Love and Life

So.. It doesn't look like I have many readers these days... Thats ok though.  Writing is cathartic for me.  The news I have to share this post.... We close on our house next week!!!  YAY!  I think I just might feel a little bit more like an adult now :-)

Other than tons of paperwork and some annoying hurry up and wait the process has been fairly smooth since our offer was accepted.
On the coat tails of that... I am still very much in love.  I feel blessed really. I am with someone that truly loves me for me.  It doesn't matter what I look like, how I smell, or the mistakes I make, I always feel loved.  It has only been a year and a half since we got together, but I definitely know that I am completely in love and feel completely loved back.  Now if I could only love myself as much as I am loved her life would be AMAZING!

On another positive note.. My mom is coming around slightly... She says Christen's name and acknowledges her being!  I know that sounds like nothing, but she has come a long way since I came out.  At first she didn't want me to say "she" or mention Crys (when I was with her)  I'll take any growth I can get from her in this area.

Work... well its exhausting but good.  I have 8 clients with varying degrees of autism ranging from mild to profound.  Honestly... the children are easier to work with than their parents.  As a supervisor I really never thought that I would have to address the kind of staff issues that I have had to deal with since the start of this job.  I am a supervisor to 6 tutors that implement my program suggestions and lessons.  Two of my 6 tutors...who might I add are both over 20 years old AND are female... have had parents complain to me about their body odor.. Other tutors are wearing pants that half of their ass shows when they bend down.. REALLY???? Grown ass women who can't controll their BO or wear a belt?  I really just have to shake my head at some of the stuff sometimes..

Well....thats about all I got.   Hope you all are doing well.  I'll make my way around!




PS...Spike! If you ever open another blog let me know.  You can have 2 readers then ;-)  Hope life is treating you kindly during this busy time for you.

Not sure if anyone reads me anymore but if by chance someone still does.... Im buying a house!!! My offer was accepted on a very cute 3 bedroom 2 bath. Its in a very cute, established part of Sac. 1600 sq ft, move in ready flip.

We went and met with the mortgage broker today and found out that the tentative closing date is May 18th. The anniversary of my assault. I actually love this.  Its almost like the universe is blessing me with something wonderful to stand up against the horrible that date reminds me of.

With luck, escrow will go smoothly and close on time and we will be moved into our home by late May!
I hope this finds anyone who reads this doing well. I hope to get to all your pages soon.

Newest endevor

Just a quick post to fill those of you who still check into this blog. I put an offer i on a very cute move in ready home and it was accepted!!! Now we just pray for a smooth closing. Hope you are all doing well and plan on making my blog rounds soon!

Body Image Issues ***Could possibly be triggering to some***

Man I hate them. Body image issues.. I've always had them. Even as a very young child. These issues go back almost as far as I can remember. I just dont feel comfortable in my skin or body at least 80% of the time. Its rare that I dont have that nagging twinge that draws my attention to my discomfort. I think its a major contributor to my daily anxiety that also dates back to my earliest memories. Hey and another thing that dates back to close to earliest memories is abuse. Now, I have realized for quite some time that my body image issues, anxiety and abuse issues are braided. Therapy has not effected this this area of my life unfortunately and I have yet to figure out how to escape the discomfort of the "braid."
I am so blessed to be with someone who loves the way I look and tries very hard to make me feel comfortable and loved despite my sensitivities and hangups.
This is a very frustrating area of life for me and often trips me up despite my efforts to address it. I crave so badly to be comfortable in my own skin. Many of my friends in their 40s and 50s say that self acceptance starts to happen after one's 30s.
I look forward to the day that I dont feel that twinge. That feeling that has the ability to take me back to many places in my history that I'd rather not visit as often as I tend to. I just need to figure out how to get to that day.

2012 So far

Well.. Its going well so far. My new job has got me busy and a little insecure. My caseload is an hour commute away from me so I have to expect to drive a minimum of 100 miles and 2 hrs a day. Once I get to my kiddos I have to assess them, create goals for them based on their developmental and functioning level (that I get during the assessment) and then teach the tutors that are implementing my client goals how I want lessons ran. After that I have to supervise the tutors, make sure my goals are being met, and that progress data is being taken and taken right. I have to do this for 10 kids, with 6 different tutors and 17 parents. Its a full plate! But man I love being back with these kids. The autistic population is so unique. Each child is different and each encounter is different. I love the clinical aspect of my position, but could do without the supervisor duties. I don't like managing people and definitely don't like to micro manage people. Unfortunately good tutors are hard to come by because the position is tough and it doesn't really pay well, so the turn over rate is high and very few have the skills to be really good, which requires me to step in and teach, train, encourage, model and give "constructive criticism" to make sure the kids progress doesn't get derailed by negligent tutors. Month 1 is almost over, we'll see how I feel about it all in month 2.

Things with Christen and I are going well. I miss her most of the time. I normally work five 10 hour days mon-fri and she works three 12 hr days t,th,sat, so we don't get to see a lot of each other, which has taken some adjustment since before I started this job I saw her much more often. She really is a beautiful person. She challenges me and complements/balances me out and definitely reminds me to be silly every once and a while.

I really don't have time for much any more. I thought I was busy when I was in grad school, but now I'm just consistently busy with no lulls like there was in school. I'm starting to peek at the housing market again. But I'm approaching it much more causally than before, I'm not really in a rush, but want to capitalize on the great prices while they are still around.

Basically just trying to find a routine in "adult life" now. Hope this finds you all doing well. I've tried to stop by each of your blogs this morning and see how you are doing. Ill check in again soon :-)

Christmas

Well I survived it! I had been dreading Christmas for over a month, and finally its over, and actually it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. Though it did feel emotionally heavy the whole time. I spent Thursday-Saturday with my parents down in Fresno. My mom was in a pretty grumpy mood. Instead of saying "Jennifer, I'm sad that you're not going to be here during Christmas and I'm going to miss you" she stayed quiet and passive aggressive. She did however ask a few questions about Christen, which is progress on her part. She really would love christen if she gave her a chance. She's a nurse, just like my mom, she is very polite, she's considerate, she's from the south (like my mom) she's religious, and she loves me, and you can tell that she loves me by the way she treats me.
So... anywho... Things went ok while I was down there besides her being in a grumpy mood. She told people that I was not going to be there for Christmas because I was "serving at a women's shelter for Christmas" vs the truth which is that I wanted to have my first adult Christmas and be with the person I want to be with and since she's not allowed at my parents house, I had to choose and stay up here with her.

The new year is also bringing a career change for me. I am going to go back to work full time with Capitol Autism Services as a Behavioral Consultant. Which basically means that I will be creating individualized behavior intervention plans for each client and then supervising teams of lead tutors and regular tutors while also training the parents of the clients. Many of you may remember when I worked for them before. I was a basic tutor then and I was the one implementing the behavior plan, this time I will be creating it and teaching others how to implement it. Its very exciting for me.

I dont we will do anything for New Years this year. We are saving up for a trip to Maui in the summer! But if any of you go out, please be careful, call cabs if need be, and have fun!

Another year gone by (very long rambling post)

This has been a year for the books! More like the past year and a half really. I moved twice. Finished my MSW program. Ended an 8 year relationship, and started a new one. It all sounds so easy when I type it like that, but man was it depleting....

October 2010 marked the ending of Crystal and I's relationship. It was an easy decision to end it once I was able to look back and see how lost in myself I had become in this relationship. I had become this very passive, unsure of myself, and had lost my passion for many things. I know I've said it before, and I want to say it again. I dont regret my relationship with Crystal at all. In fact I'm pretty sure she saved me from myself at one point. We had many great years together, but with time we just grew into roommates, sleeping in separate rooms, no intimacy of any kind really, and really, it just felt like I was living with a good friend. I wanted so much more than that. I was feeling suppressed, empty, and started getting angry all while trying to balance a full time Masters program and a 30 hr a week internship. It was also at this time that Crystal decided that she wanted to buy a house. I knew I could not enter this with her, which was heartbreaking because for 2 years prior we had been looking for houses together. I just hadn't figured out how unhappy I was in that relationship towards the end. Long story short.. Crystal finally found a house and bought it. I actually ended up living with her for 4 months in her house as a roommate (absolutely no sexual contact, it was OVER) but it was tense, painful, and depressing to be living there. It didn't leave any room for healing and moving on.
It was also during this time that Christen came into my life. Not only did she come into my life, but she literally JUMPED into my life. I met Christen in a very strange way. We met through a mutual friend on FB that I had known for years(Strange story that requires its own blog post). We messaged back and forth for a few months just chatting and talking about everyday things, life... just getting to know each other. I was drawn to her personality right off the bat.. Not to mention that she was easy on the eyes. There was a giant draw back to this new person... She lived in Louisiana... I didn't expect our relationship to go beyond friends, but it just continued to evolve. We would skype while I worked on my Thesis, Case Notes, and other school related things. This was comforting and hard at the same time.. Reason being is that I still lived in Crystals house at this time. It was uncomfortable and deep inside I felt like I was being disrespectful to Crystal since I was in her house (paying her 500 in rent) but still fairly fresh from our break up. I saw her walking around hurting, as was I, but I also had breaks from that hurt when I would Skype with Christen. I would laugh, and talk about silly stuff to cut the edge off of the hard day of being a free mental health intern. She could hear me laughing, talking and at times she could see the light shining under my door from my computer after I had fallen asleep while skyping with Christen. Tension and jealousy came to a head (understandably now that I look back on it) and the time came to where I HAD to move out of her house for my own sanity. This was all happening right in the middle of my last semester of grad school. Right in the middle of the scurry to finish my thesis in time to graduate.. I ended up moving out into an apartment in an area of Sac that I was less than thrilled to live in. I'm still here by the way.. at least until march 2012.
Fast forward.... I lived alone for 6 months. It was one of the hardest transitions I've ever made. I went from living with someone for 8 years to being alone again. It made getting my thesis finished easy, but it was hard in just about every other way. Letting go of 8 years is hard. And I still tear up a little when I think about it. Not because I still have feelings for Crystal but because of everything that came with that 8 years. All of the great, good, bad, and ugly.
Since we talked on a daily basis at this point. Christen and I decided to meet face to face. She jumped on a plane and flew to CA. I had spent months talking and looking at this person over skype. She had seen me cry, study, sleep, and eat via Internet. Now it was going to become "3-D" I still remember the day so clearly. I drove to the Sac airport. I must have gotten there at least an hour early, my nerves were so high. I waited at terminal A, staring at the escalator as people poured down. I spotted her, and stood up. She didn't see me at first, and then we locked eyes. She took off down the escalator and sprinted towards me. All 5 feet 3 inches of her hit me like a linebacker. I gave her a giant huge, and a gentleman behind us said out loud "now thats a hug!" She stayed a week and then had to go back to Louisiana. From that point on she came to CA just about every month until she moved here. In May I graduated and finished a decade long run at higher education. Many of you knew me when I was going through nursing school myself. Then you followed me from Fresno to my move to Sacramento and my ultimate acceptance into the Grad program, and then to the completion of this program.
In Sept 2011 Christen was able to get her Louisiana nursing license switched to a CA nursing license and we started to plan her move. I flew back to Louisiana to meet her family and bring her back to CA with me. Sept 11 2011 at 530 am we left in her Rav 4 attached to a U-haul and and headed west to CA. Now if you've never driven 2000 miles attached to a Uhaul with your significant other, I suggest you try it! If you can survive that you can survive anything! 4 states, several adventures, and 5 days later we pulled into Sacramento.
She has now been here for 3 months and its been so wonderful. Now thats not to say that there hasn't been adjustment pains on both of our parts, but she really is a wonderful person and helps to bring out the best in me. We knew each other last year at this time, but this year is different. We get to spend it together.
Many of you know that I struggle with the holidays. My parents are not supportive of my "same sex relationship" and will not allow me to bring Christen down for the holidays or even to meet her. So this year I stood up to them for the first time. I will not be there for Christmas this year. I will be spending my Christmas with Christen. I have compromised by going down from Thursday-Saturday afternoon and then I will drive back to spend Christmas eve night and Christmas day with Christen. Thats something I was never able to harness the strength to do while with Crystal. Year after year I cowered down and complied to family tradition, dismissing my own needs and wants and leaving Crystal either alone or to go to her family's house alone. Well... I can't do that anymore nor do I want to. I dont want to start this relationship off like that. It was rough and emotional having this talk with my parents. But I did it and feel good about it after the fact.
In between all of this craziness I was also the designated "Birth Coach" for my best friend Adrienne. Her husband was deployed to Afghanistan for 90% of her pregnancy, leaving me as the back up. On Sept 3rd at 5am I get a call "Jenn, its time!" 24 hrs and 0 sleep later Caleb was born. It was such an amazing experience and I was so honored to be able to support Adrienne through that all be part of the event.
Haha, I think I gave myself anxiety writing this all out. It reminded me just how crazy this past year and a half has been. And I really only skimmed the surface. I didn't mention health issues, job issues, or the growing pains that go along with it all.
This feels like a giant ramble, but I've been feeling those "growing pains" lately and needed to just get some of it out. I have a tendency to minimize until things explode. So this is a way to let a little pressure out.
I realize my blog followers have dwindled away, but for those of you that still do read my blog, thank you for your years of support and reading. You all have followed me through some of my most challenging years yet and I appreciate your prayers and support.

I hope that 2012 brings us all the comfort and joy that we wish for. I dont know if I will post again before New Years, so if I dont I wish you all a very happy Holiday and a blessed New Years. <------- Standing in the middle of the Grand Canyon just before a lightening storm. 3rd day of our cross country trip.