to sit on the couch. Which he complied with. The mom on the other hand was on the bathroom floor crying. I took a moment, and sat with her. I gave her a hug and reassurance that she handled the situation appropriately, and the amount of force she exerted was appropriate even tho I was torn in her response, I knew that she had to defend herself in the situation as well as make sure he was safe.

The situation defused, the mom calmed down, as did my client. I took him up to his sensory room, directed him to his adult sized swing that they have installed for him in there, and he swayed as I rubbed his feet. No longer than I had him relaxed and using his words again did his mom walk by the room. This set him off again. I suppose it reminded him of the fact that he did not get to finish his initial routine. While still in his swing he went off again. No sooner did I stand up to take action did he kick wildly at me. I was not fast enough with my evasion and ended up getting a full force kick to my ribs. It took my breath away but luckily I was running on adrenaline and popped right back up. Since this behavior started with me, it had to end with me, just as in the behavior he had with his mom. All employees are trained in passive self-defense. So I was bobbing and weaving like no other, when I found my chance I swooped in behind him and applied a massive bear hug. Luckily I'm pretty strong for a woman my size and was able to calm him enough with the hug that he calmed down. All the while feeling my ribs pounding from the previous kick. While behind him I was just praying that he did not do a backwards head-butt and break my nose. So...finally I got him calmed down enough to proceed with our session. Everything went smooth from that point on but my nerves were wracked by the time my shift was over. I went home, iced my ribs and stared at the tv until I fell asleep on the couch.
Saturday morning I woke up for my 10am case. My ribs were bruised, and I was pooped. But I headed out anyways. My little client, that is normally very complaint, cheerful, and so super cute was in a mood when I got there. His mom took a little time to slip away and get her hair cut before I got there, so he was left with his dad that basically lets him do whatever he wants. The house was a mess! Train tracks everywhere, little toys scattered all over... it was bad. And since he did it, It was my job to have him clean it up since it was on my time. This created a huge tantrum. Luckily he is only 4 so it was something that I could "easily" control. I pretty much had to do hand over hand clean up with him for all the crap that he had thrown around. Everything after that was a challenge. He had a tantrum during every period of transition during our session, which was a three hour session.....

My work week finally came to a end and I was warn out and in need of some time to blow off some steam. There is a monthly even here in Mid-town called "Second Saturday" Every 2nd Saturday of the month a lot of local artist and bands cover the streets of mid-town in the hopes of promoting themselves, and of course along the way there are bars everywhere. So Crys and I took the light rail (the city train) to midtown so that we didn't have to worry about driving. We get down there and immediately start having a great time. We ate at a Mediterranean restaurant. At which point I had some Ouzo. (Very strong Greek Liquor.) We finished up and started walking around. Saw some cool art, listened to a few awesome bands on the streets and went into another bar for a "refreshment." After a shot of Whiskey and a complementary drink from the bartender that did not seem to care that I was not interested in him and was there with my girlfriend, we left. As soon as we walked out my eyes were fixed on this guy that was bleeding from the forehead. I can't just walk away from that so I approached him and asked him if he was ok, or needed me to call him some help. He said he had been jumped, but did not want a ambulance. I went back inside and got some papertowls and asked him to clean his face off so I could assess the damage. (I guess nursing school still comes in handy ;-) After he cleaned the blood from his face I could see that he had a decent cut above his eyebrow. Maybe something that would require 3 stitches but nothing life threatening. I asked him a few questions to make sure he was mentally sharp. IE his name, where he lived, what year it was, who was the president, if he knew where he was. He was able to answer it all. So I let him use my cell to call a friend to pick him up and continued with my evening.

Long story short, 2 hours later and about 3 shots I was way too tipsy. I allowed my frustration of my week cloud my judgment and increase my drinking limit. Crys said I was fine and that it seemed to hit me all at once. I think that my anti-anxiety medication added to the intensity, which I had not even thought about....
So here I am, I fairly educated woman, walking down midtown with Crys keeping me in a straight line. We were headed back to the light rail when I tripped over the train tracks and ate it. I'm sure I looked extremely classy.... :-/ Fell right on my hip and elbow. So now I have a skinned elbow, bruised ribs and a sore hip. It was at this point crys realized that we couldn't walk any further and called us a cab. 30 bucks later we got home safely.

The next morning Crys walked in the Aids walk here at the capitol building, and I had a soccer game. I woke up 10 minutes before my game started which was all the way across town. I don't know what I was thinking, but I grabbed my sports bra, put on some shorts and ran out the door. Didn't brush my teeth or anything...lol and still had smeared makeup on from the previous night. About half way there I realized that i didn't bring my cleats, shin guards or socks... so my plan went from playing to just supporting. I had gotten up so fast that I didn't notice my hangover, which I rightly deserved for drinking more than I should have...

I got to the game and my team did not have any subs. I sit down just in time for a girl on the team to bring me cleats that were a size too small and some really horrible shin guards and socks. They all begged me to play... so there I was, hungover, probably still a little drunk, playing soccer. I thought I was going to die. My world was spinning, I was shaking, I was simi limping from my bruised hip, and protecting my ribs with everything I had, but somehow still running, and at times kicking the ball. lol I must have looked pathetic!!

I finally made it home and was worthless. I felt like shit, I looked like shit, couldn't eat, and drank a pools worth of water. All I could do was lay, and even that didn't feel good.

The past 4 days were a wild ride to say the least, and today, it starts all over again. Lets just hope this week is an improvement from the last!

P.S. Thank you Maddy from http://whitterer-autism.blogspot.com/ for my award. :-) Always nice to know that I was able to bring a smile into someones day!

Life

2008-09-03T09:56:00.000-07:00

Well, its still happening. Life that is... I don't have much to blog about these days. I'm feeling a little stressed and a little warn down. I'm working 6 days a week with 4 different clients and their families and on the 7th day I play in a soccer league with my weekend warrior friends.

Things are staticy at home. I think Crys might be going through a period of exploration of self and growth. I totally respect and support this but its taking a toll on me. She can be very difficult to live with at times. She is a neat freak perfectionist that has some difficult communication patterns and I'm finding myself feeling as tho I will never be able to meet her expectations or be able to create a comfortable environment in which we can BOTH be comfortable.

I don't think she understands the intensity and demand of my job. Sometimes it feels as tho she thinks that I just go to the families houses, work with their kids for a few hours, talk with some parents and then come home. I've tried to explain to her that when I'm at the families house I am 100% on. I have to be fast in reaction time, I have to be able to predict behaviors, I have to model appropriate behavior, I have to give words when they can't be found, I have to teach signs if words are not available to the kids, I have to give a lot of physical sensory as well as emotional comfort to both the kids and their families, I have to at times use passive self-defense, while at the same time teaching my clients other ways of expressing emotion other than in a angry fit or inaudible scripting.... And a lot of the times this is done all at once, and it just doesn't seem like she realizes what I do and why I don't feel like washing the baseboards of the house when I get home from a 8 hour day or why I don't feel like answering her questions about a show she's watching because if she would just watch it for 30 more seconds before asking her question her confusion would be answered...
I love my job and I choose to stay in this area of work for the moment. I realize it is a choice to have this intense of a job and I try to keep this in mind when I feel like she's riding me or over reacting to a micro spot on the carpet that I may or may not have created.

On a positive note, I got a new car. Well....not "New" but new for me. I was driving a 92 toyota paseo. I have had that car since I was 18. It has been a great car, always reliable...up until recently, I have had WONDERFUL adventures in it, but it was slowly breaking down. It had no AC (its been in the 90's and 100's here lately) it shook when you drove it over 65 (that was my main speedometer, when it started shaking I knew I hit the speed limit! lol) and it was TINY. My dad just bought my mom a new car and asked me if I wanted their toyota avalon. He just asked that I sell my car for what I could get for it and pay for it to be tuned up and new tires and I could have it. Its a 97. Electric everything, it has airbags (which I've never had in a car) and above all, it has room and doesn't shake while on the freeway! It has definitely made driving to clients houses much more comfortable and I'm finding that I don't have nearly the level of road rage when driving home in traffic in 100 degree heat now that I have AC. It was definitely sad to drive away from my little blue "piss ant" but it was nice to be able to drive away in a comfortable car!

So thats it for me as of now. I know that many of you...my blogger friends... are going through some tough times right now. I just hope you know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers during your day to day journey's through life and that that are many of you can help me to tap into strengths that I never even knew I had! Thank you all!

I feel motivated to share

2008-08-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

<--- Real 4 eared cat. Different eh? But so cute!!! A lot of things have happened in the past year that have caused me to step back and ask myself "who are you, what do you stand for, and what are you all about?" These questions seem easy enough until you really explore them in their entirety. Some of you have been traveling on my journey of self-discovery for years now. Thats wild to think. Many of you have been e-pals of mine since I lived in Fresno! That seems like a lifetime away now. I was so miserable living there. Bartending, going to Fresno State for nursing, living in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment with Crys and my cat. I probably would have found my way in the health care field, but I'm so glad I strayed... Moving to Sac was the best thing I could have done for myself. To be quite honest, getting turned on to Capitol Autism Services was the best thing that could have happened to me. Some of you may remember how nervous I was to start working with children on the spectrum. I had no prior interaction with this population other than the movie Rain Man, which isn't entirely accurate ;-) Its been two years now since I started working with these children and their families and I can not even begin to describe how much I've gotten from this job. I am blessed enough to be able to go into peoples homes and work with their children to help them become as functional as possible while using my social work skills to support the parents in a various number of ways. The diversity I have encountered is wonderful. Living in Fresno there was not much diversity in all areas of daily life. I don't believe I ever would have experienced the richness there that I have gotten here. The amazing strength of the children and their families that I work with have changed my life and have changed the way I see the world and others around me. We live in a world where everyone is trying to "fit in" and keep up. That can be an easy trend to slip into. Working with the population that I do helps me to stay grounded in the fact that fitting in is over rated. Uniqueness pours from the children I work with. Each one totally different except for the fact that they are beautiful kids..just being kids. This has added so much depth to my life. It has helped me to see some of what I'm made of, and what I'm about. Above all they have helped me to realize that different is good. Different is needed, different can be loved, and different can change the world one person at a time. I feel like this job has helped me to grow just as much if not more than some of the clients I work with. The kids, and their families show amazing strength on a daily basis and I can't help but be in awe over it. Especially with mothers. The love in their eyes when they see their child giggling with me during "sensory time" or using full sentences during verbal lessons energizes me to keep doing what I'm doing. They understand that their child will probably never be the star football player, or that their daughter might not be prom queen, but it doesn't stop them from loving them and saving room for progress. I'm not sure why I felt the need to write this, but I I did. I am just so inspired by the strength of these children and their families.. Including my fellow bloggers Tera and her children as well as "Mother of Shrek" and son C and "My Favorite Autistic" and her little one. You are both amazing mothers with amazing children and you both along with your strength are inspirations to me. Different, no matter what it looks like can be a beautiful thing if you choose to see it that way :-) A new lesson I have recently TRULY learned.

There is a place in this crazy world for all of us.

Finally!!

2008-08-03T20:31:00.001-07:00

<---getting ready to Kayak on the Colombian River Gorge

<---its harder thank it looks!

<---This was one of the hardest rapids we did that afternoon.

<----------Crys's mom and sister in law getting in on the vacation sunglasses trend ;-)

<--Crys and I drinking the biggest cocktail I've ever seen in my life! And I think I drank most of it! lol

<----and you can never see a picture of big blue ox testicles too many times! Or..can you..?

I have finally sat down to post a few more pictures from my trip to Oregon. I hit the ground running when I got back from vacation. I"ve decided to stay with Capitol Autism Services for a bit longer. There's something inside of me that says that I'm not done there yet. So I picked up 2 more clients when I got back and started with them and their families right away. The demand is high in this area for people in my line of work!

I have been really neglecting myself of chill time lately and have not kept up on everyone's pages like I would like to. Hopefully I will make my rounds in the next few days. Hope this post finds you all doing well!

Greetings from Oregon

2008-07-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

Me and my ugly decorated celebration glasses! :-)

This is Port Orford. It was so nice to sit and just look out on it.

This is one of the Banana slugs I found. I named him Gary ;-)

Me getting ready to roast a dog! Hot dog that is.

Crys under the Blue Balls. LOL

I can't believe the trip has gone by so fast! It really has been a nice time. And for those of you in California that are dealing with the smoke in the air you will understand how happy I am to be out of it for a short period of time. At one point, driving through Astoria the smoke was so thick that it looked like San Fransisco fog. We must have been near a fire. It was SOOOO bad. You couldn't even see the lines on the road. I can't believe they were letting cars drive, and it was about 90 degrees with no AC (because you don't want that blowing in the car)I was really getting claustrophobic. We made it through safely thank god, and got to our campsite. It was a really nice place to camp and I have never seen banana slugs that big in all my life! I found one that was a good 9 inches long! The weather was awesome while we were camping and couldn't hear anyone or anything. It was just quiet. We got our fire going, roasted some hot dogs, had some smores and a little Captain Morgan ;-) hee hee. it was a good time.

On our way up to Portland, while still in California Crys demanded that we stop and see Babe the Big Blue Ox. It was the funniest thing I ever saw. Nothing like a 5 story tall blue ox with 20 foot dangling testicles. And of course we had to take a picture by them. LOL

We got to Portland in pretty good time even though we stopped so many times along the way. We stopped in Coos Bay and walked on the black sand beach. It was beautiful and the waves were peaking at about 10 feet. It was awesome. Then we stopped in Port Orford. That had another beautiful beach...but kinda cold.

Finally we got to our destination and have been hanging out with the family. All the women had a girls night out last night. We all dressed up in skirts and heals and went to a martini bar. It was definitely a good time. Crys's sister in law and I get along wonderfully. We're both sassy brunettes that like a cocktail or two...or three..hee hee and then like to talk a little trash. Totally harmless trash but still very fun.

Tomorrow we're going up to the Colombia River Gorge and going kayaking with all of Crys's nieces and nephews. (all over 17 years old) So that should be fun. Her uncle owns and runs his own kayaking business so he's gonna takes us out for a few hours and show us around and a few lessons on how to river kayak.

And Donna, just as you asked, we stopped at Stump Town (I've been there several times) and I got a Mocha and dedicated it to you ;-) It was pretty damn good.

Ohhh and Crys and I decided that we needed to buy the biggest, most ugly sunglasses we could find and then decorate them to celebrate our vacation and to be silly. You wouldn't believe how many smiles and laughs we've gotten wearing these things around. Crys's mom has been calling me Audrey Hepburn. She swears I look like her with my hair back and these silly glasses on.

I'm sure I'll have plenty more pictures to share. But this is what I've got so far. It has been a much needed silly get away from the heavy load I was dealing with in Sac. Hopefully I can go back refreshed and ready to build some bridges and get over things!

Hope this finds you all doing well!

A little info

2008-07-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

So I thought I would do a small fallow up on my last post before I go out of town with Crys. We're gonna drive up the coast on Friday and camp one night up near the CA OR boarder. Then we're gonna finish the drive Saturday and end up in Portland. I always enjoy going up there to visit her family, even though the niece and nephew can be a little nerve wracking and her dad drives me nuts at times. While we're up there we're going to go kayaking down one of the many rivers there. Not sure which one but I do know that I'll come back with pictures. ;-)

June was a crazy month for me both physically and emotionally. To start off, I have been seeing a counselor since April. I really liked her, trusted her, and did a lot of work with her. She was the first counselor I've ever been so honest with. I know I mentioned before that we had even started a therapy called EMDR. Which proved to have some very positive effects. Well at the beginning of June I showed up to my normally scheduled appointment only to see her open her office door with a bandanna around her head. I knew right then and there what was up. She had cancer... There were no previous signs that I could see of this, but that day it slapped me in the face. She sat down and asked me to do the same. She said something to the affect of "well I'm sure you can see that there's something different about me." She then proceeded to tell me that she's in a year and a half long fight with ovarian cancer and is not doing well. They had started her on a very harsh chemo and it was taking a huge tole on her. She went on to explain that she has standards for herself as a counselor and felt like she was not living up to them due to her declining health and that it was this that made her realize that it was not fair to her or her clients to continue her practice. I was in shock sitting there. First I was selfish and thought...this is not how you terminate with clients! You can't just slap them with this unexpectedly! Within seconds I snapped out of my selfishness and realized that she wouldn't be doing this if her health was not so poor. Then my heart went out to her. I was facing a termination but she was and is facing a terminal illness... It was a very hard 50 minutes and the fallowing weeks were very hard for me to process. I think it will take a good while unfortunately for me to be ready to go looking for another counselor.

That event had a ripple effect in my life. Things felt like they just fell apart after that.. I became very careless for a short period of time and made some really bad decisions. Non that hurt anyone or anything. But careless and irresponsible choices none the less and I'm still kicking myself in the ass over them but trying to stop.

Then about 3 weeks ago I caught the WORST stomach flu. This was the WORST WORST WORST I had ever felt in my life. I threw up for two days straight before Crys had to take me in to get IV fluids. After that I stopped vomiting but couldnt eat anything solid for at least 4 days. I lived on Gatorade and mashed potatoes. I lost 12 pounds and every muscle in my body felt like it had been ripped. It was horrible!!!

During all of this, Crys had/has been having a tough time emotionally. She expressed to me that she's not feeling grounded in life and feels like she has lost touch of her spiritual side. With this came depression for her. So I have been trying my hardest to balance my stuff while trying to stay supportive, considerate, and respectful of her needs. Its really tough when both people in a relationship are having tough times. Normally when I'm down she's up or when I'm up she's down. We've been pretty lucky with that, but right now, were both kinda going through it which can be challenging.

Now for the last part...lol. I'm recently faced with a very tough decision. I am thinking about leaving Capitol Autism, even though I love it SO SO much, for a job that pays 3 times more and that I wont have to drive so much. It would be a position in which I would work with children and their families, more specifically at risk youth and their guardians/families. I would basically be doing family counseling work in which I would attempt to teach them appropriate communication within the family, coping skills, as well as one on one with the children. I feel very torn. This is basically what I did in my internship, and I was fairly good at it, but I love working at Capitol Autism Services. I've never been able to say that I love my job until I started working there. I love it...but I just don't make the kind of money I need to be making at this time in my life. Crys and I want to get a house. I need a new car, I have student loans I'm going to have to start paying on soon, I need to see a Dentist, I need better health insurance...the list goes on and on. And these things can not be obtained while working at CAS.. So this is something that has been weighing heavy on my heart lately.

So thats been my last month and a half and why I haven't been around much. I know everything will work out how its supposed to, but I want answers now! lol
But as my grandma says "want in one hand and shit in the other and see which gets full first!" So I suppose I just have to let life play out and do the best I can with what I've got.

Thank you all for checking in on me the past month. It is very appreciated. Crys and I will be in Portland from the 11th-20th. But I'm sure I'll post while I'm there.

Hope this post finds you all doing well. And for those of you in Cali, don't go outside, the whole state is on fire! There is smoke floating down the river here like water. Its horrible!

M.I.A.

2008-06-30T10:14:00.000-07:00

Hello my dear blogger friends. I am so sorry I have been M.I.A. lately. I really have no excuse other than everything! hee hee. There has been so much going on in my family, in my personal life, with my health, and with the end of school that I really had to take myself out of everything for a while and just focus. I will get into the details of my past month in another post. Well...it will probably take a few posts to get it all out. But its been one hell of a month thats for sure.

Though this past month has been a monster, it has also brought great opportunity for growth. I've learned more about myself, and I've also learned a bit about those in my life. I guess all I can do is try to learn from monstrous months...that or fall into a self-pitying depression, which is no fun..

I have however missed you all. I realized that last night. I haven't even been on blogger to read up. I feel horrible about that! I hope that you are all doing well and having a great start to your summers! My goal is to start checking in tonight to see how each of my blog gal pals are doing.

As for now, I'm going to shower up, eat some lunch and head out to see clients. Just wanted to drop in and let you all know that Im still alive and will be rejoining the world soon! :-)

Hmmm

2008-06-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

<--------- This is a picture of when Crys and I went to the West Coast Brewfest! This outing pretty much started off the end of my schooling. over 100 microbrews to choose from, unlimited, all day. Haa haa. It was a good time.

Well, I think its finally starting to set in. I'm done with school for now! Wild, wild thought. I had a tough time with it all the first week. My mind understood that I was done, but the conditioned level of stress, early schedule, and homework still hid in the back of my mind.
I'm not going to worry about getting more clients or a new job until I get back from my trip to Oregon in July. Crys and I are going to drive up the Coast. About 8 hours into the drive we're gonna camp by the ocean for the night, and then the next day finish the drive up to Portland. It should be nice. After we get back then I will make the decision on whether to double up on clients on the spectrum or to apply for another position.
I'm also trying something AMAZING as for late. You may have heard of it..its a new concept for me, its called "reading for pleasure". Haa haa. I havent done it in YEARS!! Its so nice. I've gotten a new book "Wrack and Ruin" by Don Lee. Its a wonderfully witty book about a farmer on the west coast growing sprouts and discovering a green thumb for growing marijuana.

When 5 o clock rolls around you'll find me in my hammock, on the patio, sun shining down on me, with book in hand. I love it! Even if I find that I'm not reading, just staring at the page, soaking up the sun like my fat cat, its ok. Its grounding and I'm going to start introducing that stuff into my life. So many years I've denied that kind of stuff. Even scared of it, due to the fact that when quieted I have a tendency of getting to far into my head. But I have time now, to introduce it slowly and comfortably.

So thats me in a nutshell right now. Im still adjusting to "Civilian Life" its different...thats for sure, but I have a feeling I'm going to do a lot of growing in the next few months.

Hope this post finds you all having a peaceful day!

Ok...so now what?

2008-05-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

May 24th came and went, and now I stand here with my M.S.W. It was raining here the day of my graduation. Somewhat fitting for the day, not sure why.. The two hour ceremony was help at Arco Arena, where the NBA team the Sacramento Kings play. Since it was at a huge sports arena, each person that went up to get their diploma was projected onto "Jumbo-Tron" tv. Not the most relaxing thought.. lol. Luckily I sat by a fun classmate during the ceremony, so that helped pass the time.

The ceremony ended the whole jam packed arena converged into one large slowly moving mass. It took me 40 minutes just to find my family after it all. I took pictures, and will post a few once I get new batteries for my camera

Sunday was spent rocking out with a good friend from work and yesterday was spent being a bum. I got up, took a shower, put on cozy clothes, went to the store to get snacks, rented a video game and lounged all day. It was nice! Still trying to get my brain to understand that I'm done with school. (for now at least)

Thank you all for all the very kind and supportive posts throughout the weeks. The end of my school year kind of snuck up on me and I had to "drop off" for a bit to make sure everything got done. You guys stayed awesome and encouraging through it and it is much appreciated. Hopefully within the next few days I can make it around to all your pages and catch up! I feel like I've missed so much!

Almost there...!

2008-05-20T07:59:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. My deepest apologies for dropping off the face of the earth the last few weeks. The end of school has got me running ragged! Literally. Last week I had something due, I got home and saw a page of it sitting on my desk. Luckily I only live 10 minutes away from the collage so I peeled out, got there, sprinted across campus in flip flops just in time to catch my professor as she was leaving for the day. Thank god she accepted it!

I have 10 more pages to write by Thursday. Totally doable, and then I'll be done! Well..kind of. I told my field supervisor that I would stay at my internship until the end of their school year, which is June 27th. I didn't want to leave my clients with 5 weeks of school left.

On a unrelated note, I'm starting something new in my own counseling. Its called EMDR. I'm sure many of you have heard about it. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. I could write a book on it with as much as I've read on it, but I'll spare you, and if you're interested in reading up on it heres a good site : http://tmt.sagepub.com/cgi/content/short/9/1/4

Its said to be be effective for those who have anxiety, depression, ptsd, phobias, eating disorders as well as many other daily issues people face. I start that tomorrow, so Im really interested to see what it can do for me around my issues of anxiety, depression, and my own issues of PTSD. I really think that it is important for me to give myself as many positive opportunities around my own issues that require ongoing healing before I start my professional career. That is why I've decided to take a small break this summer, stay with capitol autism, get myself rested and as repaired as possible before I enter into "Professional Social Work"

Ok, on that note I must go. I've got a 9:15 appointment and still have wet hair! I hope to make it to everyones blog soon! I miss my reads!

Just sayin Hi!

2008-05-01T13:35:00.000-07:00

Man...life is nuts right now.. School is about to break me. 2 more weeks! It feels like a million tons on my shoulders. I'm also having to start the termination process with my internship clients. Thats proving to be more difficult and emotional than I was anticipating. Its so easy to grow attached to these kids! I'm staying at my internship until the end of June, since its a year round school. I promised my supervisor that I wouldn't drop them once I graduated. Many of them I've had since last september, so...we've got some history, and I've watched many of them start to strive and develop in so many positive ways. I'm going to miss hearing "Miss Jenn, Miss Jenn!" and seeing a kid run at me with a positive progress check from a teacher, or with a silly joke to tell me. I'll even miss all the snotty/teary hugs I get when they're having a bad day or being picked on. Its gonna be tough for all of us. But hopefully I made a small difference for each one of them.

I'm not feeling very supported by those in my life as of late. Crys has been awesome. She's really stepped up and started working on herself and communication. She's even been ballsy enough to go for some counseling for herself to not only get some objective support for herself but to also try and get some skills to better help and support me in the things that I'm dealing with in my own counseling. So she is my one rock. But I can't help but feel dropped by many in my life. I understand that my schooling doesn't allow for me to socialize as much as others would like, so that has taken a toll on friendships, and others have simply stopped putting effort into communicating with me even thought I try to keep a open line with them, and I'm not down for one sided friendships so.. I've lost a few.

But looking on the bright side, I have joined a soccer team. Most of them are in their mid to later 30's and I'm finding that their maturity is something I really appreciate. They know how to balance work, family, and friends. Whereas many in my life can only do one thing at a time. So I'm starting to develop some new relationships there. And man..those ladies know how to rock! We went out last Sunday after our game and they damn near drank me under the table! lol I loved it. And no drama. They're just out to have fun, get away for a bit, and socialize. So thats a bright spot in my life.

On a final note, I will soon be officially in my late 20's as of Sunday. I've always said that my birthday was the warm up to Cinco De Mayo. ;-) Crys and I are gonna go out on Saturday and then sunday I'm going to play in the last soccer game of the season then go rock with my team. (though we really don't need an excuse.)
I can definitely say that with each year that passes I get a little wiser. I've had a lot of personal growth within the last 2 years. Its hard to see when its happening, but looking back, I've made some strides. Many of them due to the support of all of you that visit my blog and donate your wise and supportive words and stories.

So anyways, I just wanted to drop an update to let you all know that I'm still around, just buried with school and work until May 24th. Hope all of you that are graduating with me are doing well with the stress! I know there's a few of us getting ready to take the plunge.

I'll try to make my rounds to check in on your pages soon! Until them my thought are with you!

So much!!!

2008-04-21T11:08:00.000-07:00

It feels like everything is in abundance right now!! So much school work to do, so much to do with both my internship clients and my clients with autism, so much to keep up with in my personal life. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm graduating in 3 weeks.
I'm applying for jobs outside of my job with children on the spectrum. I'm finding this to be very hard. I love my job with Capitol Autism, but...the pay is about 4 dollars an hour lower than the level of job I can get once I graduate and with funding being cut there are not many jobs in this area that I'm interested in that work with both social work issues and spectrum issues. So that is definitely something that is weighing heavily on my mind.
I am also finding myself very scared of the fact that I'm not going to be in school next year. I have been in school for the last 23 years of my life. No breaks... I liken the feeling to be much like what a inmate must feel after serving 20 years in prison. Not at all ready for the outside world, and dependent on the routine set before me. I've also always had the push of my peers to better myself or "keep up"
and it scares me to think that I wont have that incentive after this, or that I will have to be adult enough to develop new incentives for myself! lol

Have any of you ever been in this situation? And if so, how did you handle it? I could use some advice! ;-)

This weekend...

2008-04-14T08:07:00.000-07:00

This weekend was pretty decent. It started off with me having a really great workout on Friday morning. (my internship has been off track so I have had fridays off ;-) ) It was the first time since the accident that I've really gotten a good workout. So that felt really nice.

Then Crys and I drove to the Fairfieldish area to meet a longtime friend of hers that was coming into town for the night. We had indian food and wine. Whats better than that!?!? Saturday I worked with one of my clients that has Autism. But I always..well99% of the time LOVE to go see him. He's my little buddy and even though he's got the "normal" behaviors of a child with autism (tantrum's, noncompliance, stemming) the norm basically....I still love to see him. I get a lot from him, and he gets a lot from me...its a great working relationship. ;-) Plus his family is very awesome to work with.

Saturday afternoon gave way to a beautiful spring day. Once I got off from my clients, I got home and jumped on my bike. It was 75 and sunny. It would have been a waste of a beautiful day to have just stayed inside. So I busted my ass and rode my bike all over the American River bike trail. And let me tell ya, there are some pretty challenging hills on that thing!

Saturday gave way to Sunday where I woke up and drove to my soccer game. I play on a "weekend worrier" team of women. We don't practice together, we don't really even warm up before the game, we just get there and play. LOL it is a pretty fun group of women. I ran my ass off that game since we didn't have enough players to have substitutes. But a little...or a lot of running never hurt anyone eh? ;-)

I still had energy when I got home so I decided to embark on a journey. THis is something I've done once before. I have a coffee table that my grandma gave me from the house she lived in when I was growing up. She gave me this table some 8 years or so ago. I've always kept it outside as a patio table to set plants on. A few years ago I decided to strip the original color on it and repaint it. It turned out to be a very therapeutic thing for me to do. It gave me something to focus on, something to be creative with, and gave me a pallet to express on.

The last time I did that was a year after Crys moved in with me. That was about....5 years ago. The paint is now chipping, and the colors are fading. So yesterday I decided that it was time to repaint again. I dragged a tarp out and stripped the color off of the top. Sanded it down the best I could and today...and for as long as it takes me to finish, I will be slowly be redoing the table. The design seems to be a reflection of what is going on in my life at the time. I'll have to look back and see if I posted any pictures of the old design I painted on it.....

It will be interesting to see what makes its way on it this time..

This is what the top looks like after being stripped. Which took 3 hours 5 beers (LOL) and a lot of muscle, chemicals, and sand paper! The legs still need to be done. They are still the color of the last time it was painted...but one step at a time I guess...After 5 beers and 3 hours in the hot sun, I wasn't about to touch the legs. lol

So...thats what I'm up to now...I've realized through some counseling and the help of my new med kicking in that I really get a lot from being outside. For so long I've stopped myself from enjoying being outside either due to fear, anxiety, depression, detractions from life...whatever the reason...I was denying myself something that I really used to enjoy as a youth. So...I'm trying to tap back into that and I think this coffee table will really help. (plus the coffee table has deeper meanings, that I'm sure I will share at a later time)

So, here it is now, and I'll show you another when I finish!
Hope this finds you all having peaceful days!

Yep, its Friday...

2008-04-04T12:10:00.000-07:00

I am so glad that my Saturday client's mom canceled for this weekend. I could really use a "care free" night. Emotionally things have been rough for the last 2 weeks and being "present" while having these emotional waves has proven to be tiring. With the help of my awesome counselor, I've realized that I have a tendency of "checking out" when I feel emotional or consuming myself with other things so that I don't have to fully feel or acknowledge what I'm feeling at the moment.
It took me years to develop such conditioning! How dare she suggest change! LOL so just kidding.. :-) I realize change must happen, because my way has proven time and time again to not work. So the other option is to change. Its defiantly hard, but so is failing doing things "my way."

So tonight, Crys and I are going to go find a restaurant with a patio down town by the river, have some drinks and just.....breathe...

Hope you all have a weekend full of peace and happiness.

This song is dedicated to my last 2 weeks....or months for that matter!

Green slime monster

2008-03-31T09:21:00.001-07:00

It has been a week now since I've gotten back home from my Easter visit down at my parents and I am still feeling extremely depleted. I can't even process where this feeling is coming from. It just feels like its oozing from over part of me, as if it was a green slime coming out of my pours. There are moments of relief, or... forgetfulness, but then the wave hits again and the ooze starts flowing. Its almost comparable to the feeling one gets after someone in their life has passed away. That feeling of heavy hurt and unrelenting sadness that just covers you like a blanket, then, it will subside for a brief moment and then hits me again like a breeze of hot air.
I'm doing everything within my "trick bag" to keep it at bay while trying to process it. I'm making myself leave the house, I'm now able to start working out lightly since the accident, so I've tried starting that back up, I'm even posting on here. I am however not talking to people in my immediate life. I'm masking, and tasking. Interesting to observe...just goes to show that I'm hiding more than I realize...

Having a hard time posting

2008-03-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

I'm sure as you all have noticed, I haven't been posting much lately. Yes life has been happening, school is keeping me busy, and stuff like that, but thats not why I haven't posted. I've tried several times to sit and type but I'm being extremely critical of myself lately and normally stop mid post and close the window. I'm not exactly sure why I'm not allowing myself to post, but...I'm not. So..guess thats something I need to take a look at.

I am however still checking up on all your blogs. Except for the few that have gone private and I'm not sure how to get to you anymore, but please know that you're in my thoughts!

I would like to talk a little bit about my easter. It has taken me a few days, and a counseling session to get to the point of being able to talk about it. For those of you that read my last post, you may recall that I mentioned that I wasn't anxious about going down to visit my family this time. Boy, how dumb was that!!! Totally let my guard down and got "sucker punched" when I got there.

The "mood" was set the first 10 minutes I got there. As I was putting my bags in my old room I hear my mom yelling at my dad in the kitchen "I wish you would just buy me the fuck out so I can be done with all this!" "You're such a fucking idiot!" I guess this all stemmed from him not getting bread at the store...
The next 36 hours were pretty much full of her yelling and cussing at one thing or another. So I tried to stay busy, and landscaped my grandma's yard across the field from my parents house. After spending 8 hours straight working on mowing, weeding, and planting I went back home to eat and sit down. It was at this point my mom directed her anger at me and approached me with "well I hope you're happy, you've basically piss potted around and wrecked any chance of us spending time together." I was lucky enough to be saved at that exact moment by my grandma coming over and thanking me for the work I had done, which I could tell made my mom even more angry..but she wasn't about to show that in front of my grandma. Luck kept my way the whole night because my grandma stayed at the house until about 9 at which time my mom has to put herself into a pill induced state. Apparently this is now a daily ritual for her. So I escaped her anger for Saturday night. Both Friday night and Saturday night I spent about a hour and a half each night letting my dad debrief and unload all of his frustration and depression over the situation. This was not a bad thing for me. I'm grateful that my dad (a farmer, and if any of you know about farm men you know they don't talk emotional talk or vent in such a intimate way) was trusting enough and able to use me as an outlet. At the same time it was hard to see that he has been taken down to this level, and even harder to see him so empty.
As I have hundreds of times in the past, I asked him to leave her. He explained to me all the reasons he can't at this time, and many of them are valid, but still hard to hear.

Easter morning started off fine. My dad gave me my easter basket. LOL yes at my age I still get one. Hee hee... I had my coffee and started getting ready to go over to my dads parents house. It was at this point my mom decided to approach me and ask "Why do you resent me so much?" I have to say, even though I expect that kind of stuff from her, it still shocked me, since it was coming from out of nowhere. (but thats a pattern that abusers usually have) I tried my hardest to address her in a non confrontational manner. I responded with "mom do you thing 45 minutes before we're supposed to be somewhere is a good time to start such a potentially dangerous conversation? Of course she saw nothing wrong with how she approached me or how she worded her question. She just responded " I'm just trying to talk to you"

Long story short, I told her many things, such as, I'm now learning with time and education that I've always had a anxiety problem and I attribute it to the tense environment of the house I grew up in, that she feels entitled to information that she does not work to obtain or that she can be trusted with, that it hurts me horribly to see how unhappy she is and how that effects others around her, and how I'd just really like to see her get help so that she can have the skills to live with us instead of just surviving. At which point she said "spare me from your hippy social work counseling bullshit. This is how God made me and if you don't like it thats too bad.." Very hard to hear after it took all the strength in my body to stay calm, caring and present with her during our "conversation". Even more, it was tremendously hard to hear her say that after I honestly told her how much I wanted to see her happy and smiling... (brings tears to my eyes just typing....)

This was all cut short due to having to go to our function...probably her plan. People who need control and power like to make sure that things can't be resolved or completely processed. So I spent the next 4 hours sucking it up and masking. As soon as we got back I started loading my car. I couldn't get out of there fast enough, yet it was so hard to leave because I knew I'd be leaving my dad behind, and that was very hard for me.... As I left he walked outside with me, I got in my car, trying not to cry, knowing that she was going to dig into him when he walked back in because of what her and I had talked about that morning. I told him I was sorry, and the tears started flowing. He never knows what to do when I cry, so he just handed me a 100 dollar bill and said, get a new outfit, your clothes are hanging off your ass these days. I got out of my car and hugged him. Told him I loved him, and that if he could try to defend me when mom starts attacking me in my absence. He had to walk away because I think he was starting to cry, so I just honked my horn at him and backed out of the driveway.

I cried all the way from their house to Modesto..about an hour. It felt so wrong to leave, but I had to. Mainly because my life is up here and I couldn't stay another day because of work, but also because it felt SOOOOO unhealthy to be there. And obviously its still all very tender because for the last 3 paragraphs I've been crying.

So this is what I've been struggling with this week. The urge is to delete this and just keep it to myself...but its all part of me and my life experience, so I'm putting it out there.

Here's hoping that my next post will be a lighter one!

Ahhhh a new day

2008-03-19T09:36:00.000-07:00

Two of the kids I work with at my counseling internship made me this while I was out from the accident. It was on my office door just waiting for me when I got back. It was a huge eye opener and an added catalyst for my "life change". Especially since I know what those two live with on a day to day basis, yet they cared enough to miss 3 recesses.... YES THREE! and we all know how important those are to the little ones, to make me this. It was just very cute...

I slept so well last night. I'm sure you all know how that can change your outlook on life. I'm my crusade to feel the way I know I can (healthy) and live the way I want to (healthy and happy) I've finally dropped my ego and went to the Dr to address my sleeplessness. I've gone before but never stuck to it. So now I'M STICKIN TO IT! I'm tired of playing pingpong with myself. And what counselor doesn't need their own counselor check up every now and then? So..through my ever growing network of L.C.S.W. and M.F.T. friends here in Sac I have found a wonderful match for me. I've met with her once already and can totally tell that she's my type of counselor.

I didn't realize it but I was really ego trippin for a while. I didn't want to believe that me, someone going into the Health and Human Services, specifically in the area of mental health social work, had things I couldn't process through myself. Very silly of me to think that.... So my motto as of late is, "why put off till later when you can start fixing today" We all need a little guidance and an objective view in my opinion.

I have a few issues I'd like to clear up within myself. Mostly family related. I few abuse issues that could use a touch up, and a smig of self-esteem work and I think I'll feel like a new person.

There have been SO many things going on in my life that have required me to take second looks at things, and then again third and fourth looks. Challenges from friends, school, love, life..... through that I've realized that life is rarely how it seems in the moment. Its all clay, and can be molded. Maybe not as fast as I'd like, but, with strong hands, and determination, and a little support....or maybe a lot of support, ha ha, I feel like I can get to that place in my life where I look back and go "Whoa, what I hell of a journey, but I made it, and wouldn't take it back".

As of lately I have had this nagging thought that pops up. "Hey, you only live once, do what you can while you can" I think my professions (counseling and working with kids on the spectrum) has shown me that living life fear based or with a blind eye to myself or others is not how I want to be remembered. So...the best way to stop that from happening is to start making changes. Easy enough to say I know. We are creatures of habit. But something has changed in me. Maybe its maturity, maybe its observing the world and realizing that I can control life (for the most part) it does not have to control me. And yes, things may not go my way, or acknowledging certain things may be uncomfortable for a period of time, but its not permanent, and I can also chose how or to what extent I let things affect me. I guess thats what you call "breaking out of the victim role"

So thats where I'm at guys. Crys and I are doing well with establishing new norms and goals in our relationship, I've maintained my weight since the accident, even though I haven't been able to start working out again. And for the first time, just because I am proud of myself, I'm going to state my weight. lol (also a therapeutic thing for me) At new years I weighed 148 now, as of march 18 I weigh 132 and have lost a total of 8 inches. :-) I'm happy with that. And it feels great to say it. And its not about the number, its about the process that got me there. The self motivation, the effort, the productive use of my time to work out and prepare good food for myself. I think that is what feels the best. Because finally I see that I'm taking care of myself. Not just saying I am, but really doing it and seeing the results from my self care physically, mentally, and emotionally. I don't need to lose anymore weight, but I am going to continue this lifestyle and the self care and hopefully I can see new branches stem out from it all.

Hope you all have a great Easter. I'll be down at my parents. Normally that is an anxiety provoking thing, but...I'm just going to take it for what it is, go with the flow, and realize that "its all clay" and I can make it into what I want.....

For those of you driving a distance this weekend, be safe, for those of you staying home, be cozy, and for all of you, you're in my heart and prayers.

2008-03-08T08:08:00.001-08:00

Ok Then...

2008-02-26T09:15:00.001-08:00

(felt this picture was appropriate for how I feel this morning) A new start...A clean day to work with, and a beautiful vision in my mind...

Wow, the last week, well...actually the last month has been a DOOZY! My issues with Crys, my clients sticky fingers, friends, family....CRAZINESS!!! Yet somehow I'm still standing. Even when I thought for sure I was going to fall over and take my last breath....I kept on going.
For some reason, sometimes it takes a rough patch, or a "breakdown" or in my case break up, to make one understand just how strong they really are. Sadly many go through their entire lives too scared to even see. I just can't be that person... And I learned that through this all. I always thought that I knew that I stood for, what my limit for shit taking was, and the standards I hold myself to as a person. I was totally wrong...or..maybe maturity has changed it all, Im not sure, but it has all changed. I stand for so much more now. Not just "good enough". My limit for "shit taking" has definitely changed. I don't want to take it anymore...it STINKS!!!! lol Of course in life we all have to take our daily dose of "shit" but...thats all I'm gonna be takin these days, A DOSE, not a shovel full! And the standards I hold myself to...Well, its not just what will pass. This includes how I am as a student, how I am as a individual, as a friend, and as a partner.
I realized that the other day that "whoa...I'm not a teen or a "young lady anymore, I'm actually a....woman." Funny how shocking that was for me to realize. And as a "woman" I want other women around me to walk with. Not young ladies, or girls. I need women. Women with a purpose, plan, and energy to GIT ER DONE!

I really am tired of messin around. Ever get to that point in your life? Where you just want everyone to be "on board" with your plan. Well my plan is this ladies. I'm going to finish school, I'm going to get my body healthy, make a daily effort to keep my mind happy, and take time out of each day to nourish my soul. That can all mean different things to us all, I'm aware of that. Especially with as busy as each of our lives are. But I still think its doable. So....Who's on board? lol Anyone? I've noticed as of late that it is very difficult for individuals to make themselves a priority in their lives. Especially myself. And we wonder why we walk around feeling so down and neglected all the time. We are neglecting ourselves!!

So, just as a quick update on Crys and I. Its been a really tough last few weeks. Through much talking, appropriate and useful confrontation from both sides, and a few letters to fill in any missed cracks of information have gotten us into a good position to patch things up. It all came down to neither one of us making ourselves a priority and feeling unappreciated or supported. She fed me a bit of humble pie and I did the same for her. Which left us both ready to start collecting the bricks in the aftermath.

So thats me as of the past week. I really want to thank you all for being so supportive. Especially for those of you that have been visiting my blog since it started, or before I even moved to Sac. You certain few have been with me since Crys and I got together really...and feel that you might understand the hurt involved in it all. So thank you for stickin with me! It is VERY much APPRECIATED. And for those of you that are newer friends of mine, I hope to have you around for years to come as well :-)

Man....

2008-02-18T08:13:00.000-08:00

So, all I can say is that the last week has been one of the hardest on records for many reasons. Above all is the Crys thing. Its very strange. We haven't really about whats happened. Neither of us can move out due to the lease, so it has created a very tense situation in which someone is always trying to not be home.

It seems almost impossible to do the reading and writing for my thesis along with other class work to keep up with, and maintaining a job and a successful internship.

Friday was also a really tough day. It started off with me getting to my elementary school and noticing a note in my in box. It was from one of my clients case workers. Long story short, her mom deiced to to on a week long drug binge and was refusing to pick her up from a relatives. She hasn't been attending school on a regular basis for the past 2 months so she was dis enrolled from the school with no warning or "termination" session. This little girl has had SO much happened in her life and is always getting let down in one way or another. It appeared that I was the only outlet she had for the craziness that was going on in her life, and now that has been immediately removed. It took me 2 months to get this student to the point of opening up, talking about her "stuff" and finding options for her. And she was successfully using her options last time we met and excited to even know that she had options! So finding out that my interaction with her has been completely terminated has been very hard. Since she is no longer in my school district my only option is to give my phone number to her case worker and hope that she relays it to her. She is 8 so...even if she does, not sure she'll use it.

Later that day I was with a client. She asked for a tissue. I was out so poked out of my office for maybe 20 seconds to grab another box. Didn't even think about my back pack being alone in there with her. I mean...I'm "Miss Jenn" why would these kids take something from me?? Especially when I work so hard for them. Watch their sports games during my lunch break. Hug them when they're crying, Talk with them about their problems, help them with their homework! Well, my day was over. I was changing from my professional clothes to my gym clothes. It was 4pm so the kids had been out for about 2 hours. Then I realized it. My ipod and my Bose earphones were not in my bag. I knew I had seen them in my bag earlier in the day. So I searched everywhere thinking I took it out looking for something. I went to my car and tore it apart. It was gone. a 170 dollar ipod and a $110 pair of earphones had been lifted from my backpack. This little girl has a record of sticky fingers. In fact that was one of our goals that we had decided to work on. I don't want to believe she did it but I don't know what else to think. I called my supervisor and told her as soon as I was sure it wasn't in my posession. She's going to call her in on Tuesday right before school starts and grill her. Even threaten the cops,(though nothing can be done through the cops really) The thing that hurts the worse is that I've put so much time, effort, and emotion into this little girl. Gone home thinking about her and her situations and this is what happens. I really don't want to get hardened and not trust. Thats not how I want to operate. But obviously something needs to happen. I'm a poor college student. The ipod, the earphones and the leather case it was all in where gifts. All things given to me because I can not afford that kind of stuff on my own at the moment. And with my new gym fixation, the ipod was my saving grace. I was miserable trying to work out yesterday with the noise of the gym in the back ground.

So friday night was a doozy for me. I was baked. Angry. And completely frustrated with life.. I kinda just shut down for the evening.

Saturday came and I woke up feeling worse than when I fell asleep except I didn't want to be alone. Crys left pretty early to go on a hike with friends. My Saturday client with my autistic company canceled so that left me alone feeling like shit. Totally unlike me I started looking at the contacts in my phone. I didn't want to be alone that badly. Even though I had told myself that I would no longer subject myself to the fakeness of old "friends" I didn't want to be alone. So I started making calls. No answers, no call backs, no car to get there, no sitter, no money, no time. I heard it all. And I'm sure most were very valid reasons for not being able to get together, but it sent me into a self pitying mess. SO much anger and frustration arose. I really needed someone! All the times I've gone to friends house's and held them while they were crying. All the times I've picked drunk friends up, or listened to drama stories. All the time I've spend looking up resources for friends in need and I did it because I wanted to and cared for those people.I just had a very hard time believing that not one person could see just how badly I needed a few minutes from them. I really rarely ask for help, so when I do, its very hard. And even harder for me to believe that the intense need was not noticed or acknowledged. I just know it hurt very badly to feel so raw in that moment and to not have support or comfort during this time felt excruciating.

I've worked my body out until it hurts. So today i'm taking the day off from the gym. Its going to be tough though. My body has really started to like the physical release of being at the gym. Its been a great outlet for me lately. But I also must be able to keep up with "non spectrum" children at my internship and spectrum kids at work, No time for a debilitated body! So today I'm just going to sit with it all, try and process out some of my emotions, not give so much energy to specific ones, and just try and have a day one moment at a time. I just have one 4 hour client shift today and he's always excited to see me. So hopefully that will help.

Fake it till you make it right?

Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and for visiting my little blog area. It means a lot during times like this.

Update for friends

2008-02-12T09:42:00.000-08:00

Its been a while since I've posted. Times have been hard, I'm not gonna lie. I'm a great masker, but...don't really feel like it right now, so, i'm not going to. I really just wanted to let those of you wondering where I am, know whats up.

As some of you that read my blog know, Crys and I have had some challenging times for the past year. Well...it all came tumbling down a few days ago. I realized in a moment of complete emptiness that I have lost track of who I am. I've morphed to promote peace and along the way lost who Jenn is. Who and what I stand for is all a blur to me know because I've been trying so hard to keep homeostasis in my relationship.

I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and had to ask myself what I had become. I have been going to the gym 6 days a week, 2 hours a day for the last 3 weeks just to try and get my body to the point of where i'm "touchable." I've lost 10 pounds, 4 inches, and it still wasn't good enough. I've made daily commitments to keep things in the house clean, dinner made on the days I get home in time, laundry done for the both of us, leaving "appreciation notes" around the house, saving money for dates.....I just really don't know what else I can do. It was during this realization that I realized that I had lost myself and that Crys at some point decided that the Jenn she met 6 years ago is no longer good enough.

I can't hold up the world, and thats what it has been feeling like, no matter how many pep talks I give myself. I've always been told that healthy love shouldn't hurt. Well, I've been hurting for way too long. I lived 17 years of my life in a very hurtful and damaging environment, and I will not willingly do that again, and I told her this.

We really haven't seen each other for the last few days. Neither one of us has the financial stability to move out, nor do we have close enough friends here in sac yet to crash at their houses. So we're living in a very odd situation.

I don't know what's going to happen and honestly I'm scared, for so many reasons. How do I successfully maintain everything that I've got going on while this is happening at home? Work, school, mental health. How do I keep that all up in the air with little strength of my own and even less immediate support in my life?

So...thats the update. My apologies for just disappearing and not making it to your pages. Please know that my blogger pals are always in my positive thoughts and prayers.

Walking alone

2008-02-01T14:48:00.000-08:00

Dramatic sounding title I know...But its a very valid description of how I'm feeling these days. In all reality I know that I'm not, but..the feeling still remains. In the last few months I've done quite a bit of.."cleaning." Meaning I've taken a look at the motives and intentions of those in my life and did a reorganizing of said people. This pretty much left me with 3 friends, my brother, and my blog as far as people I feel generally healthy to keep in my life. I honestly hate to say this, but I don't even know where I stand with Crys anymore. I never thought I'd ever say this, but I'm really starting to question what we have..The past year has been tough for us. I've noticed that I'm feeling more frequently put down by her and judging myself harshly based on her opinions. We've talked and talked, and I've wrote her letters explaining how some of the things she does affects me. Things get better for a bit and then I end up about a month or two later feeling the same way.She has a hard time understanding that her way isn't the only effective and efficient way of doing things. Doesn't matter what it is. How I work out, how I clean, how I make the bed, how many calories I'm eating, how my clothes match, what vocabulary I choose to use.. I mean the list is endless. I feel criticized ALL THE TIME in all areas of my life. Maybe its just where I'm at in life. New in a career, finishing my education, and in my later 20's, maybe that just equals feeling picked on.. or maybe I'm a wimp..?

I really probably could go on a bitching spree right now, but I'm not. It really wont help. I just know I'm tired, frustrated , and in the need of something. I don't know what that something is, but i need it.

Scattered Heart

2008-01-24T10:23:00.000-08:00

The last week or so has been a challenging one for me. A few people in my life are really struggling for various reasons, and there's really nothing I can do to help them other than offer my time, and love, which never really feels like enough to me. I feel like there's always more I could be doing. I guess thats my own issue to work on..

To answer my sweet friend Tera's question about my "life makeover" and how its going; well...lol its goin. I've joined a all womens soccer league. Age range 25-40. Our first game is on Sunday. Should be fun. I haven't played competitively in 10 years! I've been eating better than I have in YEARS, and trying to do yoga 2-3 times a week. To be honest with you, lol its kind of hard taking care of yourself when you're not used to. I can totally take care of others, but when it comes to me, I just don't want to put the energy in..so, its definitely taken a mindful effort on my part to continue. I've also had a few things pop up recently that have effected the way I deal with my emotions surrounding my assault. So, I've decided to also go back to counseling for a "tune up". A few sessions to help me sort and process. I figure it couldn't hurt.

I start class again this up coming Tuesday. another semester of 7:30-11:45 classes! Not looking forward to getting up that early again, but, when you have to work and go to school, you've got to sacrifice, and...cozy is what I have to sacrifice.

Crys and I are still in a "funk" but that seems to have been put on the back burner for some reason.I'm really craving affection these days, just don't have the energy to ask for it, or get into why I want it, if asked. Guess I'm playing the lazy brat card with it. I just get tired of having to be the one to initiate discussion, affection or change. It can be draining.

Ok...lol so thats whats new with me. Not a whole hell of a lot. Sounds a lot like bitching to me, but hey. The good news is is that I'm eating better, getting more exercise, finding ways to meet people (soccer)and will be starting school soon to keep my mind occupied. And as always, I love my job and internship. They are the two things in my life that consistently nurture my soul. Ohh and one more good note. I have been potty training one of my clients with autism for the past 2 months. He is 4 and my goal was to have him potty trained by may. Well...lol the little bugger caught on, he's about 80% potty trained after 2 months. Only occasional accidents or "assplosions" (as I like to call them, lol) So, that makes me feel good that I've helped out that family with a HUGE task. I've also got h im eating apple sauce, bread, and wheatthins. For those of you that have children with autism, or know about the food sensitivities surrounding this population, you know that those kinds of foods can be a BITCH to get your kid to eat. So, it brings me a little joy to know that he now will consistently eat about 15 different foods now.

So thats it for me. Hope this post finds you all having a peaceful day. As for me, I think I'm gonna go take a nice hot bath before heading out into the rain to meet with a client. Happy Thursday!