Sunday, June 16, 2013

A little time to write

Hey All,
    Hope this finds you all enjoying the beginning of your summer.  I found a little time on my hands, so I thought I would drop a note here on blogger.  Things are going really well overall.  My job is awesome.  It requires a lot of mental stamina.. which I've had to work on, as well as patience and empathy.  With all things in life... I'm a work in progress.
    I found out about a month and a half ago that I have a tumor growing on my left ovary.  I've had cysts on it before but this is different apparently..  So, the 28th of June I will be having laproscopic surgery to have it removed and checked out.
   Things with Christen and I are good.  I struggle with feeling like enough for her, but again... work in progress.

Today happens to be Fathers Day.  Hope you all were with those you love.  Happy fathers day for those that are daddys out there.

Hope you are all well!

Monday, May 13, 2013

Checkin in

Hey all hope this finds you doing well. It has been quite some time since I have had the ability to post. Life has been changing so much around me. I finally got my stomach issues resolved. But my back is still hurting. Due to my back  hurting I decided I would no longer be able to work with my autistic population so I found a different job in a different area of work. I am now supervising coordinator and an eating Recovery facility. It is a  partial hospitalization program that is 12 hours a day 7 days a week. the work is super challenging but it is such a cool job. I work with very is mental health disorders along with the co occurring eating disorder so needless to say leave job is mentally stimulating. there are several awesome benefits to this job. One benefit is that I get three  meals a day they cooked by a registered dietitian. I also get free coffee all day long. And my job facility is right next to a river so I'm at a beautiful environment. I am also receiving it free supervision to wards my LCSW.
things at home are great. I just received a very beautiful engagement ring. I will try to get a picture posted soon. Are puppy is growing up so fast. I came home from work today and found that her and her sister had hunted a squirrel and they were very proud of themselves. I on the other hand was quite gross out.
I hope to be able to make it around everybody's pages soon. It just seems like my days go by so quickly.
Until next time!

Monday, December 31, 2012


Just wanted to wish you all a very wonderful start to 2013. I've known many of you for close to 10 years now and hope to continue our sharing and support for years to come.

Happy new years everyone!!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Just sharing some smiles from my past year

I just thought I would post a fe pictures of my past year to share with you guys

                      Our deaf puppy Geogia

                                                               Christen and  Georgia dressed up for Halloween 

just us hanging out

Georgia passed out

this year's Christmas tree in our new home

this year's pumpkins

our other dog pickle in her rain jacket

Christen at the jellyfish exhibit at Monterey Bay Aquarium

the engagement ring I bought Christen for her 30th birthday. She said yes :-)
the lights on outside of our house for the first Christmas here

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Creeping Memories and Dreams

I have to say first off, this could be triggering to some so please proceed with caution. i will try to watch how i state things.                                                                                                                           I have been doing really well with dealing with assault flashes/memories for the past few years. I found a great counselor who helped to balance me out.  I met some great friends in my MSW program who are very supportive and understanding and I'm with a wonderful person who respects me and my body. But for the past month I have been having HORRIBLE dreams. The type where you wake up from it.  Walk around, go back to sleep and go right back into the dream. 
    It is so hard to feel balanced after nights like that.  It started just after having my gallbladder removed.  Could be that I have a lot of abdominal discomfort still from it and it leads to dreams like that... I'm not sure.  But I feel like I've gotten past that part of my life to such a large degree that it is so hard for it to creep back in.
   I'm really good at compartmentalizing my own stuff vs others issues, but when I have nights where I dream like this it is hard for me to be grounded enough to truly hear other people. 
   It is however nice to not go into "crisis mode" like I used to.  I become uncomfortable, and a little distant but I dont go into crisis and I can still function.  I guess thats a giant plus in the grand scheme of things.  I'm also becoming much better at talking about whats going on with me and not just going inside myself like I used to.  I guess to break it down, I dont intentionally trigger myself anymore or keep digging in once I'm "down". 
   It is however difficult to wake up and shake it off.  I wont brush that off.  Its hard to not be angry about this event in my life and that it will always be there to some degree.  Scars, memories, dreams, moods, seizures.

  Reading back on this post its kind of nice to see how much I've grown in this area.  I used to post out of crisis.  Now I'm simply posting out of outreach for understanding and expressing my feelings. Whether I get a response on this or not I will get past it.  I didn't always believe that to be true.

Monday, November 26, 2012


Thought i would drop a quick post for those that still check in. I've been dealing with some health issues that have left me warn out and lazy. foor the past 3 months ive had a "mysterous" stomach problem. All tests showed nothing wrong but I was in quitee a bit of pain and lost 30 pounds over a 3 month period. After tons of research I knew it was my gallbladder but the GI i was seeing thought i was crazy. Finally I went over his head and consulted with a surgeon. The next day he took out my gallbladder. I am now two week out from the surgery and feeling much better. Now i just need to get my back injury resolved and I'll be back to good. Dispite the health issues life is good. Love is good. The new house is great and our puppy is keeping  me busy. I hope you all are doing well and will be around to your pages soon.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Still not the best

Not sure why I still come to my blog, but I think I will always keep it.  It seems to be a great way for me to look back and measure... Its for me. I realize that most dont come here anymore but for those who do I thought I'd jot a little down for ya'll as well.  I know I think about you guys often and worry if I haven't seen you post in a while.

Things are still not the best.  The body trimmers have stopped but I am still having some pretty big issues somewhere.  It hasn't been figured out yet which is the hardest part.  I can't really eat anything other than rice, toast, and rice noodle soup.  If I do veer from that it is very painful and I end up vomiting 70% of the time.

For those of you that know me well you know that I like to work out and have muscle.  I have lost so much of my muscle in the past 2 months and have lost almost 30 pounds.  Its a good thing I still had my "grad school" weight to lose or I'd be really off looking. 

I've realized through this process that I dont really have many friends.  It has been a tough realization.  One I kind of knew all alone.  It takes a lot for me to consider someone an actual friend vs an acquaintance. I did however think that if it got bad people would step up.  Well... I was wrong.  No one has stepped up.  No one calls.  No cards.  My brother had a daughter 2 months ago and I can not make the 2 1/2 hour drive down there and he hasn't offered to bring her up to meet me.  None of my family have come to see my new house.  Its been tough.  Every once and a while someone will leave a FB post or something but no actual face to face support from anyone except Christen, and even thats been rocky at times.

I've learned quite a bit about myself the past two months.  I've learned that I can handle getting stuck by needles 8 times in one day. I've learned that being chronically ill challenges every aspect of who you are and who you want to be on a daily basis.  It humbles you... Or me at least. I've learned that I have not appreciated the health that I had before. I've noticed that my patience has grown tremendously. From waiting in traffic to listening to one of Christen's VERY detailed stories that could be summed up in 2 minutes. I've learned that I can take care of a pitbull puppy even when I feel like shit (which is like having a toddler!) And I have learned that I have much more spiritual faith in my soul that I once though.

I've learned so much in the past 2 months.  I just haven't learned whats wrong with my body yet. 2 months ago I hurt my back at work.  A month ago I had ovarian cysts removed and ever since then its just been getting progressively worse. Tomorrow I will spend the day getting myself back and forth to drs apts while trying not to throw up on myself or fall asleep in a parking lot. I have a 3 hr test of some sort tomorrow to check my gallbladder, and another apt for my back.
Last thing I've learned so far... its tough getting places alone when you dont feel well.

Hope you all are having a easier time than I am at the moment.
Be Well